The Hinckley Family

Come home please...

2010-07-30T11:17:00.000-07:00

My Little Sister is currently up at a Scout Camp being a Cope Course instructor and has been this entire summer! But the good news is, she will be home in two weeks!! Taylor and I weren't exactly friends when we were little. Colby and I are 15 months apart so always stuck together and teased and tormented her as much as we could. Then Colby left on his mission and I had to be her friend. :) No honestly, we got to be really close and I think even after I got married, we got even closer. I can talk to Taylor about a lot of stuff. She is a great little sister but also one of my Best Friends. Sure she can be a little spacey but the girl has so many other talents! She has a solid testimony, a great sense of humor, she'll listen to me when I need her to, and she is a strong person (inside and out :) ).

Now, those are just a few of her talents. She sings, harmonizes, writes music, reads music and can tell you every note or key you sing in, Amazingly! She draws, colors, paints, doodles better than anyone I have ever met. She takes pictures with her photographer brain and has every aspect of an artist. :)

This is one of her most recent drawings... yes, done in pencil, also yes, done in about a week. She did this of our really good friend Lindsey's kids. One; they are stinkin adorable! but two: this picture is almost identical to the one she copied it from.... and did I mention they are way cute!! I was so impressed with her, every time she does another artwork of some kind I am more impressed with this talent of hers. Maybe I can force her in to doing one for me when she gets home?... Or maybe Colby and I will torment her until she does, I'm sure Colby would be in on it if he got a picture out of it too. :)

4 weeks later...

2010-07-13T11:04:00.000-07:00

Wow, I have really slacking when it comes to keeping up on my blog! That's right, it has been 4 weeks... :( Well let me tell you why.

Shortly after Josh wrecked his mountain bike, Oakland and I got to go to Island Park with my family for a reunion. I will post pictures of that later because Oakland and I had a blast and really enjoyed spending so much time together. The weekend we got home, we moved...in to a HOUSE!!!! Yay! (pictures will come later) I have loved every minute of it but with moving comes packing, heavy lifting, unpacking, putting things away, organizing, etc. As you can imagine Josh is not able to do a lot of that since his accident so I have been trying to take on his duties as well. We also do not currently have internet so when I do have down time, I can't blog. I know lame excuses again! But I had some time today at my Mom's so thought I would just update you on Oakland....

She is getting so big! Her first tooth is coming in, she is SOOO close to crawling but normally ends up in tears of frustration when she can't reach the toy I have put out of reach. Her hair still stands on end and I can't do anything about it. :)

She loves reading and My Grandma gave her the "5 green and speckled frogs" book. It is by far her favorite and she loves to look through the pages.

Like I mentioned- we moved. It was very happy and sad, Oakland absolutely adores my Grandparents so it was really hard moving out of their basement. She got to see them so much and I think the world of them and am amazed at what great grandparents they are to me, but especially how much they love Oakland. I miss them a lot during the day when I'm at home but am glad that I can still visit whenever I want!

Oakland loves our new home (now... she didn't at first and was really scared of being by herself in any room of the house)

Her hair is long enough but not thick enough yet to put in a pony tail (and who needs a pony tail when it already sticks up right?). I found some little clips that seem to work good... but as you can tell from Oaklands face- she's not really a fan.

Oakland is a very good eater but is also very in to feeding herself. :)

Her new favorite thing is Bath- time!

She is now in a forward facing car seat and it is such a LIFE SAVER for a baby that hates car seats. She's a little better now that she can see everything and I can reach her if I need to.

Oakland has a really cute personality lately. I took this picture last night because she was being the biggest ham! She screams all the time- not being upset, she's actually really happy when she does it normally... just likes to hear her own voice I guess?

Now that I'm back in the groove of things, I'll try to post more, but enjoy the pictures for now!

Dear Hospital...

2010-06-12T11:28:00.000-07:00

I really appreciate your hospitality and the caring place you are. We have seen each other a lot lately and after much thought I have decided that it may be best for us to go our separate ways. While you have been there for us in our time of need, I'm thinking we need some time a part.

Best regards,
Cali

Josh crashed on his Mountain bike this last week and ended up in the ER with a broken collar bone, bruises and "road rash" everywhere on his right side and a torn MCL in his knee, which is now as big as both of my thighs! But the good news is- his bike is ok... Really that's all that matters according to him. His Boss confirmed that Josh is now a true biker because all real bikers break their collar bone at LEAST once.

When Josh first called me from somewhere in the mountains to let me know that he had crashed and wasn't sure if he could make it back down the mountain my first couple thoughts were, How am I going to find him in the mountains, if I do find him- how in the world am I supposed to get big ol Josh down the mountain, and Man- what more could happen this year.

Luckily some neighbor boys came with me and kept me calm on the long ride to find Josh, an extremely nice couple found Josh, packed up his bike, got him in their truck and took him to the Hospital. My neighbor boys then drove our car back home and I got Josh's truck, the nice couple waited at the hospital for me to make sure I was ok and then My Dad met me at the hospital to be with me while Josh was getting poked and prodded, x-rayed, and drugged up.

When I showed up at work the next day, my friends had said what bad luck we have. But then she said to me, "Really though, you are actually super lucky...You are both still alive."

On a happier note- Alex is super excited that now him and Josh are "twins".

Baby Mac and Oakland

2010-04-30T11:00:00.000-07:00

The other day we made a family trip up to see Mac right before bedtime! We call the cemetery Mac's park and I really want Oakland to know it and like to go up there. I try to take her up as much as possible and she is always really good when we are up there. I don't know how it will be for her, not knowing Mac. I know that for me, Mac's park is more a place where I can remember him and I like to go up there because that's one of the few places we got to spend with his little body. I don't really know how to explain it, but his park is really special to me and I hope that my kids can understand that and feel the spirit that is in Baby Land.

I don't know how many of you saw My Mom's post but there was a statue up at Mac's park of Jesus with little kids sitting around his knee. It was a really meaningful statue to probably a lot of the parents that have children buried there. Well, someone took a sledge hammer to Jesus and they ended up having to take the whole status down. :( It was on the news but here is a picture of how it looks now. On my Mom's blog there is a picture of right after it happened. Mac's grave is right behind the garden so just a few feet away from this statue. It's really sad...

Hopefully Mac's headstone will be leveled this spring from the tractor that drove over it to add another friend to Mac's park. It's a little crooked right now, but what little boy does stay in tip top shape when they are almost 2? :)

The Mom, The Wheelchair, and the stroller

2010-04-30T09:00:00.000-07:00

So the other day, I came home to this...

So much fun! Alex is back in his wheelchair because the screw they put in his hip has broken. They will be doing surgery again soon to fix it and he'll most likely be in a full body cast after.

:( Poor guy. My Mom is so amazing to take care of the girls as well as keep Alex entertained and having fun in the wheelchair. to keep posted on Alex, read here...Thanks Mom and Alex for doing a train walk with Oakland!!!

The great outdoors!

2010-04-29T20:16:00.000-07:00

Oakland mowed her first lawn last Saturday with Grandpa Scott. Thanks Grandpa for being such a great man and always so willing to play, watch and entertain Oakland. She really loves you and is luck to have you as a Great-Grandpa!

Ok- can they look more alike? Oakland is totally her Dad's little girl!

She loves the grass...

Nothing better than painted toe nails and a freshly mowed lawn!!

Oakland + Stroller = Pure Happiness

2010-04-29T20:09:00.000-07:00

What more can I say? Oakland absolutely loves her stroller. Now that it's warm, it's her new favorite toy... And you all know I enjoy it too!!!

Bikes...

2010-04-29T19:47:00.000-07:00

So any of you that know Josh, knows he gets on kicks of what he wants to buy next. Shoes, a toy chest, games... even items he knows we won't have for a long time; a house, a BIG truck, a motorcycle, a jeep, a big screen tv... everything that has to come when you are rich. :)

Well he got his mind set on bikes. A mountain bike for himself, a nice bike for me to ride and a trailer for Oakland. I was not too excited about that until he said the main reason he wanted it was to ride up to Mac's grave on a warm summer day with Oak and I.... Awwww- I'm sold!!!

Josh rides at least 3-4 times a week, I try to do my best but get so warn out! I really need to get my leg back in shape from the blood clot. It still gets really weak or cramps up if I do too much. And I am proud to brag about Josh and say that he HAS actually ridden from our house up to Mac's grave!!!

Oakland loves riding behind our bikes. She seriously enjoys looking around, going over bumps, and being outside. It's a really fun family activity and we do it often so I'm glad that we bought them!

After the bike ride is done, Oak is always sad to go back in her car seat... but she knows we will do it again!!

She's in good hands

2010-04-15T15:42:00.000-07:00

This is a conversation Josh and I had via text when I was at work and he was watching Oakland:

Cali: How's my baby?
Josh: So good... we both just woke up...she's so cute
Cali: Did you guys play outside?
Josh: Yeah she loves it... but she got hungry so we came in quick.
Cali: Thanks for taking such good care of her...
Josh: I have to... She's my girl

Awww. What a sweet Daddy!!!

Why did this happen to me?

2010-04-13T21:51:00.000-07:00

When Mac first passed away, I think everyone's first thought was "Why". Sometimes you just can't help it. I wondered why I wasn't good enough to be a Mom, or what I had done to cause this to happen. I wondered why I had gone through the entire 9 months of pregnancy, only to have a life with Mac cut short because of a cord accident. I wondered why God would do this to me? Why does he not love me enough to keep me from feeling that pain. I think everyone tends to do this when life gets tough.

Today though, I say this...

Why did God love me enough to trust me with his choice spirits and allow me to have Oakland on this earth to raise? What did I do to cause this to happen- be lucky enough to have two amazing kids. Why did I go through the doubts and hurt thinking I wasn't good enough when I know now what I do? Why would God do this to me? Why does he LOVE me so much that he would let me feel pain so that when Oakland was born, I know the hurt I could have felt and can feel the gratitude, pure love, and happiness towards our kids.

A wise women once said, "We can ask "why?" and "if only..." all we want, but it won't change the reality that Mac just wasn't meant to stay with us. No matter what would have happened differently, the outcome would have remained the same. God does not make mistakes. Mac was simply not meant to be here. He was too perfect to stay. His spirit was so pure that he had to be called home before enduring the trials and pains of this world. He fulfilled his earthly mission in the short time he was here and has returned to his heavenly home."

I say, "We should ask "why?" about the good things in life every day, because Heavenly Father loves us enough to bless us on a daily basis. No matter what does happen in our lives, God does not make mistakes. Some things are meant to happen, to teach us and to help us grow. We need to strive to be perfect. Our family needs to look up to Mac and his spirit that is so pure and live through the trials and pain of this world so we can be with him again some day. We need to fulfill our earthly mission in the time we have so we can also return to our heavenly home."

Why am I and my family healthy?
Why do I get the oppurtunity to raise such an amazing little girl?
Why do I have such a great job?
Why do I have a husband that loves me?
Why do I get the chance to see snow and smell rain?
Why do I get the priviledge to live in a day where there are wonderous things happening in the church?
Why do I deserve this? Why is this happening to me? HOW did I get so lucky...

Facts

2010-04-11T14:31:00.000-07:00

Oakland is 16 pounds 5 ounces- 93 percentile!
She is 26 inches long- 97 percentile!! (remember this girl is only 4 months)

She gets comfy when sleeping- no messing around!

She's got the big bug eye look going on...

Did I mention that's all the time...

She is still a very serious baby but if you are a man- she loves you and will smile at you.

G.G. got her a new book- It's the only one she'll sit through and quite thouroughly enjoys it!

She loves her tummy!

She attended her first baseball game on March 20th and could only pay attention to breathing in that darn wind. Maybe another day she will be interested in it. Daddy hopes. :)

Happy Easter!

2010-04-11T13:52:00.000-07:00

Easter morning was so much fun. We did a basket for Oakland and she loves her new things from the Easter Bunny.

Then there is always the food! We got to spend time with both Josh's family and mine on Easter- a big lunch and dinner with some amazing food.

The kids on both sides waiting to hunt those eggs!

Oakland's first egg discovery!

Oakland still LOVES her daddy!

And her fist. :)

Oakland with Aunt Rachel and Zoey!

Granny goose and all the little Grandgirls...

Goodnight Oakland- Happy Easter!!!

Easter, like all holiday's, are a little hard for me. There is always that thought of wondering what Mac would do. If he would be interested in the eggs or just like running around with the other kids. This Easter was far better than last since I had Oakland but still hard to see all the grandkids pile on Granny Goose and Grandpa Hinks lap, all my cousins and nieces and nephews search frantically for eggs, and everyone ooh and awe over how much your kid has grown over the last little while. Mac would be a year and 9 months this Easter- walking, jabbering, getting in to things, and wanting the toy the other kid has.

This Easter though, I have to be grateful for the church and what my Savior did for me. I am grateful that there is a way the I can see Mac again and raise him some day. I love the gospel and know it's true!

Uppercase Living

2010-04-08T13:04:00.000-07:00

I work in the home office of Uppercase Living who just released a new mini catalog for the year 2010. This catalog has exclusive kits for a variety of occasions, one of which being baby showers! Look who's famous!!!!

They used Oakland's name (first and middle with all the right spelling) for the picture in the catalog!! Now you have to understand, I am not stylish, I don't stay up on the latest trends or go with the newest fashions. So- I think it's pretty amazing that the Design team likes Oak's name enough to publish it in the catalog! This is going in her scrap book for sure :)

Thoughfulness...

2010-04-04T20:08:00.000-07:00

I don't know how many people look at the comments left by others so I had to post this. I received a comment from Missing Juanito letting me know about a surprise on their blog. I clicked over to this...

....And well over 50 more! Amazing. I could not believe my eyes at the selflessness of this sweet women and that she would think of Baby Mac and I on her Easter day. I am amazed by families like this. I will past more about our Easter later this week but had to share this with everyone because it left a big smile on my face...

Some Firsts...

2010-04-03T19:35:00.000-07:00

*If you don't read this whole post, at least look at the last picture... It's my all time favorite!

Alex's birth family came in to town 2 weeks ago and we got to do so many fun things with them. Here is a family picture of all of them. Ernie (Alex's birth father) his brothers and sisters, Collin holding Shyla, Nathan, Sierra, Alex and Ernie's wife, Ashley.

Oakland's first trip to the zoo!!! She loved it! I don't think she noticed the animals but she loved the oudoors. We haven't been able to go out to much with it being so cold so she loved to look around at all the trees.

Her first carousel ride. She did NOT like it when she was sitting forward but when I turned her around she loved to look around at all the bright lights and other "animals" behind her.

She loved this monkey!!!

Mom even got to have fun at the park with the kids. I actually loved this see saw... Normally they are so uncomfortable but this one at the zoo is really fun.

This is my favorite picture- this is Oakland's facial expression 99% of the time. So cute!

We got to go swimming with their family while they were in town.

I think this is a sign of things to come, tanning by the side of the pool with her friends. :)

I love my family...

On a side note, Oakland picks up toys on her own now! This was a picture of the first time she grabbed it by herself. Both Josh and I were so shocked when we found out the other person didn't give it to her, we didn't know she could do that!

Oakland is teething (as of last Saturday), so her fist is her new best friend. She even takes that over her binkie most of the time.

