Get to

A man by the name of Frank lives by two simple words. These words have been my past month and a half, even though I didn't realize it until I heard them. I know when you experience life changing moments, you live differently for a time. I hope I can always live my life around these two words as it has made me happier than I could realize- even being hospitalized, bed ridden, sore, sad, hurt, and scared.

Get to.

They remind us to be grateful for everything. "Instead of saying, 'I have to go to work today', Frank tells himself, 'I get to go to work'. Instead of saying, 'I have to get groceries,' he gets to. Instead of saying, 'I have to take the kids to baseball practice,' he gets to. It works for everything". I have done this most with small tasks that are harder for me than I think they should be. I get to. And aside from the smaller things- I get to watch Oak grow up. I get to be a mom and all that comes with it, cleaning, cooking, laundry, taking the kids to practice, shopping for them. I get to teach Oakland how to pray, serve, love. I get to have two perfect little boys...I get to adopt.

Every day I'm getting stronger. I don't sleep as much, I get to help Oakland with a few things throughout the day and even have done some laundry by myself. I know they seem so small but to me they are huge steps. Josh and I have "story time" each night because I am so curious about everything. When did people arrive at our house- police chief, paramedics, air med, our Bishop, his wife who took Oakland for us- what was Oakland's reaction, who did he call first after 911, how he made the decisions he did, who spent the most time with him at the hospital, was he scared... The more I learn, the more I realize how close I was to not coming back. A lot of people know more about the situation than I do, I simply don't remember. From being sedated, maybe. Maybe from being protected as most things you would not want to remember. My body went through a lot.

I got a miracle. And I'm not wasting a minute of it.

My life...forever changed.

Josh turned to me the other day on the ride home from one of my hospital visits and just started laughing! I asked him what was so funny and he said, "You are not even supposed to be alive right now and here you are, holding my hand..."

I don't quite know how to put in to words what has been going on the last month. I feel a whole bunch of emotions that I don't know how to place, I'm still focused on my physical health, I'm worried about everyone around me, and I still don't have a great memory of the events that happened. I remember Saturday night at the lake with my family and then dinner that night with Josh and Oakland, after that I couldn't say what happened until around Thursday. And even then, it's foggy. Everyone says that is a good thing- that I don't remember- but it's frustrating. I have a hard time watching my family re-live it. I wish I could take those memories away from them.

I watch Josh talk about everything and wonder how I got so lucky as to have him and the respect I feel for him. He literally saved my life and then was there with me during every hard moment I had to face from there on out. My parents dropped everything they had going on to be with me at the hospital, to make sure I wasn't scared, to talk to me, to help me. I think of family that watched Oakland, checked in on Josh and I. Neighbors that made meals, everyone that helped out with the yardsale, cards we received, flowers, things to cheer me up and make my hospital stay so much better. Prayers, fasting, blessings, service... all I can do is cry. Out of thankfulness, out of loving admiration, how I will always cherish those people.

My past few weeks have been filled with words like; amniotic embolism, cardiac arrest, flat line, blood clots, loss, transfusions, surgeries, IV's, cat scans, x-rays, ultrasounds, ICU, oxygen, medication, blood work, healing, scared, seizures, unstable, needles, life flight, nurses, doctors, emergency, physical therapy, bruises, and hurt.

They have now turned in to; miracles, blessing, prayers, love, affection, unforgetable, appreciation, fondness, respect, friendship, tenderness, family, memories, caring, help, support, cherish, adore, eternity, consideration, unselfishness, service, trust, the spirit, sacrifice, and commitment.

I still have such a long way to go, both physical recovery and emotionally. I miss Quincy, Mac, not being able to have anymore children. I want them both so bad. I want to have a baby to hold and love. I'm scared of what the future will bring. But then I think of all my friends and family and know I can do it. If Josh and Oakland can be as strong as they have been through all of this, I can pull through. I'm not saying it won't be tough. But I have the greatest little family. I'm so in love with Josh. I think the world of Oakland. I'm crazy about my two little boys. So... somehow I know we'll get through. While Josh was in awe over me being alive, able to hold his hand- I'm just grateful that I have the priviledge to live another day, watch Oakland grow up, be able to kiss Josh anytime I want. My outlook on life has forever been changed. I hope I can make it for the good.

Fundraiser Yard Sale

Come show your love and support for Josh & Cali by donating items and/or coming to this yard sale.
Visit www.utahmillers.com for more info.

