Spare time fun...

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My little Sister, Taylor, and I have been doing Birthday parties in our spare time. :) TJ is an amazing artist and so does the face paintings and I will do the others hair while they are waiting for their turn. It's a cute little way for them to feel pampered and we have both really had a fun time doing what we love! Thanks for all of our cousins for volunteering their friends to be our experiements. :)

What's new...

Ok so as you can see it's been two weeks since I last blogged- man did I have a lot to catch up on! There has been a ton going on with our little family so I'll do my best to update everyone...

Josh- Baseball Season...need I say more? Josh so far has traveled to Portland, Cedar City, and he is currently in Spokane for the next couple of days. They have had a series of home games, which I have loved to watch him play and have changed my work schedule around so I could try to be to all of them, which means a lot of tired days for me (working from 7:00-3:30 then watching baseball in the cold until 10 or 11 at night). Josh is doing really well this season considering everything that has happened in the last year and how clingy his wife is. :) Only 40 more games- or 2 months- left and Josh is officially done with college ball. I can not believe how fast it all went and don't know what I will do without baseball in our life. I'm proud of Josh because between baseball, family, church callings, traveling, and hanging out with me, he still finds time to do his school work and is kickin out some pretty good grades so far!

McKallister- Perfect kid. :) No but really, my little man would probably love watching baseball games by now and not know anything different then hanging out with Dad in a room full of stinky baseball players. But...since he is not here with us, I have some good news! I went in today and paid for Mac's headstone!!! It was a big step for me to go in there all by myself and I think I did really well. I was telling my little sister that Josh did most of the design on his headstone and I think that it's because that's the one thing that Josh can do for Mac and do to feel close to him. I love it even more because Josh picked out what he wanted on it and cared what happened with it.

Me- UVU Althetics has put on a 5K walk/run the past two years and that was this morning. Last year I was 6 months pregnant and walked the 5K but then this year I stuck with my Dad, Mom and Alex and Al and I would run for about 30 seconds and then we'd both be too tired and have to walk for 3 minutes. It was actually really fun and made me realize how bad I still need to get in shape. :) In May I am going to travel to Hawaii with the baseball team and Josh and I are going to stay a couple days extra with some of our friends and family- I'm so looking forward to that!! Other than that I am just working - I'm still working at Uppercase Living and loving it. :) And that's what's been up...

I'm going to try and post some pictures of what has been happening but it seems like every time I can get my hands on a computer, I don't have my camera and vice versa so wish me luck. :)

Mac feelings...

This week has been a real eye opener for me and I wanted to share some of my feelings with those of you that follow our blog or even read it occasionally. I haven’t really blogged about my Mac feelings for some time but this week was super eventful and really life changing for me.

For those of you that don’t know Josh plays baseball for UVU and their season started on Thursday (yah)! I didn’t realize until he left that right now he is my life line. I was a WRECK the first night I was alone and then was disappointed in myself because I thought I had come so far and felt like I went back a huge step. I didn’t realize how unstable I am when I’m alone because I haven’t been since Mac passed away. I never realized this but when I’m at work- I’m with my co-workers and friends, when I’m at home- Josh is there, during lunch- I’m normally at my Mom’s with her. I started watching and noticed that there are so many instances where I am on the verge of tears (or a major melt down :))and someone comes to my rescue without even knowing it. I had no idea how many times a night I still wake up with nightmares but with Josh there I just roll over to cuddle with him and fall back asleep. I didn’t realize how much I think about how empty my house is without a baby but then Josh will cheer me up somehow. And I had no idea how much I had planned on having Mac around when Josh left on his baseball trips- I had it all planned out in my head only to realize that I was alone that night.

I ended up staying at my parents house the next couple of nights because I couldn’t stand to be alone. I got to asking myself- am I really ready to have another baby? That has been my thought process for the last couple of days… Josh and I have been trying for over 6 months now to get pregnant again, 4 of those months we have done ovulation tests and I have been taking prenatal vitamins. I’ve been really discouraged and struggling a lot with the fact that we haven’t been able to. This week I realized that this whole time I have not wanted another baby- I want my baby…I want Mac. I thought that if I had another one it would “fix” me or I would feel better about it, but honestly I shouldn’t feel that way because no one else is going to heal my heart the way I wanted it too and I want the next kid to be just as special.