And here are some of my favorite pictures of Oakland from the zoo...

Little things I love!

2010-03-22T15:07:00.000-07:00

I love being able to push a stroller around- in the mall, outside, at the home and garden expo... anywhere! We got a stroller when I had Mac and I had been so excited to use it! And I don't feel let down- it's everything I imagined and more! I especially love it when people want to peak inside the stroller to see if your baby is cute or not. :)

This is so weird, but I LOVE using the changing table in public places. I feel so awesome that I am finally "qualified" to use the changing table with such a cute little baby!

So, when you go in to a restaurant with a car seat they ask you if you would like a "Sling" to put your baby in. Heck Yes I do! I love being able to stick her next to the table and talk to her while we eat.

I always thought I would get buff carrying around a car seat, but guess what? I hardly ever do! Josh is always so nice to grab it out of the car for me, and carry her wherever we go. I don't know why but I think car seats are a definite attractive accessory for men! When I do carry it though, I love it!!! It's so fun to lug your baby around and talk to them in the car and not have to worry that they are safe.

I don't have my camera to post pictures of this but here are a few other things I LOVE!!! I am not a morning person and normally have a very hard time getting out of bed, but now when I hear Oakland in talking to herself I LOVE to run in there and get a huge smile (most of the time a loud squeal too) out of her. It's so nice to wake up to in the morning and starts my day off so nice.

I normally don't wear jewelry but now a days you can always catch me with a binkie somewhere pinned to me, on my finger, etc. Oh that and spit up! I LOVE BEING A MOM!!!!

Our 2 kids and 4 videos of catching up

2010-03-09T21:11:00.000-08:00

I LOVE HAVING TWO ADORABLE KIDS!!! It's been really cold, so every time I go to visit Mac, I normally leave Oakland in the car seat all covered up. The other day it was warm enough that I could get her out for a second. She loved just looking around at Mac's Park (that's what we call the cemetary for the little kids). And then these are the pictures we got of Oakland and Mac- stinkin cute huh? We were luck enough to have Julie Williams take both of their pictures, which is really special to us. She did an amazing job and we owe her so much. She is a very special lady in our lives and I get teary eyed talking about her most of the time. Thanks Julie!!

On a second note, I posted 4 videos to try and catch up on the last couple weeks I haven't blogged- hope you enjoy!!!

Family trip to Cedar and St. George

2010-03-09T21:02:00.001-08:00

Make an on-line slideshow at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Josh's Sister and her Husband (Taylor and Abbel) participated in the SUU polynesian night (I made up that name, I'm not really sure what it was called) so we made a family trip down to Cedar City to watch them. We decided to make the extra hour trip to see our friends, Slade, Tara, and their son Quade. They live on a farm and it was SO much fun!! Oakland loved every minute of it and I think Josh and I really needed a nice little trip. Thanks Hinckley's and Hughes for the fun trip.

Oakland

2010-03-09T20:59:00.001-08:00

Make an on-line slideshow at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Ok, maybe I went a little overboard on sharing pictures but I just can not get enough of this little girl! Being a Mom has changed everything in my life, everything I look at, the way I see things, the way I want to be and act. I seriously could not have asked for anything more in my life and never knew I would be this happy with my family! I am absolutely in love with my baby girl!!

Daddy and Uncle Al

2010-03-09T20:58:00.001-08:00

Make photo slide shows at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Yes, Alex is wearing a "gas mask" to change Oakland's diaper...

Oaks Blessing

2010-03-09T20:54:00.001-08:00

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Oakland's blessing was an amazing experience and something that I had wanted so bad after Mac passed away. For a while other's blessings were really hard for me and were really emotional. Hers was emotional, but in a happy way. I am so glad to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and know that this gospel is true. It's helped me get through some really hard times and I'm grateful for prayer, the priesthood, and my family. Plus- she looked darn cute!

Sarah Jane...

2010-02-24T09:57:00.000-08:00

So I have mentioned this friend a couple of times throughout my blogging days, but never officially have said how amazing she is! I actually work with Sarah and have for the past couple of years. She started working at UL with me right before I got pregnant with Mac so was there for me through some very trying and hard days once I returned back to work. She always listened when I needed someone to listen the most, she always knew when to ask if I was ok or wanted to talk, and she has helped me grow a lot! She is really like a big sister to me in friend form. :) I actually owe her a lot but also adore and look up to her.

Well not only do I love her to death but she is doing a giveaway for this baby clothes company! It's super easy, just comment on her blog for one entry, become a follower for two entries, and blog or facebook about it for three!!! Whoo hoo- isn't she awesome!! She's announcing the winner on Monday March 1st so hurry up.

Oh PS- I'm going back to work on that same Monday the 1st... She better be ready for a lot of TEARS!!! :(

It just can't get any better!!!

2010-01-26T16:23:00.000-08:00

After I had Mac, in my mind, I was a mom and I could never go back. In some other peoples mind, I wasn't a Mom because I didn't have a kid here on this earth to raise. People would ask me if Oak was my first, and I would sometimes find myself answering yes. I don't know if this was because I didn't want to take the time to explain, if I was afraid I would cry because of all the pregnant hormones, or if I knew saying I had a stillborn was/is a natural conversation stopper? Towards the end of my pregnancy this was something I fought with so hard and got really emotional about it. After having Oak, in my mind, she is my second child. Now if people ask me, I would proudly and without hesitation say that I have two kids, she is my second, she has an amazing older brother, we are a family of four and we are all lucky to have him in our lives....and I wouldn't care if I balled my eyes out the whole time.

I think that sometimes I try to block out the sadness, forget that heart-renching feeling when someone tells you that your baby is no longer alive, and even sometimes want to say that I have one kid. What I have recently realized is that none of that helps the pain. When I think about him, talk about him, and even share him with others is when I seem to be really happy because he's my kid. Why hide him?

I absolutely love and adore Oakland. I could spend every minute with her and it would never get old for me....One of my very good friends wrote on her blog, "My newest visual obsession" when she had her son. When she first put that I thought I understood what she meant because I have Mac but I don't think I understood the meaning of her post title because at the time all I had was pictures of Mac to look at everyday and try to see new things. With Oak- it's totally different because I get to watch her grow and progress everyday. I honestly would not mind watching Oak sleep, nap, cry, anything. I have two completely different visual obsessions and find myself very lucky to be someone that can say that. It doesn't get any better...

MORE PICTURES AND UPDATE ON OAK....

Sarah and some other work friends chipped in to get Oak a Bumbo for my shower. The first time I put her in it- I thought she was going to die she cried so hard. Now...she LOVES IT! Thanks so much everyone!!!

Watching sports center...

Just chilling in my bumbo watching the ceiling fan...

Oakland is lucky to live so close to both mine and Josh's family. Here are some pictures of recent visits. I thought this first one was cute of my Mom holding Oakland on her legs...

My brother, Alex, is the greatest little uncle and has really started to bond with the two little girls in the family. He's getting really big and can hold Oakland- "All by myself".

My Older Brothers little girl and Oakland are only 3 months apart- I already know they are going to LOVE it! Morgan gets really excited when she first sees Oak and try's to grab her to put her in her mouth, pull her hair, or hit her in excitement. It really is pretty cute!

Oakland is lucky enough to live in her great-grandma's (G.G.'s) basement. G.G. is really good with her and frequently reads and sings to her. I am so glad that she will get to grow up knowing her and my Grandpa- they are both amazing people and love Oakland to death!

This is Oaklands second Mom...some days I think Tinker thinks she is her first mom! She loves Oak and is very protective over her. The other day Oak was sitting in her bouncer and one of my grandparents cats came over to smell her- Tinker came running over growling to chase the cat away and make sure Oakland was ok. I better watch out!!

Josh and Oaklands new game...

To update you on Josh, he is still attending school at UVU and only has one semester left before he graduates. (YAY!!!) He just got an internship at Alder Construction and is LOVING every minute of it. We are really hoping he gets a job out of it so keep praying for us that he will! Josh is probably Oaklands favorite person- she will follow him with her eyes whenever he is in the room, if she hears his voice she will turn her neck in whatever direction she can until he is in her eyesight, and she normally stops crying as soon as her picks her up...oh did I mention that she loves to watch sports center with him? I'm thinking they are going to be pretty good buds and I don't think Josh would mind one bit. :)

Pics, Pics, and more Pics

2010-01-18T21:20:00.000-08:00

I LOVE being a mommy to this sweet little girl! Every day I think more and more about how lucky I am to have her in my life and to be able to raise her. Mac has taught me so much about motherhood, patience and being thankful for every moment. It is incredible how much you bond with your children and the love that you can have for someone you barely know (although I feel like I know her more than ever now).

I am truly thankful to be out of the hospital and finally able to take care of Oak like I want to. I am starting to feel more like her Mom every day and am learning so much about what her and Josh got to do while I was not able to be with them. I am starting to get us both in a routine and enjoy every minute I get to spend with her. I love her little cry, laugh (she does this cute snort thing that I think is a laugh?), hair, noises, everything!

I think that we all miss Mac but the pictures we have are more cherished now than ever before. I love looking at them with Oakland because she really seems to pay attention to the pictures- like she knows him and loves him too.

This is totally off topic but it's a little experience that me and Oak shared. Josh was at a camp with the Young Men in our ward last Friday and our little nephew, Brock, celebrated his 2nd birthday the day he was gone. Rachel made a book for his birth mother with the year events. In one of the months she made a page about how Brock enjoyed hanging out with his cousins and for some reason when I got home and was thinking about that, it really struck me that Mac would have been about a year in those pictures and would have been running around playing with them. I couldn't help but think about what good friends him and Brock would have been because they are close in age.

Well I started to cry and couldn't stop. Since Josh wasn't there I felt so alone and really missed both of my boys. I felt so sad that he couldn't experience those things with his cousins and I felt sorry for myself that I could never have pictures of my little boy with his cousins. Oak was actually sleeping in the bed with me and she looked up at me, as I was sobbing at this point, and let out a tiny little coo- reached up and touched my face with a huge smile. It was so amazing and I felt so close to her and Mac at that moment. It was like Mac needed me to know that he was ok and I should be too because I have Oakland and I could take as many pictures as I wanted of her with her cousins. So that is my new goal...catch every minute in pictures!!! Here are some of the more recent ones with all of her random, funny faces she makes.

Mommy Josh...

2010-01-13T21:21:00.000-08:00

I know the title of this post is a little interesting so let me explain... Josh has been the main care giver to Oakland for the last 4 weeks! And has done an amazing job!! The week after I had Oakland, I started noticing a pain in my leg that I just chalked up to sore muscles from walking around the mall with Josh the day before. I let it go until my right leg was three times bigger than my left and black and blue! I went in to the ER and was admitted with a blood clot that ranged from my abdomen to just above my knee.

I was in the hospital for a just under a week... As you can imagine, this was SO insanely hard. I just had a new baby that I wanted to be with more than anything in the world and couldn't. I was trying to pump my milk so that I could continue nursing when I got out. I was worried about Josh having to take care of this week old baby. I was worried about myself and in a ton of pain. Oak could only come visit for short periods of time because we didn't want her to get sick from all the germs that were in the hospital and I had a hard time holding her because of all of my IV's and the pain in my stomach.

After a week I came home but was on strict bedrest so Josh was still in charge of Oakland. A week later I made Josh take me back to the ER because the pain was getting worse and I felt like there was something wrong...sure enough the blood clot was not breaking up and had now extended from my abdomen to just above my knee, to my abdomen all the way down to my ankle. Our only option was to be admitted to the hospital again with no idea of how long I would be there this time.

I was having a really hard time staying positive and know a portion of that was being cooped up in a hospital and bed for the last couple of weeks. The only thing that kept me going was knowing how lucky I was to have a healthy baby girl waiting at home for me....

So after being in the hospital twice and on bed rest until about 4 days ago, I am finally starting to walk around!! I still have a hard time staying up for long periods of time and have to elevate my leg as much as possible after being up and moving but I am finally starting to be able to take care of myself and Oakland.

I always knew that I had a good man after Mac passed away and after all the help he gave me emotionally for that, but Josh just gets better and better every day. He took 100% care of Oakland for 4 solid weeks and put up with me bossing him around since I couldn't do anything for myself. He cleaned the house and kept up on the laundry and did his finals for school! I will never understand how I got so lucky to have him as a husband.

I also have to publicly thank my family and friends. From visiting me in the hospital and at home in order to keep my spirits up to helping take care of Oakland. From feeding Josh and I dinner to letting me invade their living room so that I could sleep comfortably and get some sunshine. For checking up on me and letting Josh hang out with them to get away from us nagging girls. :)

Life sure does throw a lot of curve balls at you and I haven't been ready for any of them!! I can tell you this though...I have learned something very valuable from every single hard situation that has come up but am ready to have a break for at least a little while and just hang out with my little 6 week old baby girl who is not so little anymore!!!

Now that I am back on track with life I will post some pictures of Oakland soon and updates on what her and Josh have been up to the last little while. :)

Love...True Love

2009-12-06T09:33:00.000-08:00

My little boy has changed my life in a way that I never knew was possible. I love him more than I ever knew you could love someone. And I miss him more than feelings or words can express. Now that I have Oakland in my life, I realize how much I actually did miss with him and it makes me cherish every last second with her. From changing poopy diapers, to feeding her, to watching her smile that crooked smile of hers, cuddling with Dad, and snuggling with me- I LOVE it all! During the entire hospital stay there were things that kept sticking out to me that were so different from the two deliveries. Here are just a few that were big deals to me...

1. Mac- just a "contraction" tracker was hooked up to me, Oakland- I got to listen to her heartbeat the entire time!

2. Mac- I had a hospital band. Oakland- I had a band indicating that I could take a baby girl to and from the nursery and Josh and her had matching ones.

3. Mac- they woke me up every 2 hours to check blood and blood pressure status. Oakland- they woke me up every two hours to a screaming little girl that wanted her Mom.

4. Mac- people came to the hospital to visit Josh and I and a little boy that would never grow up on this earth. Oakland- people came to the hospital to visit my sweet little girl that would be here forever!

5. Mac- I got to dress him once at a cemetary. Oakland- I got to dress her up in warm clothes to take her home

6. Mac- I was heartbroken. Oakland- I was extatic!

Josh and I decided that on the way home from the Hospital we needed to take Oakland to Mac's grave to say hello. We found the nicest little surprise announcing Mac being a big brother! It really struck Josh and I that Oakland would be the luckiest girl to grow up with a big brother that would always be looking out for her. We sat in the car and just cried. Tears of pure joy that we had one too perfect little boy and a perfect little girl. I always wondered if I could love her as much as I love Mac, and that day I got my answer...I love both of my kids SO insanely much and feel lucky to be their Mom.

Here are just some stinking cute pictures of Oak...

Most of my wonderful cousins! (I don't have any with Brock or our Arizona cousins but will soon!)

I LOVE MY DAD!!!

Introducing Oakland...

2009-12-06T09:08:00.000-08:00

I am the luckiest girl alive right now! I'm sitting here blogging while my Husband and new baby girl are cuddled up on the bed watching a movie. Not at a funeral. Not crying tears of pain and hurt. This time, I got to bring a healthy little baby girl right in to my home. I have never been happier in my entire life!! Here are a couple of pictures but there are so much more that I wasn't sure how long it would take me and I wanted to make sure I got some posted soon!