Prayers Needed

This is Josh's sister. Cali is not doing well. I've posted about it on my blog here and we ask for your prayers on her and her baby's behalf.

It is a...

BOY!!!!

This is the picture from his 15 week ultrasound, because todays was a very in depth ultrasound so you could see bones, kidneys, etc. and his... other part is a little bit harder to see. :) But he's definitely a HE!

Oakland has been super happy to have a brother, Josh is completely excited. I have to be honest... and don't get me wrong, I'm really happy. I am just a little anxious. My little man intimidates me. My sister in law explained it really good, I'm nervous to hold another little boy. One that is not Mac. And it's all really familiar, having a boy....

So the full anatomy ultrasound went really well, the pool of blood wasn't there any longer. They measure every inch of him- bones, brain, distance between eyes. Looked at his heart, stomach, kidney... all of it. They then looked at my uteras, amount of amniotic fluid, and everything looks amazing. And not just amazing for me- but things are looking up. I'm 18 weeks and 1 day pregnant and he was actually measuring 19 weeks and 2 days, but they won't move my due date until he's measured that way a few times. I had a few contractions while they were doing the ultrasound but nothing I could feel and they didn't seem worried- just told me to watch it.

So unless there are more complications, then I'll have another appointment in 4 weeks. I can already feel him kick, but only when I'm sitting really still and no one else can feel it yet. We need help deciding on names- and we better hurry or my Mom and Oakland will continue to call him Carl! Thoughts?
 

124 days down, 156 left…

Tomorrow I will be officially 18 weeks pregnant and 2 weeks blood free! I started my blood thinner this past week and so far things are going really well… besides the fact that I’m a complete nut case and check the baby’s heart beat at least 4 times a day (and I will not disclose how many times I normally do). :) Sorry I waited so long to update- I have turned in to a pessimist so kept thinking the “no blood” was “the calm before the storm”. No honestly, I’ve had some great support from Josh who has tried to keep me busy and have just been trying to relax and not stress myself out. Josh and I decided that I needed to cut back on my full time job so I resigned as the call center manager (here’s the posting in case anyone is interested! http://www.ksl.com/jobs/listing/89873/8) and am going to only be working 2 days a week once I can get someone trained for my position. 

I have my 18 week appointment on Friday that I’m hoping to learn more about the pool of blood they found in the last ultra sound and will actually also meet with my maternal fetal medicine doctor to ensure things in that realm are going well. We found out 3 weeks ago the gender of our baby, but since I was only 15 weeks I’ll wait until Friday to ensure nothing grew or fell off… any guesses? :)

I keep wondering/wanting to know when I’ll understand what I need to learn from these trials right this second. I have learned that most women have scary moments, trouble, or anxiety during pregnancy. Not a lot just go 100% smooth. I’m also still very grateful that I can have kids but am more grateful to those in my life that are unable to, but still seem to be my biggest support- sometimes without knowing it. But besides those, here is a list of things that have changed my family and I during all of this.

11.    Oakland will be a Doctor as she knows more about giving/comforting during a shot than any nurse I've met and checks her sibling’s heartbeat more than I do!

22.   Family means more than the world to me. I found myself willing to give up my health, strength, comfort, anything to protect this little one.

33.   I need to focus more on my family that I have here. I terrified Oakland, and she aged 20 years just to help me, comfort me, and make sure I was happy daily.

44.    I have some exceptional friends and family members.

55.    And “… dark times and trials are important. Trials show us the beauty of God’s comfort. It’s through the comfort we receive from God during our difficult times that we learn how to comfort others. Sometimes the process of growing closer to our Heavenly Father comes along the path of heartache and pain.”

                        And last... I have the most extraordinary little family and wouldn't change a single one of them.

Update? - after 2 years it may be called something else?

Well it has been almost 2 whole years that I have posted anything! Why? Because life is crazy, I have a two year old, work full time and honestly almost always just sit here and cry when I start to blog. I don't really know why? It reminds me a lot of Mac is the only conclusion I can think of. I am blogging today because... I need to. I haven't written in a journal and this is the easiest way for me to document all that is going on. And this week a lot is going on.

I am pregnant! 15 weeks and 1 day to be exact. With Oakland and this pregnancy it always started out with fear. I get anxious, I'm nervous, and my portable heart beat monitor is my best friend. I know it's not likely that something similar to my experience with Mac will happen but I still have so many feelings that re-surface or magnify when I'm pregnant.