Monday a new Niece arrived into the Hinckley family- Zoey Lou Hinckley. It was an…emotional day for Josh and I because we were filled with excitement and love for this new little baby but it was so hard. Zoey was born in the same hospital that Mac was, so it was the same floor, the same waiting room, the same people. I was so caught up in the excitement waiting for Zoey to be born that I wasn’t paying attention to my surroundings until I saw the nurse that helped me through labor, Wendy. I told myself that there was no way she could remember us because of an experience I had with my Dr. so wasn’t going to go over and say hello, but Josh marched straight over. She turned to him and said, “I was wondering when you were going to come say hello, how is Cali”. She remembered me- and not only me but my name! I could tell by the way Josh reacted that it was safe for me to go over so I went over and gave her a huge hug- honestly I didn’t want to let go. This women stayed strong for me, tried to make jokes to keep us laughing, and was genuinely kind during labor.

When I walked in to the room to see Zoey my heart melted for that sweet little spirit and it was such a bitter sweet moment. The feeling between that day and June 27^th were so entirely different and yet I realized that they were both just as special. Zack and Heather were so happy and had such a strong spirit about them, Josh’s Mom was in the room with us and was so sensitive to our feelings and handed Zoey right over to me. Heather then turned to me and said that they had named her Zoey Lou in hopes that she would have some of the strength that I had. (Everyone in my family calls me Lou- parents, brothers, sister, Josh, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and all my close friends) I didn’t even know what to say- it was one of the greatest experiences for me to hear that and I was so touched!

I had this sick feeling about hospitals, Dr’s, having a baby that I needed to get over. Everything that happened this week pushed me a hundred steps closer to healing. I am so grateful that Zoey Lou has come in to our lives at this time to help me through all of this and for her parents who are amazing people and have helped me in a way they will never know. I am so glad that Josh is playing ball- no matter how hard it is- because it can only make me stronger. It’s amazing to me to know the friends and family that I do and their great support through all the hard times. So I guess at the end of the week, I'm just grateful for the additional trials that I go through even though I thought my "turn" for trials was over. Keep 'em coming because I am growing more and more with each one!! :)

Happy Valentines Day!!

Happy Valentines Day from the Hinckley's!!

Since our Anniversary is so close to Valentines day we just decided to spend the day together and made a trip to see Mac. There was already a heart plate and his windmills when we got there (and the pine cones of course). My parents had taken him a balloon and left a magic marker there for everyone to write on but we think they must have blown away because they weren't there when we showed up.

Josh won't let me take flowers up to Mac because "boys don't like flowers, they like hot wheel cars" but I like them so much, so we compromised- flower petals. I'm sure he would love sticking them in his mouth at this age!! And I couldn't pass up that cute stuffed animal and since it was on sale Josh let me get it. Maybe for St. Patty's day he'll get a car. :)

Anniversary #2

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Today Josh and I are celebrating or second anniversary! I can not believe that we have been married for 2 years...man how time flies. I just put together some of the pictures that I had easy access to (that were on the computer)to share what we have done over the past 2 years. I think that through it all we have learned the true meaning of family and friendship, we will forever have something and someone special between us, it's been a blast, and I have LOVED every minute of it....

P.S. You'll have to stop the music at the bottom to watch this. :)

Quote...

President Dwight Eisenhower once said, "There is no tragedy in life like the death of a child, things never get back to the way they were."

I still can not decide if they don't get back to the way they were for the worst, or the better. Recently I've come to the conclusion that it's both. On one side of the spectrum, I've learned more from this experience than I have through anything else in my entire life, however, on the other side- I'm always torn up inside.

I've tried so many things to help myself get on in the every day world, to stop the nightmares, to feel better about yet another month without a kid, to stop crying every day, so this month I tried something else...I haven't been to Mac's grave since the beginning of January. Before I hadn't even missed 2 days, and I thought it might help....it didn't.

Our newest family members!

I have been asking Josh for a pet because I really felt like I needed something to cuddle with. A puppy, kitten, anything that I can hold and take care of. Well we live in a basement apartment so pets are not allowed. :( So Josh comprimised and for Christmas he got me something that I could take care of- Introducing....Float, Flotsam, and Jetsam!!!!!

Float is my fish, Flotsam is the fatter frog sitting closer to float and Jetsam is the skinny guy at the top. Aren't they so cute?! (My sister, Taylor, helped Josh with picking everything out! Thanks TJ!)

Josh picked out the cutest little tank that has rocks in the center and then vinyl that goes up the back and along the bottom. It's all white around the outside and so cute! I was totally impressed that he would pick out such a cute tank! :) I love you Josh and thanks again.