These are the first pictures of Josh and I with Oakland (story and feelings to come in a later post but you can probably get close to them with these pictures.)

And here are some close ups of Oakland! I must say that I am a little fond of her. :)

I had to add this picture because of the meaning it has for Josh and I. When I delivered Mac, this was something I would never have with him...him hold my finger and open his eyes at me. That was one of the first things Oakland did for me. She opened her eyes and looked right in to mine and then reached up and took hold of my finger like a reassurance that she wasn't going anywhere. This picture is when Josh took her to get bathed and I adore it!

Stayed tuned...

A few more days!

2009-11-28T15:05:00.000-08:00

Alright, we are down to a couple more days before they induce me and we finally get to meet this little baby girl! I haven't updated the blog because I've been so busy doing all of the last minute tasks, Holiday's, getting ready to not work for 6 weeks, and Josh is trying to cram all of his school work in so that he can take a while off to be with Oakland and I so the computer has been occupied. And even after all of that, I still don't feel ready!

These past couple of days have been really emotional for me. All of the feelings that I thought I felt strongly still, are hitting me really hard. I cry- a lot. I miss Mac. The strongest feeling that I have is the feeling I had the day we were sent home from the hospital. The last day I was in the Hospital was without Mac. The nurses had come and taken his little body away and then it was just a matter of time before they sent us home. I remember Josh going down and getting the car, my Mom, Tyler, and Laura walking down with me and all of the beautiful flowers we had gotten...and my hands empty.

I will never forget the feelings I had when Josh and I walked up the 3 flights of stairs to our apartment. It's all a blur- except the very emotional feelings that I don't think I will ever get out of my head and my heart. I remember stopping at the top of the stairs, dreading to go in the house because that would make it real. I was home, without my baby that I had waited for so long to bring with me. I didn't want to walk past the nursery because that would mean looking inside to see all of Mac's unused baby items. Josh turned back to me, grabbed my hand and told me it would all be alright- he was there for me. On our door was a sign from his family welcoming us home and when we opened the door both of our parents were there.

I don't think I ever thanked any of our family for that day- I do remember every little detail but at that moment didn't think to thank them for all they had done. They had cleaned our house- and I mean deep cleaned. They had stocked our fridge, freezer and cupboards with food and snacks. And in the mean time, still been taking care of Josh and I at the hospital. They were exactly what I needed when I was missing Mac so much.

All I know is that the experience I had with Mac will be so different than this experience I will have with Oakland. Both of them are going to be life changing events for me... feelings, moments, memories that I will never forget and will cherish forever! But. I will sure be glad to bring a baby home from the Hospital with me this time!!

Hello Contractions?

2009-11-13T16:33:00.000-08:00

So just a little over a week ago I started having contractions! Not bad ones- just annoying ones. I never had any contractions with Mac until they actually had me all hooked up in the hospital and on pitocin so this whole pre-birth contraction thing is a new one for me... A couple of things I realized.

1. Do contractions feel different with every pregnancy? Because these feel different than with Mac- and not different from, uncomfortable contractions to labor contractions but different because Oakland is alive. This is weird and kind of hard to explain but let me try. First of all emotionally- when I was having contractions with Mac, I didn't have to worry about him at all because he had already passed. With her, I am worried- I feel bad every time I have one, knowing it has to be uncomfortable for her but also just worried about her heart rate and if she's stressed or ok when I have them, etc.

Second though, physically- when I had contractions with Mac it was just my body tensing up and having them. With her though I feel her react to the contractions which makes them feel different to me. Even if she is asleep when I have them, I think her body naturally tenses a little. I don't know- maybe they will feel the same when they are labor contractions because they'll be so much stronger and I won't feel her as much? Guess we'll see!!!

And last... contractions make you exhausted by the end of the day! Even these little annoying ones. (yawn) I'm already ready for bed. :)

Four new posts...

2009-11-03T21:49:00.001-08:00

Sorry- I posted four posts tonight! That's a little overwhelming but had to be done...

I did want to shoot out an update on the baby girl. First, I don't think I mentioned that we had decided to name her Oakland. You may have seen it here and there but I didn't come right out and say it. There is no specific meaning or reason behind it- we saw it on the Okland construction sign and it just stuck. For some reason it fits her...

We are starting the Non-Stress-Tests (NST) twice a week now with a Dr. appointment once a week so we are keeping busy watching her. Today was the first NST and it went very well. I said this to my dad, but she wasn't really cooperative. His response back, "I could care less if she wants to cooperate, as long as she is alive". Good point dad. :) I hadn't eaten since about 11 and the NST was scheduled for 4, so she was sound asleep during most of it. The nurse had to bring in some juice and ice chips to see if they could get some good movements. They ended up getting what they needed and said that she is looking healthy and nothing is concerning.

During the NST I could not take my eyes off of the screen. Every time she would move away from the monitor and the reading would disappear my heart would start moving a million miles a minute! I learned that Mac had passed away during a NST so it being a similar situation was really intense for me. I'm glad that Josh was there though and the nurse was really nice! I think it will be easier to go in again now since I have been once before and know that it's ok. We'll go back in on Friday and then meet with my Dr. Can you believe that it's only 4 to 6 (at the most) weeks away!!! AH.

Halloween

2009-11-03T20:10:00.000-08:00

Halloween was a blast this year! Alex, my Mom and I went pumpkin hunting and Alex found the perfect pumpkin and was so happy that he picked it out all himself.

Then, of course we had to compare who was bigger. I think we were pretty close... :)

We carved pumpkins at my parents house a couple of days before Halloween.

Holiday's seem to be a little hard- I'm sure it's like that for anyone that has lost a loved one. For me it comes down to this being the first year that Mac would probably enjoy dressing up, or hate touching the pumpkin seeds. I always wonder what costume I would have picked out for him and who would take him trick or treating. Would he hate being dragged around in the cold or would he enjoy himself? My Mom helped me out this year and bought me a shirt that fit just right and allowed me to dress up one of my kids. :) She bought a matching outfit for Morgan so that her two Granddaughters could be the same.

My sister, Taylor, used her talents to help Josh and Alex out with their costumes... boys. :)

We actually got to hang out with Josh's family this year on Halloween- I loved it but didn't get any pictures!! Erin posted some on her blog so you will have to check it out. We got to go trick or treating with the Nephews-huge thanks to our family for letting me walk around with your kids! It was hard for me to not have a kid to take around so it meant the world to me that you would let me trek around with you. We had a blast with everyone!

Mac's new cousin

2009-11-03T20:01:00.000-08:00

My Older Brother and his wife had a baby girl about 2 months ago and I haven't blogged about it yet!! I don't know if I have told them this yet but when I first found out that my sister in law was in labor- I broke out in tears. I was so happy for them but I was completely... jealous, I don't know another word for it. I called Josh and tried to explain to him how happy I was but how much it made me miss Mac and how it made me really jealous that she was having a baby that would actually be here on this earth with them. I then called my Dad and he helped me to realize that Josh and I were lucky to have gone through that experience and that we learned a life lesson that not only brought us closer to each other but also to our Heavenly Father and to the gospel. It was such a good lesson for me to have to move past the jealousy and now I am so glad she is in our family and she makes me smile every single time I see her!

A couple of weeks ago my brother called me up and asked if Josh and I would like to come with them to visit Mac for her first time. She slept the whole car ride up but as soon as we got there she opened up her eyes and sat wide eyed until we left. It really meant a lot to me that they would think of taking her up there to see her cousin...It's kind of funny how the small things seem to effect me the most lately. I'm glad that Mac has such a great little cousin!

Mac's walk

2009-11-03T19:46:00.000-08:00

October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month and some time during the month the Share organization holds a "walk of rememberance and hope". We went last year for the first year and really enjoyed it so went again this year. They normally hold a little ceremony to start it off and had someone sing a song that I don't know the title or most of the lyrics but I wrote down a few that really hit me. "Heaven is your home and it's all you'll ever know." "You'll kiss our tears away when we come home to stay." "You'll just have Heaven before we do".

Then a lady got up and gave a little talk- she had lost one of her twin daughters and then years later a son during her pregnancy with them. She said that the thing that stuck to her the most is how your world seems to stand still but everyone around you keeps moving. Josh brought this up to me again today and said that he has been thinking a lot about that because you really do feel that way. You can't think or focus on anything else except for that even though people are still going to work and school and living their every day lives.

I don't know if you can see this first picture but they make shirts and will put your babies names on it. Mac's is the last name on the first row and then the second picture is Josh and I walking around the cemetary with everyone else that came to the share walk.

Thank you for everyone that came! We really appreciated your love and support and for taking time on your Saturday to be there with us. I think through all of what we have been through I have relied on my family and friends- not only for moments of support like this but even simply letting me talk about Mac or counting him as a nephew or thinking about him during the day.

I don't really know how to explain it but when people are so willing to come be with us during something that may seem small to them, it changes my life. Mac passing away made my life go in a completely different direction than what I had EVER planned and the support of others makes me realize that direction isn't bad, just different.

The last part of the walk is that everyone gets a balloon to write a message for their baby and then they read the names of your child off and you release their balloon. I wish you could see the last picture better- it's such a humbling sight to watch all of the hundreds of balloons float away. We did a balloon release at Mac's funeral, so that always reminds me of him and has a special place in my heart.

Major Update!

2009-10-11T19:28:00.000-07:00

Wow. I don't even know where to start. Let me just apologize first for all of you that still check my blog- I am so sorry that I haven't updated for almost 2 months! Let me start with what is new and we'll just go from there...

First of all- I had to kidnap this computer from Josh in order to even attempt to update my blog and that was after my Sister-in-law, Erin, mentioned that it had been a little too long...so Thank you Erin! The reason being is that Josh is currently in his second to last semester of school! Yay!! He is always busy trying to stay caught up on all of his classes in between his main project- Math homework. So after both of us are home for the day, Josh gets priority on the computer. Understandable, I guess. :)

I am working full time still and have had a really crazy schedule. I got a new manager, the supervisor over the call center is only working part time now (which is really hard for me because she is one of my best friends and keeps me sane at work.) so I have been taking on a lot of her tasks as well, we just hired a new supervisor to cover her position so we've been working hard training him, and the others are in school so I have been trying to work the hours needed to fill in the gaps.

Now on to the good stuff...How am I doing emotionally and pregnant wise?

I am 30 weeks and 5 days pregnant... and loving every minute of it. I haven't retained water like I did last time, I don't sleep at all but am managing still, haven't had any contractions or suspicious activity and my precious baby girl moves on a consistent schedule- probably to keep me from going crazy.

Emotionally... I would say that I am doing well. I doubted how easy/hard it would be. I have some really good days where I don't have a single worry in the world, but I have my other days where I am terrified the same thing will happen again and am up all night crying. I knew that the further I got along in the pregnancy the harder it would be and I do have some honestly hard days where I just want the Dr. to start me right now since I know she is alive and well. However, during those hard times I still am rational enough to know that I want her to grow and develop as much as she can so that she is healthy.

I still miss Mac. A LOT. My thoughts used to be- "How big would he be", "What would he look like", "What would we be doing tonight", etc. Now those thoughts have turned in to "Would he understand the idea of me having another baby?", "what would he think of all this new pink stuff", "Would he be nice to her when she was born or be jealous". It's kind of presented a new challenge that I have had to go through that I wasn't all that prepared for. He would be about 18 months when she is born and every day I just have to remind myself that he IS a good big brother, probably the best you could ask for. He is probably excited for us to have another baby- maybe a little jealous too that she gets to hang out down here with us for a little while. :)

For me though, they are two separate kids. She is not taking his place at all- not even in the slightest way. He will always be my first little baby that changed my life in a way that none of my other children can. But she will be the baby that I get to raise and be with my whole life. I can tell you though- I do have a hard time not comparing how different I have looked with each of them! Josh many times tells me how much cuter I am with her than I was with Mac because I retained so much water that I just kind of looked large, rather than pregnant. On the other hand- I am a LOT bigger in the stomach than I was with him. Check out these pictures....

The first one is really blurry- sorry. I thought it could show how big I was at least. All of these pictures are of my pregnancy with Mac. So the first one was taken on 4/6 the second on 5/4 (I'll let you do the math since he was born on June 27) and the last one is about 10 days before I had Mac.

Now here is a picture of me taken today... It resembles the 10 days before my due date more than the other two!!

Baby girl stuff!

I am going crazy over pink, dresses, flowers, bows... and the best part if that Josh is a shopper, so he doesn't really stop me.

What are big brothers for? Hand-me-downs.

I saved all of Mac's stuff- I just couldn't let anything go, even down to the diapers and wipes. They sure have come in handy now! Josh and I went through all of the boxes together and sorted out what we could and couldn't use. I actually LOVED seeing everything again. I thought it would be hard but I went in to it thinking, "what can Mac share with his little sister".

Sneak Peak at her bedroom... Yes it's the corner. Ha. More pictures will come when we are completely finished. I am still working on the blinds and bedding.

Cravings!

These are some cravings I have had throughout my pregnancy. The two ongoing are pumpkin pie (good thing it's in season...or bad because it's not the healthiest choice) and Ice- whether it be crushed or cubed, I love it!

Ok well I am making a promise now that I will update my blog at least weekly now. Josh and I are going to work out a schedule so that I get some computer time. Maybe he can watch ESPN while I blog. :) But unfortunately he does need the computer now- Math assignment due at midnight and it's 10:30 but I have more to post so it will have to wait until tomorrow....

Life in the fast lane...

2009-08-01T13:59:00.001-07:00

Ok, here is a quick run down of the last two weeks...Josh and I moved from our basement apartment in Orem to Sandy. Since I couldn't lift anything Josh did most of the work! We had to be out by the end of July, however, I just got back from a week long convention for work so didn't help with any of the cleaning either! While I was busy working 10-15 hours a day my husband was being the wife and cleaning, moving, and shopping for baby cribs!!! He actually found a really cute one too- I'll post pictures if we end up buying it. Anyways, I have to catch up on some sleep so will post again shortly, we have another Dr. appointment on Monday, Mac has a new baby neighbor up at the grave, so pictures to come...

Reassurance…

2009-07-14T15:49:00.000-07:00

Two amazing things have happened this past week!

1. Last Thursday (July 9^th) I felt our baby girl move for the first time!! It was something that I needed to happen so bad and it was such a comforting feeling. Since that is all I know of pregnancies and of being a Mom, that creates a huge bond between me and my kids. I had already 100% bonded with this little gal but that for me, sealed the deal. I think that I cherish the signs of pregnancy and the different experiences because I know how much I love Mac without knowing his earthly presence. The 9 months I had of being pregnant with him are a huge chunk of the memories that I have. I feel like I need to document every kick and every ultrasound in case that is all I have to reflect back on.

Besides all of those points I am also just grateful in general for the chance that I have to be pregnant. I have some amazing women in my life that are not able to have children and I watch their struggles and hear about their feelings when others around them get pregnant and admire them. I don’t know another word- but I think that they are amazing and strong. I love each of them and the kids that have been adopted in to my family and thank them for sharing those experiences with me. I think that I’ve learned the most about what a family really means from them and I don’t think I’ve ever told them that their strength has been huge with getting me through difficult times and scary times.