With this pregnancy, I've had to add on the concern of getting a blood clot. Josh and I had to plan this pregnancy because that meant going off of my current blood thinner, coumadin. I've been taking a shot known as Lovenox since September in preparation to have a baby and in January, found out I was pregnant! My OB dr. is quite the amazing guy (to say the least). He got me in early, scheduled me to meet with a fetal maternal medicine doctor and they got me prepared on a perfect does of Lovenox to prevent clots but also to not cause damage to the baby.

Taking the shots twice daily has been hard for me. I'm terrified of needles, the thought of inflicting pain twice a day is just not something I love. I sometimes feel like it's taking over my life too, I am bound to taking this or something will go wrong. However, I have learned a lot from my OB and fetal medicine Dr. about why I clot, more tests they have run and I get lucky to have a few more ultra sounds to ensure everything is still cooking right so it's had it's benefits... in a weird way. :)

I've been terribly sick this pregnancy. Had two liquid IV's to hydrate me again, been on Zofran for the past 2 months and relied a lot on my two year old. Sad, but she's actually quite the helper and super understanding. Since my first appointment until now I have lost a total of 4 pounds, but the baby is growing good, so that's not an issue (and better than the weight I gained with Mac :) )

On Monday morning I woke up with some slight bleeding (sorry this may be rated PG-13). It was only in the morning so I thought I would monitor it to see if it continued througout the day and it didn't. I was able to find the babies heart beat so I assumed it was just one of those off times. Tuesday morning at 2:00 a.m. I woke up with a lot of blood and immediately called the Dr on call to see what I should do (go off lovenox- would that even help?!) He told me to call first thing in the morning and set up an ultrasound.

That morning felt like a million years. All Josh and I could do was look up details on miscarriage and what to expect. Oakland woke up about 3 and climbed in to bed with us and could not understand why we were awake (and offered us some comic relief with her early morning grouchy comments). She kept asking what was wrong, why I was crying, and why the lights were on cause it was making her not sleep. We finally turned the lights off and when we thought she was asleep Josh told me that he would take her downstairs to watch Mickey Mouse if something happened, and she replied, "Dad I don't want to watch Mickey Mouse, I'm so tired, I just want to sleep". :) We all did, but I couldn't. So I laid there until 9:00 when the Dr. office opened.

We went in to meet with the Dr. (still was bleeding) and was actually scheduled to meet with another Dr. in the office because my regular Dr. was booked but he saw us and immediately told the nurse he would take us from here on out. We did an ultra sound and everything looked ok, baby's heart beat was strong, there wasn't any blood pooling... so he guessed it was just regular pregnancy bleeding but since I was on Lovenox it may seem stronger and last longer but to watch it and if it didn't slow down to come in on Thursday.

It didn't slow down... Wednesday I felt like it was the second day of my period. It was new fresh blood and lots of it. I continued to find the baby's heart beat throughout the day and at 4:30 my Dr. called me from his cell phone.

We decided it was time for another ultrasound and he scheduled me an appointment for 8:30 in the morning. I continued to bleed and check the heartbeat the rest of the night and this morning we went in again.

We did an ultra sound and this time were able to locate a pool of blood in the Uterus, just next to the water sac but not with the baby. That is definitely where the bleeding is coming from but still no sign of why I'm bleeding. The Dr. can see it's not coming from the baby but from me. It's still a concern though if the bleeding spreads or worsens. It was decided to take me off lovenox until the bleeding stops, in hopes that my blood will clot just enough to stop the bleeding and heal whatever the cause of the bleeding is from and risk the chance of a clot. I can't go on bedrest because I chance clotting now that I'm off blood thinner, so I'm on limited activity. Nothing strenuous activity, no lifting, no bumpy rides, or sitting in one place for a long time and lots of small calm walks to keep my blood a movin.

It's a waiting game. Right now there is over a 40% chance I will have a miscarriage, I'm still bleeding, I'm trying to not dwell on the worst but have to prepare myself for it. I want to hope for the best but am terrified to get my hopes up. I've re-lived my experience with Mac at least 1 million times. I'm trying so hard to not let Oakland see my emotions because she's having a hard time understanding it all. She tells everyone that I was very scared and am kind of sad. She asks me all the time if I'm ok, if I'm happy, if I'm healthy... this morning she told me she wants to hold the baby really bad. Me too Oak, let's pray for that 60%...