Right now I can’t think of what is going to happen in the next 20 weeks, or I can’t focus and I turn in to a mess to be honest. I’ve decided that I’m going to take it one step at a time and just be grateful for what I have in the moment. Right now that is a little girl growing up, moving around, and getting strong. And some amazing feelings about loving this little one and loving my family of 4!

2. Look what Josh bought!!! It’s a heart beat monitor that I can use from home. Holy cow, can I be luckier! I have already used it multiple times and it’s already saved some serious panic attacks from happening. It’s such a comforting sound, even when I’m not worried- the heartbeat of a little baby. It doesn’t get any better than that!

Mac is going to be a big brother!!

2009-07-08T12:37:00.000-07:00

You heard me right… I’m pregnant! I have so many feelings about this topic that I don’t even know where to start, so I’ll just start with the details. I am 17 weeks along and we have been to 3 Dr. appointments, all of which have been terrifying, exciting, breathtaking, and crazy. I have to say that my Dr. has been amazing and totally understanding of the situation. He knows that my nerves are totally out of wack and is doing everything he can to help me get through that part of the pregnancy. He isn’t the same Dr we had when I delivered Mac but at the first appointment he just sat down with us and talked about everything. It made Josh and I feel so good and I trust him completely now. That same appointment he let us do an ultrasound so that we could see AND hear the heartbeat- our baby just looked like a little peanut at the time and while I was nervous for that appointment, I think I was more nervous to find a Dr. that I liked and just verifying that the test was right!

At our second appointment we just listened to the heartbeat, talked about how we were doing, and our Dr. told us that he would be willing to take me 2-3 weeks early depending on my nerves, if I developed preeclampsia again, and if the babies lungs were fully developed. I was telling Josh that I honestly was nervous for those appointments, but it was never the beginning of the pregnancy that scared me because that went so smoothly for me. This last appointment was another story.

I went in yesterday, right on my 17 week mark and the two days before I started to get really…. Afraid and anxious. I just kept telling Josh that I needed everything to be ok. I needed the reassurance that we’d made it 4 more weeks. I realized that I was starting to get attached to this little one and didn’t want to, afraid of loving so much and so hard- then losing so suddenly. I know the chances of the same thing happening are so unlikely but I had the worst anxiety and ended up crying all night, afraid for the next morning. When we got to the Dr. I was still just so nervous- it took everything I had to hold back tears, I just needed to see or hear a heartbeat. I’ve realized that Ultrasounds are my biggest fear now.

Josh kept telling me to stop bouncing my knee or doing whatever I was doing because it was making him so nervous. When the Dr. came in he just started to look for the gender to see if we could tell what it was, and I was not even slightly interested because I hadn’t seen the heartbeat yet. As soon as he showed it to us- a wave of relief came and I just started balling. I turned to Josh and said “good thing”- he laughed but we both knew that I was not kidding. Lol.

That brings me to our next bit of good news…IT’S A GIRL!!!!!

I have pictures, but don’t have a scanner to get them on to my computer so will post them shortly. Because I’m only 17 weeks, we didn’t get to do the full ultrasound so that’ll be our next appointment- when I’m 21 weeks but our Dr. did do a couple of measurements, enough to tell us that she’s in the 66 percentile for height so far and is measuring within 5 days of her due date- December 17^th. Which means that she’s healthy!!

I kind of thought that getting pregnant would, not replace Mac, but I think we all thought it would take away some of that pain… I can tell you that it didn’t take away any feelings about what happened. I still miss Mac, I still wish he was here, and I still cry for him. What it has changed though is the chance that I get to be a Mom- here on this earth. I’ll finally get to have that baby that I’ve been waiting for and that I expected to have a year ago. I am glad that we are having a little girl too because her and Mac are two different people, different spirits- she’s not here to replace him in any way and I’m nervous that if I had a boy, he naturally would. I am excited to be a Mom of a little boy and a little girl!!!

My sweet husband

2009-06-26T13:32:00.001-07:00

Josh asked me how I was doing today and handling my emotions at work and we had a little conversation about it but then Josh says to me, "You're a strong girl, I'm amazed by you." Josh, I love you... how would I ever get through anything without having that little nudge of support from you every day!

It's a Birthday party!!

2009-06-25T16:24:00.000-07:00

For: McKallister Vance Hinckley (Baby Mac)
Date: Sunday, June 28^th
Time: 8:00PM - 9:00 PM
Place: Mac’s graveside (Larkin Sunset Gardens Cemetery)
1950 East 10600 South
(you can actually turn right on 1700 East and park in the street- his graveside is right off the road)
Who’s invited: YOU!

After celebrating Mac’s birthday as a family on Saturday we want to invite everyone and anyone that would like to come have a Birthday party with us up at his graveside on Sunday. We are planning on meeting at his grave at 8:00 PM for a little cake, ice cream and fun as family and friends. We hope to see you all there as you have made such a great impression in Josh and I’s lives this past year and we truly appreciate your love and support.

Missing Mac

2009-06-07T20:59:00.000-07:00

I really missed Mac today for some reason... In 20 days he would be one years old! I have a one year old- how crazy is that? I've realized that as time has passed, I don't miss him less, and the hurt doesn't go away...I have just learned how to live with it and how to make myself better because of it. I see Josh with other kids and can't even imagine how much I would fall in love with how he plays with our kids. I wonder what Mac would look like, and how big he would be. I wonder if he would drive my little brother crazy because he'd always want to take his toys and chew on them. I wonder how he would get along with his cousins.

I wonder how my life would be different always putting a kid in a car seat, or waking up to take care of him at nights. I wonder what his cry would sound like- or better yet his laugh (would it be like Josh's lol) and I hope more than all of the stuff I wonder about, I hope that everyone knows how much I love him and how much I love the people that care about him.

4 new posts!

2009-06-03T21:52:00.001-07:00

Ok- I posted 4 different posts. Ha sorry, that's kind of random but I had some stuff to get caught up on and decided to post them all seperate so that everyone could pick and choose how much time they had and what they wanted to read about. :)

Our big surprise...

2009-06-03T21:26:00.000-07:00

While we were in Hawaii my parents called to let us know that Mac's headstone got set in! You may remember that they originally just put in a little index card sized paper that said his name and the date he was buried. Josh and I had decided that we wanted to wait until Mac's first birthday to put in his real headstone, and so Josh's sister and her husband bought us a temporary headstone that could be there in the mean time. I remember how much that meant to me when they gave it to us for Christmas...I was amazed that they would think of us in such a selfless way and help us enjoy our Christmas without Mac.

When my Mom called to let me know that this new one was in- I couldn't help but break down and cry. It is such a huge milestone in our lives. I never thought I'd be in the situation that I am in, but I was so happy to finally have his official headstone. Happy about a headstone?! I couldn't believe it... but I was happier then than I had been this whole year! Something for Mac to have that is all his own. When we went in to design it they threw around some ideas- gave us our options and then sent us home with a rough draft.

Everything that I would suggest, Josh would acknowledge, let me know it was a good idea but... and then he'd shoot out his idea. We did this back and forth for a while when Josh turned to me and said, "Ya know- I haven't done a lot for Mac and I feel like this is the one thing I can do just for him." After that I did not say another word and Josh designed the entire headstone by himself. It was so touching and I had never thought of it that way... Mac's headstone means more to me now than anything- something just for himself that Josh played the main part in. Mac's Birthday is next month, so his Birthday present came in a little early but it was just the boost I needed.

Hawaii the vacation :)

2009-06-03T21:10:00.001-07:00

Josh and I had so much fun in Hawaii together, especially with the couples that we went with. We got to hang out at the beach, go to the PCC, go shopping at swap meet, and sleep in!

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Hawaii Baseball

2009-06-03T20:12:00.000-07:00

Josh's last baseball series was in Hawaii and so we decided to make a trip out of it and I went. One of the players, Jory, was a pitcher for UVU who is married (to Lacey) so we went with him and one of the players from last year and his wife (Opi and Kenz). For the first 4 days we were there they had games at night, so we all went to the beach in the mornings then got to go back to the hotel and take a nap before each game then head off to the games.

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Josh played amazingly every game he played and the last game was so bitter sweet. Josh and I got married in February of 2006 and he left 6 days later for the first series of that spring. Every year since then he's played games every spring, traveled, and we've lived baseball! We've been married for 3 baseball seasons, so when it was over, all I could think about was what we were going to do with our lives now. It was so cute watching Josh walk off the field after his last at bat...He looked like he was going to cry. It was the sweetest thing ever! After the game we got to take pictures of everyone on the team and then hang out in Hawaii for the next week.

Baseball

2009-05-31T15:08:00.000-07:00

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Josh had his last home game almost a month ago (I know that's so bad of me that I'm just now blogging about it huh?)They had the Seniors come out on the field at the beginning of the game with their parents and spouse. They said a little about each player and then the coaches gave all the seniors a picture of themselves playing that had their name on it. It was such a fun game- Josh had so many friends and family come and we all just had a blast! After that, Josh had two more road trips and then we set off for Hawaii (see above post)...

Alive and well...

2009-05-26T15:21:00.000-07:00

Ok so today I realized that it has been 4 weeks since I updated my blog! Man, life is super busy right now... I plan on doing a catch up blog tonight, but 4 weeks worth may take me a couple of days to accomplish, so stay tuned- our next post will be a good one!

Awards night

2009-04-22T20:20:00.000-07:00

~sorry these pictures are kind of blurry...my camera has a hard time focusing on small objects~

UVU held an awards night tonight that was really fun! They have done this the past couple of years and everyone dresses up, student athletes are nominated for different awards and recognition and then we get together and have dinner and the awards are given out. Josh was actually one of the athletes that was asked to come up and hand out an award to the Teachers of the semester- he does such a good job on stage (and is pretty good lookin when he cleans up).
This year Josh got nominated for the Wilson Sorensen Spirit of Sport's award as well as the Athletic Service award (which he was awarded last year). I am so proud of Josh because this really is a big deal- you first have to get nominated out of the whole athletic departement and then to actually receive the award is a great accomplishment because there are so many deserving athletes at UVU.
This year Josh actually won the Wilson Sorenson Spirit of Sports award which is "For the athlete who best exemplifies the spirit of sportsmanship and teamwork; who are willing to put the team ahead of themselves; who are willing to sacrifice for the good of the team and who value the true meaning of good sportsmanship."

To have a husband that respects the game enough to have good sportsmanship and teamwork and puts the team ahead of himself is a good sign for other life events. :) It makes me excited for when we are able to have a family on this earth to see how he interacts with our children. I don't know why but tonight I really missed Mac... alot. I kept thinking that he would probably be a lot like Josh- outgoing, selfless, friendly, good public speaker, motivated, and team oriented (well not right now, but when he grew up). He would probably be an athlete because Josh and I both love sports so much and would have won awards and we would have gone to recognition nights, and all of that fun boy stuff you get to do. I really was sad that I was going to miss that with Mac.

I feel like every day something new hits me, that is hard and hurts and makes me wish I just had my little guy to hold and snuggle with. I always just want to kiss his cute little nose and tickle those long feet. He would be 10 months old in less than a week and in so many ways it has gone by insanely slow...but it has also gone by fast! I have a 10 months old little boy that is so perfect in every single way. So I have a favor to ask...those of you that have kids- will you give them a kiss on their nose and a huge hug for me? :) You have to love every moment you have with them because you never know when that will end.

~ps. Monday and Tuesday are Josh's last home games...forever! and Tuesday is Senior night. If anyone wants to come we'd love to have you!! Thanks to all that have supported Josh and I through baseball the past 3 seasons!~

Happy Easter!!

2009-04-12T10:01:00.001-07:00

Mac has the GREATEST grandparents in the entire world! They both came and put out some decorations so that Mac could celebrate Easter with us and even left him some cute notes. I have to say that Easter has been hard- I guess I should have expected that since every holiday so far has but who knew that we would be decorating McKallisters grave instead of dying Easter eggs with him? I've had a lot of experiences lately that have made me grateful for the gospel and the knowledge that I have. Today I am especially grateful for my savior and Jesus Christ. They have taught me so much in the last 10 months about Eternal Families and have made me proud to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Without the gospel and my family I don't know where I would be today and for that I am grateful. Happy Easter Egg hunting!!

California Baseball

2009-04-12T09:46:00.000-07:00

My work had Friday off so I got to fly to California early Friday morning to watch Josh play baseball. It was a little cold on Friday during their double header but then the sun came out Saturday and it was all shorts, t-shirts, flip-flop tan lines and baseball watching. The last two pictures are actually not from this weekend but I liked them and wanted to post them. :) On the second picture down you can see the parking garage in the background- i think there were more people watching the game from the tailgate of their car then the actual stadium. We got to go out to eat with our boys Friday night and I hung out with Lacy and her cousin Jamie the whole time. It was a blast!! Thanks all for a fun weekend!

What a stud...

2009-03-20T09:45:00.000-07:00

Look how awesome this picture is! It was taken at one of the Oregon games and posted on UVU's Althetic page. I really miss Josh while he is gone and it's really hard for me some weeks to not see him for days at a time, but I'm so glad that he is playing ball while he has a chance and having fun with it. He has great coaches and has made so many friends through baseball- it's been a great experience. I look back and wonder how it would be if Mac was still alive...would I miss Josh more? Would it be harder for Josh to be away from his son? It's hard knowing that I won't see McKallister for a while, and at this point I guess I'm just glad that Josh and I can miss each other, knowing that we'll see each other next week. Love you Josh!

Spare time fun...

2009-03-14T14:54:00.000-07:00

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

My little Sister, Taylor, and I have been doing Birthday parties in our spare time. :) TJ is an amazing artist and so does the face paintings and I will do the others hair while they are waiting for their turn. It's a cute little way for them to feel pampered and we have both really had a fun time doing what we love! Thanks for all of our cousins for volunteering their friends to be our experiements. :)

What's new...

2009-03-14T13:10:00.000-07:00

Ok so as you can see it's been two weeks since I last blogged- man did I have a lot to catch up on! There has been a ton going on with our little family so I'll do my best to update everyone...

Josh- Baseball Season...need I say more? Josh so far has traveled to Portland, Cedar City, and he is currently in Spokane for the next couple of days. They have had a series of home games, which I have loved to watch him play and have changed my work schedule around so I could try to be to all of them, which means a lot of tired days for me (working from 7:00-3:30 then watching baseball in the cold until 10 or 11 at night). Josh is doing really well this season considering everything that has happened in the last year and how clingy his wife is. :) Only 40 more games- or 2 months- left and Josh is officially done with college ball. I can not believe how fast it all went and don't know what I will do without baseball in our life. I'm proud of Josh because between baseball, family, church callings, traveling, and hanging out with me, he still finds time to do his school work and is kickin out some pretty good grades so far!

McKallister- Perfect kid. :) No but really, my little man would probably love watching baseball games by now and not know anything different then hanging out with Dad in a room full of stinky baseball players. But...since he is not here with us, I have some good news! I went in today and paid for Mac's headstone!!! It was a big step for me to go in there all by myself and I think I did really well. I was telling my little sister that Josh did most of the design on his headstone and I think that it's because that's the one thing that Josh can do for Mac and do to feel close to him. I love it even more because Josh picked out what he wanted on it and cared what happened with it.

Me- UVU Althetics has put on a 5K walk/run the past two years and that was this morning. Last year I was 6 months pregnant and walked the 5K but then this year I stuck with my Dad, Mom and Alex and Al and I would run for about 30 seconds and then we'd both be too tired and have to walk for 3 minutes. It was actually really fun and made me realize how bad I still need to get in shape. :) In May I am going to travel to Hawaii with the baseball team and Josh and I are going to stay a couple days extra with some of our friends and family- I'm so looking forward to that!! Other than that I am just working - I'm still working at Uppercase Living and loving it. :) And that's what's been up...

I'm going to try and post some pictures of what has been happening but it seems like every time I can get my hands on a computer, I don't have my camera and vice versa so wish me luck. :)

Mac feelings...

2009-02-25T15:55:00.000-08:00

This week has been a real eye opener for me and I wanted to share some of my feelings with those of you that follow our blog or even read it occasionally. I haven’t really blogged about my Mac feelings for some time but this week was super eventful and really life changing for me.

For those of you that don’t know Josh plays baseball for UVU and their season started on Thursday (yah)! I didn’t realize until he left that right now he is my life line. I was a WRECK the first night I was alone and then was disappointed in myself because I thought I had come so far and felt like I went back a huge step. I didn’t realize how unstable I am when I’m alone because I haven’t been since Mac passed away. I never realized this but when I’m at work- I’m with my co-workers and friends, when I’m at home- Josh is there, during lunch- I’m normally at my Mom’s with her. I started watching and noticed that there are so many instances where I am on the verge of tears (or a major melt down :))and someone comes to my rescue without even knowing it. I had no idea how many times a night I still wake up with nightmares but with Josh there I just roll over to cuddle with him and fall back asleep. I didn’t realize how much I think about how empty my house is without a baby but then Josh will cheer me up somehow. And I had no idea how much I had planned on having Mac around when Josh left on his baseball trips- I had it all planned out in my head only to realize that I was alone that night.

I ended up staying at my parents house the next couple of nights because I couldn’t stand to be alone. I got to asking myself- am I really ready to have another baby? That has been my thought process for the last couple of days… Josh and I have been trying for over 6 months now to get pregnant again, 4 of those months we have done ovulation tests and I have been taking prenatal vitamins. I’ve been really discouraged and struggling a lot with the fact that we haven’t been able to. This week I realized that this whole time I have not wanted another baby- I want my baby…I want Mac. I thought that if I had another one it would “fix” me or I would feel better about it, but honestly I shouldn’t feel that way because no one else is going to heal my heart the way I wanted it too and I want the next kid to be just as special.

Monday a new Niece arrived into the Hinckley family- Zoey Lou Hinckley. It was an…emotional day for Josh and I because we were filled with excitement and love for this new little baby but it was so hard. Zoey was born in the same hospital that Mac was, so it was the same floor, the same waiting room, the same people. I was so caught up in the excitement waiting for Zoey to be born that I wasn’t paying attention to my surroundings until I saw the nurse that helped me through labor, Wendy. I told myself that there was no way she could remember us because of an experience I had with my Dr. so wasn’t going to go over and say hello, but Josh marched straight over. She turned to him and said, “I was wondering when you were going to come say hello, how is Cali”. She remembered me- and not only me but my name! I could tell by the way Josh reacted that it was safe for me to go over so I went over and gave her a huge hug- honestly I didn’t want to let go. This women stayed strong for me, tried to make jokes to keep us laughing, and was genuinely kind during labor.

When I walked in to the room to see Zoey my heart melted for that sweet little spirit and it was such a bitter sweet moment. The feeling between that day and June 27^th were so entirely different and yet I realized that they were both just as special. Zack and Heather were so happy and had such a strong spirit about them, Josh’s Mom was in the room with us and was so sensitive to our feelings and handed Zoey right over to me. Heather then turned to me and said that they had named her Zoey Lou in hopes that she would have some of the strength that I had. (Everyone in my family calls me Lou- parents, brothers, sister, Josh, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and all my close friends) I didn’t even know what to say- it was one of the greatest experiences for me to hear that and I was so touched!

I had this sick feeling about hospitals, Dr’s, having a baby that I needed to get over. Everything that happened this week pushed me a hundred steps closer to healing. I am so grateful that Zoey Lou has come in to our lives at this time to help me through all of this and for her parents who are amazing people and have helped me in a way they will never know. I am so glad that Josh is playing ball- no matter how hard it is- because it can only make me stronger. It’s amazing to me to know the friends and family that I do and their great support through all the hard times. So I guess at the end of the week, I'm just grateful for the additional trials that I go through even though I thought my "turn" for trials was over. Keep 'em coming because I am growing more and more with each one!! :)

Happy Valentines Day!!

2009-02-15T19:12:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentines Day from the Hinckley's!!

Since our Anniversary is so close to Valentines day we just decided to spend the day together and made a trip to see Mac. There was already a heart plate and his windmills when we got there (and the pine cones of course). My parents had taken him a balloon and left a magic marker there for everyone to write on but we think they must have blown away because they weren't there when we showed up.

Josh won't let me take flowers up to Mac because "boys don't like flowers, they like hot wheel cars" but I like them so much, so we compromised- flower petals. I'm sure he would love sticking them in his mouth at this age!! And I couldn't pass up that cute stuffed animal and since it was on sale Josh let me get it. Maybe for St. Patty's day he'll get a car. :)

Anniversary #2

2009-02-09T21:29:00.000-08:00

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Today Josh and I are celebrating or second anniversary! I can not believe that we have been married for 2 years...man how time flies. I just put together some of the pictures that I had easy access to (that were on the computer)to share what we have done over the past 2 years. I think that through it all we have learned the true meaning of family and friendship, we will forever have something and someone special between us, it's been a blast, and I have LOVED every minute of it....

P.S. You'll have to stop the music at the bottom to watch this. :)

Quote...

2009-01-25T12:47:00.000-08:00

President Dwight Eisenhower once said, "There is no tragedy in life like the death of a child, things never get back to the way they were."

I still can not decide if they don't get back to the way they were for the worst, or the better. Recently I've come to the conclusion that it's both. On one side of the spectrum, I've learned more from this experience than I have through anything else in my entire life, however, on the other side- I'm always torn up inside.

I've tried so many things to help myself get on in the every day world, to stop the nightmares, to feel better about yet another month without a kid, to stop crying every day, so this month I tried something else...I haven't been to Mac's grave since the beginning of January. Before I hadn't even missed 2 days, and I thought it might help....it didn't.

Our newest family members!

2009-01-06T20:56:00.000-08:00

I have been asking Josh for a pet because I really felt like I needed something to cuddle with. A puppy, kitten, anything that I can hold and take care of. Well we live in a basement apartment so pets are not allowed. :( So Josh comprimised and for Christmas he got me something that I could take care of- Introducing....Float, Flotsam, and Jetsam!!!!!

Float is my fish, Flotsam is the fatter frog sitting closer to float and Jetsam is the skinny guy at the top. Aren't they so cute?! (My sister, Taylor, helped Josh with picking everything out! Thanks TJ!)

Josh picked out the cutest little tank that has rocks in the center and then vinyl that goes up the back and along the bottom. It's all white around the outside and so cute! I was totally impressed that he would pick out such a cute tank! :) I love you Josh and thanks again.

Loving everything about my family!

2008-12-29T20:41:00.000-08:00

This post is a little long, so if you are feeling A.D.D.ish feel free to just look at the pictures! :)

So I've been meaning to post about this since Christmas, however, I really wanted it to be in the ground before I showed pictures of it! We celebrated Christmas Eve with the Hinckley's and I'm going to admit- it was a hard day!! All I could think about was not having a kid to open presents with...it was pretty brutal. But if any of you know any of the Hinckley's they all have a different way of cheering you up. It's amazing. To add on to that, my Family randomly showed up to join in the festivities! yah!!

Well Santa came and I was so glad that Mike and Erin let Bryson sit on my lap. I know that he's not MY kid but it was nice to have A kid to hold while santa came in. I hope they don't mind because I'm sure that is something every Mom wants to do but it meant more than I can even express that they let me do that. When Santa was done with all of the little kids he said that he had one more present and asked Josh to come up. All I heard was, "we are short one this year aren't we", and I was in tears. They remembered Mac as one of the Grandkids! This is what was inside of McKallister's present...It's a temporary headstone!!!! Josh and I have picked out the one that we wanted but have been having a real struggle because Josh wants something there, but I want to wait for Mac's Birthday to put in the real one so this was perfect! I can not thank Santa enough for the thought that went behind this. I can not even express how selfless the members of Josh's family are- to think of us during the crazy holiday season. I've been sitting here for the last 10 minutes trying to word how I feel but there are not words. I LOVE my FAMILY!!

The day went on and there was yet another surprise. Rachel had made a dvd for Josh, Mac, and I to have for Christmas. It was pictures of the temple with recordings of our family throughout expressing their feelings to us. I can not tell you the spirit that was felt in that room as I listened to every member of my family say a little something. The entire time all I could think was, "Dang Mac, you are one lucky kid to have a family like this. How did we end up with such special people in our life".

On Christmas day I thought the tears were over...haha I had you fooled too huh? :) My Brother Colby, Dad, and Sister Taylor had made a disk of them singing a version of "I am a Child of God", but the words go along with a child that is already in Heaven who is now waiting for His family. I've been trying to figure out how to put it on Mac's blog so that everyone can listen- when it's up I'll let ya know. My big brother had then found talks/quotes of prophets and apostles saying something about those who have already passed away and placed that throughout the song. It was amazing!! My family is very talented when it comes to music and I realized then that is the best way for my Brother to help me. We have never had a sit down about everything that happened but he knew just what I needed. It was perfect.

My cute little mother then put a story in Mac's stocking. (Her and I are a lot in common and are excluded in the music talent so she found another way to make my christmas great! :)) She had written a story about Mac's first Christmas with his friends Maverick (who is buried next to Mac up at his grave) and Jesus. It was a childrens book and she did fantastic!! My Mom is totally kid geared and I think she had my future kids in mind when writing this. It is for sure one that I will keep around and Love her so much for being able to put her feelings down on paper in that way.

On Christmas day and the day after it snowed like crazy up at Mac's grave and when we had gone up there earlier the snow was up to my knees so we didn't think there was any way we would get to it for a couple of days. Boy were we wrong....

Josh's sister, Taylor, and her Husband, Abbel, had cleared a path from the road to McKallister's grave!!!! Holy cow there is no way anyone could not find his grave! I am not a huge snow person so wanted this done more than ever but honestly probably wouldn't have convinced myself to do it until after the snow melted! :) These two are the greatest! In one day, the knew there was snow, they trecked up there, and cleared it out. How much greater does my family keep getting? This may not seem like a big deal to some, but to me- it was the greatest act of service and love ever!

I never realized that you probably didn't know that this marker in the picture below is a little bit larger than the size of a sticky note. A dirty, not readable, sad, sticky note...so out with the OLD

And in with the new!!! Yah!!Merry Christmas...From the Hinckleys.
Josh, Cali, and Baby Mac

6 months old....

2008-12-27T21:56:00.000-08:00

Mac would be 6 months old today!....My sister-in-law, Erin, made a comment that she could not believe he would be that old already and asked me if it got any easier. I thought I would share my thoughts with everyone on that because I'm sure it varies for everyone that goes through losing a loved one.

I still think about McKallister every day but not any less or more than I did before. He's still always in the back of my mind and every little thing reminds me of him. I still think about what life would be like if he were here but never wish to change what happened. I still have days that I cry so hard that I wonder if I'll ever stop. I still think about that day as if it were yesterday. I still hurt inside and my heart aches. I still miss Mac and Love him more than ever!

I don't think it's any easier than it was 6 months ago, but I've learned more than could ever have been imagined with this situation. I've learned that my Family has not forgotten Mac and that he is counted in the Grandkid, cousin, and nephew count. I've learned that when I am doing what is right I feel comforted and the more I pray about the whys and what ifs, the hurts and fears, the sorrow and loneliness, the more I feel them turn in to trust that this happened for a reason. I have found that when I rely on my Family members and friends and talk to them about my feelings or thoughts- it helps them not build up inside. I think that it will always be hard and always hurt, but I'm hoping that we are able to teach our future kids all that we have learned from Mac and that it will bring us all closer together.

Happy 6 months Birthday my baby Mac!!

Designer Blogs

2008-12-14T13:35:00.000-08:00

My Sister-in-Law, Erin has started her own business!!! DESIGNER BLOGS- where you can get a fashionable, adorable, cute, stylish, new blog design. Check out her Grand opening SALE of 50% OFF your blog design until January 10, 2009 at her website through the link above. She does an amazing job, as you can see from my new makeover! :) Thanks Erin!

Weekend fun!

2008-12-07T21:20:00.000-08:00

Josh and I had a super fun week/weekend so I thought I would share it with everyone after posting about my challenging week. :)

My family and I went to temple square to look at the lights on Tuesday and road the trax down. It was super fun and Alex thought that when I was taking pictures of the temple that I was actually taking them of Santa (I guess because I was pointing my camera up) so that made it a little adventure for the two of us. :) Josh had school and Kierra had to work- we missed you guys!

On Friday my Sister-In-Law, Bethany, invited me to have a girls night with her. I didn't get any pictures but we went out to the movies and then to dinner together. It was just what I needed... I've been so down lately and it was awesome of her to think of me and take me out for a fun time. Bethany and I have gone through a lot together- the good and the bad, but she has always been the greatest example to me and I look up to her like a sister. She was a huge help to me with Mac and has been one of my best friends. I think that she was inspired on Friday because she really said some things that touched me and I needed to hear them. She probably doesn't realize but she answered some of my major questions that I've been praying so hard to understand.

Then on Saturday we got to go to Festival of Trees to see my cousin dance. (She is the one in the very middle of the group). You did awesome Abs! I was so impressed to see her up there in front of everyone and she did a great job performing.

Josh and I have decided to do a tree next year in memory of Mac as his Christmas present for that year so we went to the Festival with that in mind. We got a lot of ideas and my whole family came along with Ike and Bethany. The boys got bored really fast, of course, but us girls went up and down every row- taking pictures and getting ideas. Thank you all for the fun time!

Right after the Festival we went up to Mac's grave to take down the Thanksgiving decorations and put some up for Christmas!!

This is my family, Kierra and Colby, Dad and Mom, Alex, Mac and I- Josh is behind the camera.

That night we got the oppurtunity to attend a candle light vigil in memory of those who have lost children. We will for sure have to let everyone know about it ahead of time next year because it was a really awesome experience (sorry to all of those that I told too late, that was my bad and I promise to keep everyone updated further in the future from now on). My Mom, Grandma and Grandpa Maughan, Josh and I went up to it and I was amazed how many people attended. It was really important to me to see how many people are in the same boat as us and be able to hear the speakers talk about our losses.

I was really excited because we got to hear from Julie Williams. For those of you who don't know her- she's one of the people that I am the most grateful for in my life. She came to the hospital and donated her time and talents to take pictures of our family and McKallister. She did an amazing job and provided me with the most memorable and sacred pictures of my son. I will forever be thankful for her and absolutely adore her!!! She did a great job and it really made my night!

Christmas Box Angel- Candel light vigil, tonight at 7

2008-12-06T10:04:00.000-08:00

Anyone interested in attending a candlelight vigil for families and friends who have lost a child, The Christmas Box is holding one at the Angel in the SL Cemetery on December 6, tonight at 7 pm. Click on the link below to get directions to the angel. Sorry this is so last minute- we only found out about it earlier this week and I didn't even think to put it on here until I saw my Mom's and thought it might be a great idea. I promise to put things that we do in memory of Mac on here prior to the day of from now on. :) PLEASE let anyone who may be interested know about this! We'll see you there!!http://richardpaulevans.com/angel-statues/

One hard week...

2008-11-30T13:42:00.000-08:00

So when I was growing up and someone had lost a loved one they would always say that the Holidays are the hardest and I never knew why...this year that sentence has a whole new meaning for me.

I have been so emotional and honestly grouchy about everything and to everyone.

Sunday I was struggling with missing Mac. I went to my grandparents house and was hysterical, crying, and upset.

Tuesday, We went in for tithing settlement and on the page they give you it has all of your information, including kids. I swear it was like capital letters stating NO CHILDREN!!! It hit me so hard and when we got home I called my Dad in tears so upset that they would write that on the tithing settlement pages! I felt like they were rubbing it in that I didn't have kids here on this earth.

Thanksgiving was Mac's 5 month Birthday so of course that was hard for me. I wondered all day what I would be doing with him- would I let him try pumpkin or banana pie? Would he be fussy from not having a nap because of all the family and noise? Would my cousins fight over who got to hold him?

Friday Josh and I went in and picked out a headstone. We have wanted to pay for it now and have that be our Christmas present and then have them set it in June for his first Birthday. When we walked into the main office it was like nothing I could explain. I have never felt so sick in my life.... the only other two times I have been there was a few days after his birth when we were picking out a casket and then on the day of his burial. My stomach felt sick and all of the emotions I felt on that day rushed back to me. I felt anger, sadness, frustration, hurt. I was angry that we were picking out a headstone for my son's Christmas present.

On Saturday I started- ya know? (sorry to all the men that are reading this or those who are private about this matter- me, I'm very open and if I don't tell you- Josh probably will :) ). So right now I am the farthest away from being pregnant as I possibly could be. I have found myself questioning all day what I am doing wrong, why it is not my time to start a family here on this earth, what could I do different to have what I want the most, and how can I be unselfish about it.

Today, we went to one of our friends baby blessings and they asked Josh to be in the circle. All day today I have been on the verge of tears. You know that muscle that you use to hold back from crying? I call it my tear muscle- well it's been getting the biggest work out today! It took everything I had to hold back from falling apart right there in sacrament meeting. I felt jealous, sad, heartbroken, lost, hurt, and upset.

So this Holiday season I find myself....a wreck. However, I have also found myself grateful for those things that got me through each of these new trials.

My Dad for letting me cry and be angry on the phone. For raising my voice and telling him it's not fair. For comforting me and telling me that I accepted this trial and am stronger than he is. For him being the greatest dad ever.

My Family for keeping me entertained and my mind off the sadness of the day and hanging out with me. For blessing Mac and all he's taught us in the family prayer. For allowing me to cry and not ask why. For visiting his grave and being great aunts, uncles, cousins, and family to him. For comforting me.

Josh for holding my hand through "picking out a birthday present". For his laughing and saying that he wished Mac could pick out his own headstone. For taking me to his grave afterwards but being too cold, giggling and running away screaming behind him, "love you Mac". For putting up with me.

Sarah for asking me how it went when I got back to work. For knowing that I have hard days and always giving me the hugs that I need. For telling me that she still thinks about Mac. For being there for me. For being my Friend.

Taylor for letting me talk to her about the girl moments and agreeing with me that it sucks! For not judging me when I express my frustration. For not ever telling me that she knows what I'm going through and still cheering me up.

The Brady's for inviting Josh to stand in the circle. For showing their love and happiness towards their new baby girl. For allowing me to feel the spirit and joy for their new family. For smiling.

All of you that just read this really long post and the support, love, and friendship you have shown Josh and I.

Mac for being dang cute and completely PERFECT.

Husband tag...

2008-11-22T22:12:00.000-08:00

Jessica tagged me and I'm so glad that she did- I've been really mean to Josh lately, and honestly I don't know why. This will be great for me to sit back and not only remember this stuff but write it down so it's engraved in my head!!

1. Where did you meet your husband? On a blind date. I worked with his Sister-in-Law, Bethany, and she set the two of us up after he got back from his mission.
2. How long did you date before you got married? A little longer than 7 months.
3. How long have you been married? 1 year and 9 months
4. What does he do that surprises you? He cleans the toilets and bath tub- I have not done it once our entire marriage!
5. What is your favorite feature of his? His ear- I know that's a super funny answer but some will understand why I say that. :)
6. What is his best quality? That he can walk in to a room and change the mood...you know that laugh? It's super contagious and he's so good at making everyone happy and laugh.
7. Does he have a nickname for you? My family calls me Lou so he picked up on that and calls me Lou Poo, Lou Bear or Louie.
8. What is his favorite food? Josh is a garbage disposal so I can tell you what he orders 99% of the time at a restaurant- steak, however, his favorite food varies depending on what he is eating at the time. :)
9. What is his favorite sport? Baseball...I would hope that is his favorite.
10. When and where did you first kiss? We kissed on July 6th, 2006. And the only reason I remember the exact day is because I thought he was going to kiss me on the 4th with all the fireworks, and a warm summer night- instead he told me that he had something to tell me and these are his exact words, "where is your nearest garbage can? I need to throw up" and he did. So 2 days later we went up to my Grandpa's property near price and kissed on the mountain side that overlooked the valley on a chair made of rocks.
11. What is your favorite thing to do as a couple? I personally like to sit at home and watch a movie with popcorn and cuddle under a blanket, but Josh is super social and gets bored of me so his answer would be the opposite of that!
12. Do you have any children? Yes, McKallister- personally I think he is the most perfect child you could ever have!!! :)
13. Does he have any hidden talents? Josh is a really good singer- when he tries. He doesn't think he is so he will always "pretend" when he sings, but if you can catch him singing in the shower when he doesn't think anyone is listening he is actually pretty dang good!
14. How old is he? 23
15. What is his favorite music? Josh listens to a good variety of music but he really likes reggae.
16. What do you admire most about him? I would have to say- no matter what is going on or how many things he has in his arms, he will always open the car door for me. He one time threw- yes threw- me out of the way because I was opening the car door, it means a lot to him and I really admire that.
17. What is his favorite color? Red, Green, Blue...um- I don't think Josh has ever set on a favorite color. Whenever I ask him it's different.
18. Will he read this? Yes but only because I asked him how to spell reggae so he'll probably wonder what I was doing.
19. Who said I love you first? Josh.

I've been tagged- this time by Mom

2008-11-16T14:51:00.000-08:00

3 of my recent favorite purchases:
1. The plot where Mac is buried (I love the location we got)
2. A pair of jeans
3. Gas- with the prices so low I actually look forward to filling up my tank

3 favorite movies: I couldn't decide on this so I just put the last 3 I have seen.
1. Madagascar
2. Vantage Point
3. Rocky

3 things I haven't done yet:
1. Gotten back in shape after having a kid
2. stopped biting my nails (i know, it's a disgusting habit and Josh hates it)
3. Scrap booked my wedding or McKallister

3 things I can't live without:
1. Josh and entire family
2. milk
3. tweezers

3 of my favorite dishes:
1. Mac and cheese
2. Grilled cheese sandwiches
3. Josh's crockpot chicken

3 of my favorite TV shows:
1. CSI: NY
2. Criminal Minds
3. The biggest Loser

3 of the last places I've traveled:
1. Cedar City
2. California
3. Idaho

3 of my favorite treats:
1. Ice cream
2. Chocolate
3. Peaches in milk

3 things I'd buy if money weren't an issue:
1. a house
2. a dog
3. Nice furniture (enough of this D.I. stuff) :)

3 people I tag:
1. Tiffany
2. Sarah
3. Heather

I've been tagged...

2008-11-13T17:54:00.000-08:00

I kid you not....this was my 10th picture in my 4th photo file. Yeah- that's my husband. :) haha this was taken last winter when we had gone sledding with Ike, Bethany, Taylor, and some of their friends from High School. Afterwards we had hot chocolate (and if I remember it wasn't so hot any more?) and hooked up a tube to the back of our truck. It was a way fun night and as you can see Josh was hotter than ever!!!! Now I tag, Mom, Taylor, and Marni

Oh and P.S. the logo on the side is because we loaded all of our pictures on to Josh's Ipod and then they accidentally were deleted from our computer- the only other place we had them! We found this system to put things from your Ipod back to your computer, but as you can see all of our pictures now have this logo. My advice to you- store your pictures in more than one location!! :)

McKallister's Halloween

2008-11-04T19:57:00.000-08:00

Halloween day with Mac...
I need to thank all of my family and friends that helped me through this day!! Whether you listened to me, cried with me, comforted me, included Mac in a part of your Halloween day, or helped decorate his grave- I can not thank you enough!!!

HalLoWeEn wEeK

2008-11-04T19:42:00.000-08:00

On McKallisters 4 month birthday we carved pumpkins at my Mom's house. It was so much fun!! It was the first year that Alex worked on his pumpkin from start to finish and actually touched the "guts" inside. He was even joking around that he would eat it or throw it at us. Josh carved one side of his pumpkin all out and then decided he didn't like it and so did the other side and put the messed up side back together with tooth picks. Both of them turned out to be adorable i thought. :) My Mom and I mainly scraped out all of the insides of everyones pumpkin which is a special talent that we both seem to have. Ha Then there was Taylor...hers was an art project!! She studied out what the best option would be depending on the shape of her pumpkin, she got pictures of different options, and then she took HOURS to finish. I never got a final picture of her pumpkin because we had to leave before she was finished. She ended up scraping out the shape of the temple, which was awesome!!

Two days later we got together with one of Taylor and Josh's friends from school, Akwasi, because he has never carved pumpkins before!! It was really fun to watch someone experience pumpkin carving for the first time- he thought we were nuts but seemed to enjoy it. TJ and I worked on the one she is holding, and Akwasi did his own. Josh was so bored of carving so many pumpkins that he did homework and sat around trying to get us to do something else! Thanks to everyone for the fun we had!!

2008-10-15T18:07:00.000-07:00

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. We were able to join the Share foundation to remember our babies and walk in memory of the steps they will never take last Saturday. It was actually a really hard day for me but great at the same time! They started out with introducing the couple that started the foundation after they lost their son. They shared their story, which was heartbreaking and then a young girl sang a beautiful song. After that we all participated in a short walk around the cemetery and then participated in a balloon release in memory of our kids. There were quite a few people there and as they read the name of your baby off you released your balloon that had been signed by those that were there.

After the event was over we went to Mac's grave and ate pizza as a family and hung out there. I've been having a really hard time lately because I have not wanted to bring others down when I am having a bad day (which is still a lot more frequent than I would like)...who do I go to, will they think I'm crazy when I break down crying? I am grateful for those family members that came to this walk and supported Josh and I because it really showed me how much they still care and they still remember Mac.

My Mom had decorated Mac's grave for the month of October and "Mac's tree" that is located right next to his grave. Thank you Mom for still spoiling him like you would any other Grandkid and for caring about how his grave looks. I don't think you know how much it means to me that you care about him so much. You are the greatest Grandma in the world and I'm so glad that I have you to help me take care of my little man.

I wanted to let everyone know that I have to have the greatest, most supportive family in the WHOLE world! I am so happy that I married into the family that I did and had the chance to grow up with my family. I love you guys!!

Oh and thank you Taylor for making this video for me!!! You're awesome!!

3 Months old...

2008-09-27T09:54:00.000-07:00

McKallister would be three months old today...such an adorable cute age!! I wanted to thank two people in my life who have been amazing enough to name my baby after. First my Grandpa Scott. His middle name is Vance, so that's where Mac's middle name came from. I have grown to have such a love and appreciation for my Grandpa that no one could imagine. Anyone that knows my Grandpa can say that he is one of the most amazing people they have ever met!! Grandpa thank you for loving me for who I am and always commenting on how beautiful I look- even when I don't think I'm even pretty, thank you for putting a smile on my face when I'm feeling down, thank you for always tickling my knees to get me to laugh- even when I pretend I'm not ticklish anymore, thank you for taking pictures of my tummy every Sunday to see how big I got when pregnant, thank you for allowing my husband to spend countless hours in your shop using your tools and wood, thank you for showing me how to love everyone- no matter who they are, thank you for teaching me how to learn from a trial harder then anyone could imagine and stay positive when times are tough, and most of all- thank you for being my Grandpa Scott.

Second- Tyler McCallister. (I hope that's how you spell your last name, we switched up the spelling a bit:) ) Tyler served his mission with Josh and was an amazing friend. When they got home Tyler came on Josh and I's first date, so technically I've known Tyler as long as I've known Josh! Everyone calls Tyler "Mac" as well so that's where we got my Mac's first name. I've gotten to know Tyler's family a little bit and they are all amazing people! So much Love just radiates from them that I am so grateful they let me name my son after their last name. Tyler and his wife Laura came to the hospital after we lost McKallister and drove all the way from Cedar to come be with us. They stayed and entertained Josh, helped us carry stuff down to the car, and brought us comfort through their happy spirits. The two of them seemed to know exactly what to say to us, exactly how to make us smile, and were so caring! Later they invited us to Tyler's grandparents cabin to get away from the world- I can never thank them enough for that weekend. I was still sore from just having a baby and they treated Josh and I so well- making us dinner, letting us relax, and everything that is included in the best get-away vacation. You two are an amazing family and we love you so much!! Thank you for allowing us to be your friends. :)

So today I find myself asking..."How could I have ever expected less than a PERFECT son, after naming him after two amazing men."

11 weeks 5 days down....My lifetime to go!

2008-09-17T21:32:00.000-07:00

Josh and I have successfully gotten through almost 12 weeks without my perfect little son and I realized that I am finally starting to come out of the worst part of it. We received the autopsy results back- which I was extremely nervous for and I find myself relieved with what they determined. I guess what most everyone was interested in was the results-

"Autopsy examination revealed the cause of death to be an umbilical cord accident. Specifically, the umbilical cord was excessively long and, consistent with the clinical history of a tight nuchal cord, there was a prominent ligature mark on the neck. In addition there was significant cerebrovascular congestion and hemorrhage, secondary to vascular obstruction from the nuchal cord, and systemic evidence of fetal stress."

I, however, found myself more interested in reading the details...McKallister was perfect! He was in the 99th percentile for weight, his heart was the exact weight it was supposed to be (18.8 g), his lungs were fully developed, his feet were big, and his eyes were the perfect measurement apart. I was amazed and relieved that not only was he so perfect in spirit but there was not a flaw in his perfect little body. I am so proud of him! I think that everyone has that oppurtunity to be proud of their kids first step, the first time they say mom, or that first day of kindergarten...I will never get those same experiences with Mac but I do get different experiences that I am equally proud of.

I am terrified to get pregnant again- I'm not gonna to lie- but I have felt more peace and have gained a knowledge that there is a plan for everyone and God knows what he is doing more than I can ever understand. I still cry every day, still have nighmares, and still wish with all my heart I could just be a Mom but I also sang in the car for the first time in 11 weeks the other day, and laughed so hard I cried last week. My heart aches, and hurts 24/7 but I am finally feeling strong enough to move on with some normal life! Yah!!

We get to go see a specialist to talk about the results with him next Tuesday- I hope that he can help us understand some of these super long terms!! Thank you all again for your love and support through all of this. I am such a lucky person to have the family and friends that I have. I love you all!!

Tagged by TJ

2008-08-26T21:00:00.000-07:00

I got tagged by tj a little while ago but haven't gotten around to doing it so I finally decided I would sit down and share my 3 joys, fears, goals, current obsessions, and random facts...

3 Joys

-Josh just happens to be the love of my life. In case anyone didn't notice! :) He's been my best friend since the day I met him and I wouldn't trade him for anything in the whole entire world! He definitely has to be my greatest Joy here on this earth...and that leads me to my next joy--

-McKallister! I enjoy looking at pictures of him, listening to others memories of him, dreaming of him, think about every single moment I had with him, and visiting his grave.

-Flowers and mushrooms... :) if anyone hasn't read my mom's post you gotta check it out- she claims I hate the mushrooms on Mac's grave but I secretly enjoy having something that I need to take care of.

3 Fears

-Well right now all of my fears kinda reflect off of what happened 9 weeks ago....I'm going to lump them into one large fear because everything else that used to scare me in my life seems like nothing now! I have a fear of not being able to get pregnant again, losing another precious child, losing my husband or a family member I love, becoming a wreck when josh leaves for baseball trips (he is currently the only thing keeping me going right now), or forgetting what I have learned from McKallister.

3 Goals

-scrapbook every memory I have of Mac (and if anyone knows how very crafty I am -those last three words should be read as sarcastically as you can- they will know how hard this goal will be for me)

- Learn how to cook just one good meal for Josh without burning, mixing in a wrong ingredient, leaving an ingredient out, oblonging it (that one is for tj) or taking over 2 hours to finally finish it.

- Exercise on a regular basis and get in shape!

3 Current obsessions

- Hanging out with family members

- Visiting Mac's grave

- Ice Cream and lemonade (not together of course but I didn't just want to say food! :) )

3 Random Facts

-I ate gushers for breakfast lunch and dinner the first 3 months I was pregnant

- I pass out every time I see my own blood but other peoples doesn't seem to effect me in the slightest

- I can out-run my Husband!! :) love you babe...

Grandpa and Josh

2008-08-22T18:46:00.000-07:00

This is my Mom's Dad- Grandpa Scott. He is one of the greatest people I know and I love him so much! He's always treated me exactly how a Grandpa should treat a Granddaughter and I am so impressed with the way that he treats Josh. Josh and him just clicked when we got married and I am so lucky that they have such a strong relationship. Yesterday we were able to have dinner with him and Grandma (who is also just as amazing) and afterwards Grandpa taught Josh how to use a lathe? I don't even know if that's how you spell it, let alone what it does. Anyways Josh did an amazing job and hasn't finished his project but got very far on it. Josh is absolutely in LOVE with Grandpa's shop that he built and all the cool tools that are in it- so thanks Grandpa for sharing!! We love you!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CALI LOU!!!!!

2008-08-17T23:32:00.000-07:00

The Things I Just LOVE About My Cali Lou

• I LOVE the way you love me.
• I LOVE how you always want me to be happy.
• I LOVE how happy you always are.
• I LOVE how beautiful you are.
• I LOVE your smile.
• I LOVE how you are with kids.
• I LOVE how you care for everyone.
• I LOVE how you care for me.
• I LOVE how you don’t mind the house being messy.
• I LOVE how you enjoy watching me play baseball.
• I LOVE how you enjoy just being with me.
• I LOVE how you snuggle up to me at nights.
• I LOVE that you talk in your sleep.
• I LOVE that you help me make right decisions.
• I LOVE that you still love me when I make poopy decisions.
• I LOVE that you enjoy being with yours and my family.
• I LOVE that you don’t care what we do together as long as we’re together.
• I LOVE the way you make me feel when we are together and when we're not.
• I LOVE how you help me with my homework.
• I LOVE how you will play basketball with me.
• I LOVE how you love to hang out with AL.
• I LOVE how AL loves you more than anyone else besides MUUMMMY.
• I LOVE how you want to be a MOM.
• I LOVE that you want to stay home and be a MOM.
• I LOVE that you love MAC, even though we haven’t heard him laugh or cry.
• I LOVE that you still cry and want to hold MAC.
• I LOVE that you understand where MAC is.
• I LOVE that you understand that we will see MAC again.
• I LOVE that you are excited about seeing and raising MAC later.
• I LOVE that you want to be an eternal family.
• I LOVE that you help me be worthy so we can be together forever.
• I LOVE that you want me by your side.
• I LOVE how you let me help you when times are tough.
• I LOVE that you are not afraid just to be you.
• I LOVE that you know who you are.
• AND CALI LOU, I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU AND AM SO GLAD I MARRIED YOU AND LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU AND WANT YOU TO HAVE A HAPPPPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!

Our last 3 weeks with McKallister

2008-08-11T20:43:00.000-07:00

So I've been having a hard time writing what I want to about this experience and so I just thought I'd share what we have been doing and how we have been handling everything. On the day that Mac would have been one month we got together with our family and had a little Birthday party for McKallister. We went up to his grave and had cupcakes and sang happy birthday, and then just played and hung out together. I have been so grateful for my families support and being so willing to come to things like this...it's helped me more then anything else.

The next Tuesday I decided I was ready to clean out his room...good thing for Mom's and Sister's! My sister being the photographer she is of course took pictures for me of things I had set up in Mac's room or items that he would have used. That was amazing for me and I am so glad that she has the talent she does. My Mom really did all the packing away for me. I just handed her clothes, toys, stuffed animals, picture frames, shoes, diapers, bath toys, etc. and she organized them and seperated them into boxes. After she was done with that I decided that I just couldn't part with taking the crib down or the changing table so that is still set up in his room. I didn't think it would be hard to pack everything up because he hadn't used any of it yet...but I guess I never realized how much I visualized how everything would have been. I imagined myself changing him at night into cute little pj's with his baseball lamp turned on, or trying to make him smile in his crib with a little stuffed animal. I even imagined changing all those poopy diapers and honestly miss the chance to do that...

My family and friends in the last month and a half not only showed their love through staying up for countless hours to comfort Josh and I, traveling miles to see a nephew and cousin, delivering flowers to brighten up my room and mood, created a blog in memory of Mac, offered blessings of comfort, made blankets for me and McKallister to share, allowed me to share in the sealing of their son, entertaining me while Josh is at work, babysitting Alex so my Mom and Dad could be with me in my time of need, visit Mac’s grave, take off work to be with us, smiled and laughed when I didn’t know there was anything good in this world but they were there for us no matter what it cost them, they were our friends, they lent a listening ear, prayed for us, and think of McKallister as family.

Even though I never saw Mac alive I felt like we were best of friends and I know so much about him. I wanted to share some of the things that I remember about Mac so that you can see not only pictures but the kid behind the pictures…

Mac always had the hiccups and did not like them! He was playful- he was always moving, kicking, and rolling around, he even played pick- a-boo with us at the first ultrasound! He was terrified of zerbits (ya know, when someone blows a raspberry on your stomach to make a toot sound) whenever someone would zerbit one side of my tummy he would try to “escape” out the other side. He loved warm showers. Whenever my front would be facing the shower my stomach would be all out in front and huge, when I’d put my back in the shower I could feel him move to my back and my stomach would shrink down like there wasn’t anyone in there. If I laid on my side he would lay on the couch or bed too so that my side not touching the couch or bed was completely flat and he didn’t like when I laid on my back and would kick my spine every time I did. I will cherish and remember every trait he had while he was alive because those are the only memories I will ever have of his movements.

I find myself fighting to get past every week, day, minute, hour and second without my little one. I have faced every emotion, whether it is anger, overwhelmed, frustration, sadness, confusion, loneliness, scared, wanting, emptiness, patience, comfort, loved, hated, happiness and heartache. I still have an empty feeling every day and struggle that I will never know what it feels like to comfort my baby at night, play in the sunshine with him, kiss his chubby cheeks every day, or get him in and out of the car. It kills me to have never felt his big ol’ hands hold my finger tight, see his eyes look at mine, hear his baby cry and laugh, and I will never be able to see him smile at me. When the day ends I realize that I feel so alone and lost without Mac. I find myself promising Heavenly Father that I will be a good Mother and that I will try my best to raise my kids in the gospel and pray He will send me another little one that I can keep for this short time on earth. I beg Him to help me get past this trial and learn all that I can from it and to help me stay positive. I plead with him to help me get through one day without feeling scared and alone. But after all of those feelings I feel comfort, peace, love, and even though I miss my McKallister more then I can possibly explain I feel a small peaceful feeling. I will never be able to hold Mac again but I will always be able to feel his tender love surround me.

During this past month I faced something that I never even imagined. I questioned, I withheld, I screamed, I sat in silence, I searched for an explanation, I wished, I cry…no sob, but in the end I have learned how to love stronger, I have gained a knowledge of the atonement, I have learned how to pray from my heart, I realize that I have the honor of being with my family for eternity. I have built a foundation to qualities such as patience, faith, fortitude, and humility. I have studied the prophet’s teachings, scriptures, and talks more deeply. This has been an experience that I will never forget and even though I wish with all of my heart that it didn’t happen, I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I LOVE McKallister more than I ever imagined I could love someone and He taught me so much about family. I owe my little guy everything and am so glad that he is happy.

We got the preliminary results back from the Dr. at my 6 week appointment and learned that he had an ebrasion on the left side of his neck. From those results they would assume it was a cord accident. His umbilical cord was also 82 cm long when they are normally 60 cm so that would help support that theory. I have not gotten every detail from the autopsy back yet, I should get them back shortly. I think that I would be ok if it was a cord accident because that is not something that my body did or that my health did...I'll be sure to update everyone once we know the cause of death for sure.

Thank you everyone for your prayers and comments on or blog. Thank you every family member that has "put up with us" the last month and a half and for all of the generous things each of you has done for us. Thank you everyone who offered a smile or a hug when I was feeling down and I just want to say a big thanks to Josh...I honestly have to say that Josh has been my biggest support system and I am so glad that he has been willing to stay up with me at nights, or be the shoulder I cry on. He has cheered me up when I thought I was as low as it got and never stopped loving me. I am so glad that I married him and that he is the man he is. Basically THANK YOU to everyone that has been my friend during this time...you are all amazing and have helped Mac fulfill his mission and for that I owe you all so much.

Sorry this is such a long post and that I just kind of ramble...I'm not so good at composing my thoughts and creating even a sentence that makes sense! :) Thanks again and you'll be hearing from me shortly!

CaLiFoRnIa WiTh My HuBbY!!

2008-08-11T20:30:00.001-07:00

Josh and I went to California two weeks ago and it was amazing!!! I really felt like we needed a trip alone and it was so good to finally be with him and not have to worry about anything else but each other. I haven't really been focused on him or our relationship as much as I would have liked to the last little while and so this trip was exactly what we needed.

We went to Disneyland the first day and of course I loved going on every ride with Josh because of his cute girl laugh and his little yelp- I wish everyone could take Josh on rides like that because he made them 10 times more fun!! Then California Adventure the next day, which is kinda like Lagoon in our opinions but bigger and crazier! Super fun. On Wednesday we woke up early and got to play at the beach and then go to an Angels game! The Angels stadium was amazing and it was an extra plus that I got to sit with Josh during a game!! I am such a huge fan of the beach that it probably was my favorite. I love the huge waves and warm sand under your feet.

Thanks Josh for spending so much time with me and always being there for me!

McKallister's Funeral Slideshow

2008-07-17T17:25:00.000-07:00

The slideshow of Mac's funeral has finally been posted to his blog. You can click here to view it (the slideshow is towards the bottom of the blog).

I also just wanted to let you know that Josh and Cali are doing well. Every day is still very challenging for them. They say that some days are harder than others, but they are enduring each day like champions. Although their emotions are still too tender to get on here and update this blog themselves, they have been reading every comment left for them on this blog and Mac's blog and are deeply touched and comforted by each one. You will honestly never know how much your words of comfort and encouragement have come to mean to them. Please keep it coming their way. They told me they could have never faced this difficult experience without the strength and love they have felt and continue to feel from each of you and they thank you from the bottom of their hearts.

As sad as this experience has been for them, they are grateful for it. They have come to understand that Mac's mission here on earth was to bring people to Christ. They hope you will continue to help Mac fulfill his mission by sharing his blog/story with others. They love you and sincerely thank you. Please continue to send love their way. ~Erin

Mac's Funeral

2008-07-09T22:37:00.000-07:00

Last Wednesday, July 2nd, Mac was laid to rest. It was a very emotional day for everyone involved-- especially Josh and Cali. Prior to the grave side service, our families had the chance to spend one last time with little Mac. He looked so peaceful and absolutely beautiful! Cali had the special privilege of dressing him in his little white outfit before his precious body was placed in his little casket. The grave side service was unforgettable and was attended by hundreds of people, many of which did not know Josh and Cali but had been touched by their story. The service ended with the beautiful release of hundreds of red, orange, and yellow balloons. I will hold off on sharing more of the details here because they will be posted shortly on Mac's blog in addition to a video slideshow of funeral pictures I'm still in the process of gathering.

The amount of love and support Josh and Cali have received through this experience has been overwhelming! The prayers, emails, comments, financial donation's, cards, letters, gifts, visitors, meals, phone calls, and flowers have meant more to them than you will ever know. Thank you for your thoughtfulness, love, and generosity. ~Erin

Baby Mac's Blog

2008-06-29T00:58:00.000-07:00

A blog in memory of baby Mac has been set up! There is a video on there that we would like to share with each of you that tells the story of his short life. Please click here to link to his blog.

Funeral Information

2008-06-29T00:00:00.000-07:00

Baby Mac's grave side service will be held on Wednesday, July 2nd at Larkin Sunset Gardens located at 1950 East 106th South in Sandy at 11:00 am.

Josh and Cali would like to invite anyone that would like to celebrate Mac's life to attend. If you plan to attend, we ask that you bring a yellow, red, or orange balloon to be let off at a certain point during the ceremony. If you cannot attend because of distance and would still like to take part in remembering little Mac, you can let off a balloon from your location at 11:30 am.

Please contact Natalie (Cali's mom) at 450-9167 or natmaughan@comcast.net if you have any questions. ~Erin

Hinckley Family Memorial Fund

2008-06-27T15:30:00.000-07:00

A memorial fund has been generously set up at Wells Fargo Bank in behalf of Josh and Cali. Please click here for more information as to donating. Thank you so much. ~Erin

Sweet Baby Mac

2008-06-27T07:14:00.000-07:00

McKallister Vance Hinckley (Mac) was born this morning at 5:53 am. Cali was in labor a total of about 14 hours and pushed for the last two. She and Josh both did amazing!

Mac weighed 7 lbs. 15 oz. and was 22 inches long. He is absolutely beautiful!!! He has great big hands and Josh's crooked ear.

As we spent time with baby Mac this morning the feeling in the room was incredible. An amazing amount of peace and comfort rested upon everyone present. We could feel that God was with us and that he loves Josh, Cali and Mac so much. We were all in tears as we took turns holding Mac and spending the short time we had with his little earthly body. All in the room could feel that Mac's spirit, although not in his body, was very much with us.

Mac came to this earth to receive a body and in receiving that body, has brought our families closer to Christ and to each other. We love our Savior and are so grateful that He has made it possible for us to live as eternal families someday. I believe the effect Mac's short life will have on our family will stretch far beyond today. We love you little Mac!

Josh and Cali seem to be handling this incredibly well. Although very hard, they seem very at peace with the situation. They are so strong and we love them so much!!!

Thank you to each of you for the love and support you have been showing to Josh and Cali. I know it means a lot to them during this difficult time. I will continue to update this blog with information until they are feeling up to it. I am also in the process of setting up a blog dedicated to little Mac and will post the link as soon as possible.

With Much Thanks and Love,

Erin (Josh's big sister)

P.S. A Baby Mac memorial fund is in the process of being set up at Wells Fargo Bank by Kimberly Moore. I will post more information about it as soon as I get it. If you are interested in donating to it, please contact Kimberly at kimoore24@gmail.com. Thank you so much!

2008-06-26T20:23:00.000-07:00

This is Josh's sister Erin. It breaks my heart to have to share this with you but Josh and Cali have asked that I update you on their situation:

This morning they went in for another stress test on baby Mac. Sadly, the doctor's were unable to find a heartbeat. Cali said that she could feel him kicking and moving last night and that he even had the hiccups, so his passing must have occured sometime during the night. They are absolutely heartbroken, as we all are, but they are in good spirits and are doing as well as can be expected.

Cali has been induced and has started having contractions. They have given her an epidural and expect baby Mac to arrive sometime during the night or early morning.

After Mac has been born, they will allow the family to spend six hours with him. After that, they will take his body to be autopsied (to find out what caused his death) and then they will prepare his little body for burial. They expect to have his funeral service on Monday or Tuesday sometime.

We visited the hospital twice today to see them and both times there was a very strong feeling of peace there with them. We know that Heavenly Father loves them and is watching over them during this difficult time. We are grateful as a family for the knowledge we have of the plan of salvation. We know we will see baby Mac again.

We love you baby Mac!

Please keep Josh and Cali in your thoughts and prayers.

Baby update...

2008-06-22T13:54:00.001-07:00

I wanted to let everyone know how my last couple of appointments have gone and what is new in the life of Cali and Mac this week...My Dr. is out of town this week so I've been going to someone else in his office- Jo Cluney. On Monday I met with her and had really bad swelling (not more then usual) and high blood pressure, when she checked the baby he hadn't seemed to have grown over the last week so she scheduled a stress test. I went in for that on Thursday and they think I may be leaking amniotic fluid but Mac's heart rate seemed really good and responsive.

I then went back to my Dr. on Friday to evaluate my test and learned that I have developed preeclampsia, which means my blood flow to the placenta has decreased. This can be a huge concern so she put me on bed rest... I go back in on Monday (tomorrow) to make sure I haven't leeked more amniotic fluid and then go again on Tuesday to meet with my Dr. (he'll be back in town by then) so for now it's just a waiting game to see if any of the conditions have become worse and see what needs to be done from there! I'll try to keep everyone updated, but thanks to everyone for your love and concern!!!

My Handy Man Husband...And Alex :)

2008-06-17T18:16:00.001-07:00

My Parents have these really awkward posts in the front of their house that my Mom wanted to get rid of but they are holding up the house so that wasn't really an option! :) Josh decided to "wrap" them (that's definitely a boy term and I still have no idea what it means...) but now that they are done they look AMAZING!!! Alex would not leave Josh's side while he was doing this and was totally impressed that Josh new how to use a nail gun and that he was willing to let him help. I was so proud of Josh and his excitment to help my rents. Thanks babe for always being so handy and using your talent to help everyone!

SuMmEr fUN!!!!

2008-06-10T18:54:00.001-07:00

Of course we played one good game of baseball...

food...

Food...

And More FOOD!

Girls idea of fun...

Then there are the boys!!!

TJ finally graduated!! Something none of us thought would be done... :) No but seriuosly we are all very proud of her and her efforts during the last couple of years. Between choir and art classes she has kept busy but school is now over and she's got her whole life ahead of her! We had a family get together to celebrate and had a blast. Great grandma Mingo came (she's huddled up in a blanket in the first pic), both sets of grandparents, some of my aunts and uncles, a couple cousins and of course the boyfriend Brandon. It was so much fun!! Now if the weather would only heat up so we would don't have to use blankets and in jackets at the beginning of JUNE!!!

UpDatE oN LifE

2008-05-18T14:16:00.000-07:00

Wow it has been a while since I updated our blog- sorry to everyone that has been checking it regularly...I'm sure that has been a bit frustrating! Josh has been out of town so much and when he is gone I don't have a computer to even check everyone else's, let alone update ours. Well baseball season ended yesterday with UVSC finishing with a win against Hawaii! Josh is still in Hawaii just playing on the beach, eating out, getting tan, and loving life while I've been working hard and getting bigger every day! :) I plan on keeping every one updated from here on out now that I will have a computer and Husband at home with me!! I've only got 6 weeks left to go so am getting nervous but am so excited to see Josh as a Dad...(He's bought more stuff for baby Mac then I have!!) My feet have started to swell really bad and I'm retaining water like crazy but the Dr. does not seem nervous at all...You ladies that have been prego know how hard it is to sleep so I have been up watching more movies late at night then I did even when I was in high school!! But other then that nothing is new in this Hinckley family. Thanks to everyone for their love and support while Josh has been gone and for always checking up on his games- we love you all!

PS- We are set on naming our baby Mac however don't know what spelling to use- any suggestions/votes would be greatly appreciated!

McCallister, Mcallister, Macallister, McKallister, etc...Thanks!!

UVSC's 5K walk/run

2008-03-31T12:09:00.000-07:00

Josh was in charge of putting together a fundraiser for the UVSC athletics to put on as a service project for spring. He decided to work with the Kids on the Move program and set up a 5K walk/run!! He did such a good job and they had an amazing turn out! Everyone had fun, and the athletes definitely put on a great show. Thanks to the Athletic Department for all the help that was given to Josh and good job Josh!!!

It was hosted on Saturday morning at 8 am! Josh had to be there early and so i decided to go with him...I will never wake up at 5 on a Saturday morning again!! I am not a morning person so that about killed me over, but once we got going it was so fun. My mom and little brother Alex came from my family and we ended up walking with Mike and Zack (brother in laws) and Josh's dad. We had alex in a wagon and Mike and Zack did amazing at helping us pull him up the hills!! I was a little sore afterwards but nothing to serious for being 6 months prego! I'm really glad that I went...Zack was the main sponsor and donated so much to help out with this- you can check out his website at http://huskiezlandscaping.com/ and check out some pictures of the 5K under the recent events...

Babies First EASTER-well sort of?...

2008-03-26T17:24:00.000-07:00

Ok for those of you that know my sister TJ this will not come as a suprise...She is the most talented, spacey, artist I have ever met! :) Taylor gets this idea in her head about something she is going to do and there is no stopping her. Last Saturday I was spending time with my family while Josh was out of town and Taylor got this brilliant idea- watch the slide show and see!...That's right- she painted my stomach. It was really fun and now she can add something new to her portfolio! thanks for the good times tay!!

First HOMERUN of the season!!!

2008-03-24T11:57:00.000-07:00

Josh spent the week in Washington playing Gonzaga, Washington state, and Portland...7 games in 6 days!! Man it was hard week but Josh did really well! Some highlights of the week were- two hits and an RBI in one game against Gonzaga and a single and HOMERUN in one game against Washington!!! WHOO HOO JOSHUA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and all this time he was supportive, uplifting, comforting, understanding of pregnancy hormones, and loving to me! I'm so glad to have him as a husband and am so proud of all that he is accomplishing right now. Good job josh and good luck on Tuesday! I LOVE YOU!!!

Family Support at the BYU game

2008-03-21T22:35:00.000-07:00

Josh had a game at BYU last week and I haven't had time to post anything about it yet! Man life gets busy!! I was so glad to see all the support he got from our family. His Dad was able to make it down, Brother Zack, his wife Heather and their two kids, His sister Taylor, His brother in law mike and his son Bryson, and his siter Rachel and her husband Randy and their son Brock! Quite the turn out...Josh had one at bat at the end of the game and just missed a home run, one-out double off the wall in center and started a rally!! They ended up still losing by one run but Josh did so amazing!!! Thank you everyone that came! We love you lots and I know that your support means the world to Josh.

St. George Baseball

2008-03-08T16:53:00.000-08:00

Josh played against SUU and Dixie from February 28th through March 3rd. I wasn't able to make it for the Thursday or Friday game because of work but was able to go to St. George early Saturday morning and catch Saturday, Sunday's and Monday's game!! Josh's little sister Taylor and her fiance were also up there so it was nice having someone to hang out with all weekend when Josh couldn't be with me. Taylor got some really good pictures from the game so I thought I'd share them with all of you! I loved being able to see Josh for those three days- with his traveling this year that's the longest span I've seen him since baseball season started!! Josh is hitting really well and even seems to be running faster then last year :). I'm so proud of him for missing all this school and still being able to pull A's in most of his classes. WAY TO GO JOSH!!!

Playing Ball in Berkeley California

2008-02-24T17:47:00.000-08:00

Feb. 23, 2008

BERKELEY, California - The finale of a Saturday doubleheader ended in a tie, due to darkness, between Utah Valley and Pac-10 California on Saturday. Cal won the opening game on a rain filled Northern California day, 12-1.

It's the first tie that the Wolverines (0-3-1) have been involved in in five seasons at the NCAA Division I level.

After Cal (2-0-1) jumped out to a 1-0 lead in the bottom of the first, Utah Valley pushed six runs across the plate in the top of the third to take its first lead. Scott Croshaw
reached on an error but drove in AJ Palmer to tie the game at one. Jace Brinkerhoff followed Croshaw with a single to score Ryan Jones and give UV the lead.
Adam Openshaw then doubled, scoring both Croshaw and Brinkerhoff before freshman Kai Hatch tripled him home and then scored on an RBI single by Josh Hinckley.
The Bears got within one with a single run in the fourth and three runs in the sixth on a David Cooper three-run blast. Jones then singled home Palmer in the eighth to put the Wolverines up 7-5.

But Cal answered in the bottom of the eighth when Josh Satin matched Cooper's home runs with a three-run shot of his own, giving the Bears an 8-7 lead.
Hatch doubled to lead off the top of the ninth for Utah Valley and eventually scored the tying run when AJ Palmer walked with the bases loaded.
Brinkerhoff took the mound for UV in the bottom of the ninth and after a one-out walk, got out of the inning before the game ended in a draw.

Jones went 3-for-6 on the day while Hatch had two hits in just his second collegiate start.
Aaron Brady threw eight inning and gave up eight runs on 10 hits in the no-decision.
In the opening game, took an early lead on solo home runs from Cooper and Brett Jackson.
Jones doubled home Cole Anderson in the third to cut the lead in half before the Bears added two more runs in the fourth before breaking the game wide open with an eight-run seventh.
Jones had two hits in the opening game while Dan Christensen took the loss on the mound.

Josh said it was freezing cold and very rainy in California the day they played this game. They were all soaked to the bone so were excited to come home! They played well these first couple of games and can only get better!! Good Job Joshua!!!

Josh's first games against Santa Clara

2008-02-23T16:45:00.000-08:00

Josh Hinckley is currently a Junior playing 1B and DH at UVU. This 6-6, 220 pound stud played his first game of 2008 and did amazing!! Here's what is posted on UVU's site. If anyone wants to see stats and Josh's profile go to www.uvsc.edu and then to their athletic page.

Feb. 22, 2008
SANTA CLARA, Calif. - Utah Valley Baseball dropped a doubleheader at Santa Clara to open the baseball season, 12-2 and 7-2, on Friday in Northern California.

Marcus Moore took the loss in the opening game while freshman Peter Sundwall suffered the defeat in the second game. Game two starter Bryan Smith had a solid day, giving up two runs on three hits and striking out five in six innings of work.

Ryan Jones and Jace Brinkerhoff both totaled three hits on the day to lead Utah Valley. Both players had two hits in the opener.
In the second game, Utah Valley was hitless until the top of the 7th, when Jones singled and Brinkerhoff followed with a double. Adam Openshaw drove in Jones on a sacrifice fly to center before Josh Hinckley doubled home Brinkerhoff to tie the game at two.
After Sundwall retired SCU in order in the seventh, the Broncos plated five runs in the bottom of the eighth for the final 7-2 tally.

WHOO HOO JOSH!!!!!!

bAsEbAlL sEaSoN iS HeRe!!!!

2008-02-16T20:44:00.000-08:00

My Favorite Things About Baseball!

MySexy Man In a Baseball Uniform...
Playing in the dirt...

The Stance... Grrrr!

Hittin Home Runs... Eating a Hot Dog...

Winnin a UVU Shirt...
The Team....
Chilling in the Dug Out...
And winning a game!

Josh's season starts this week- the traveling, the games, the crowds, the road trips...I am so excited to be able to watch his games and am so proud of him for going to school, playing ball, and still finding time for me! I want him to know how amazing I think he is and will always support him. Thanks for being such a stud Joshua Hinckley!!

It's a BOY!!!

2008-02-13T21:20:00.000-08:00

Josh and I had our Ultrasound set up for February 26th but my Mom has an amazing friend that does Ultrasounds. She said that she would do one for us that family members could come see so of course we took her up on it!! We had my Mom, TJ, and Kierra from my family and then Josh's Mom, Erin, Rachel, and Taylor all there! This was one of the first shots we got- once determining that I was having a baby (and not just a build up of cellulite, as my little sister would say) and found out that it was a BOY!!!! Man are Josh and I excited- now we getta go shopping! :) Thanks to everyone that came- I was so glad to share that with all of you!!

The Hinckley Family

2008-02-13T21:04:00.000-08:00

Josh's Family is a little bit bigger then mine which makes it that much more fun!

Bottom left: Older brother Zach and his Wife Heather, their two kids Chazz and Zyan. Josh's Mom and Dad, Michelle and Jake (Older Brother), and their son Matani- they also had another adorable boy this past year- Kiki,

Top Left: Little Sister Taylor (Getting married this May!!), Mike and his wife Erin (Older Sister)- they adopted the cutest little boy Bryson in March, Josh and I, Older Sister Rachel and her husband Randy- they also adopted a definite keeper this year Brock, and Bethany and Ike (Older Brother)

The Maughan Family

2008-02-13T20:37:00.000-08:00

This is my side of the family! Of course there is Josh and I, then my older brother Colby (who is marrying Kierra Smith this March!!!), my little brother Alex, Sister Taylor (TJ), and my Mom and Dad. These guys are my BEST friends and support me and Josh no matter what we do!

Welcome to our blog!!

2008-02-11T19:52:00.000-08:00

Josh's older sister Erin started a blog for her family and I have been addicted to hers ever since! Once more of my friends and family created blogs of their own I decided to start one too and keep everyone updated on our little family and Josh's baseball career.