Our last 3 weeks with McKallister

So I've been having a hard time writing what I want to about this experience and so I just thought I'd share what we have been doing and how we have been handling everything. On the day that Mac would have been one month we got together with our family and had a little Birthday party for McKallister. We went up to his grave and had cupcakes and sang happy birthday, and then just played and hung out together. I have been so grateful for my families support and being so willing to come to things like this...it's helped me more then anything else.

The next Tuesday I decided I was ready to clean out his room...good thing for Mom's and Sister's! My sister being the photographer she is of course took pictures for me of things I had set up in Mac's room or items that he would have used. That was amazing for me and I am so glad that she has the talent she does. My Mom really did all the packing away for me. I just handed her clothes, toys, stuffed animals, picture frames, shoes, diapers, bath toys, etc. and she organized them and seperated them into boxes. After she was done with that I decided that I just couldn't part with taking the crib down or the changing table so that is still set up in his room. I didn't think it would be hard to pack everything up because he hadn't used any of it yet...but I guess I never realized how much I visualized how everything would have been. I imagined myself changing him at night into cute little pj's with his baseball lamp turned on, or trying to make him smile in his crib with a little stuffed animal. I even imagined changing all those poopy diapers and honestly miss the chance to do that...

My family and friends in the last month and a half not only showed their love through staying up for countless hours to comfort Josh and I, traveling miles to see a nephew and cousin, delivering flowers to brighten up my room and mood, created a blog in memory of Mac, offered blessings of comfort, made blankets for me and McKallister to share, allowed me to share in the sealing of their son, entertaining me while Josh is at work, babysitting Alex so my Mom and Dad could be with me in my time of need, visit Mac’s grave, take off work to be with us, smiled and laughed when I didn’t know there was anything good in this world but they were there for us no matter what it cost them, they were our friends, they lent a listening ear, prayed for us, and think of McKallister as family.

Even though I never saw Mac alive I felt like we were best of friends and I know so much about him. I wanted to share some of the things that I remember about Mac so that you can see not only pictures but the kid behind the pictures…

Mac always had the hiccups and did not like them! He was playful- he was always moving, kicking, and rolling around, he even played pick- a-boo with us at the first ultrasound! He was terrified of zerbits (ya know, when someone blows a raspberry on your stomach to make a toot sound) whenever someone would zerbit one side of my tummy he would try to “escape” out the other side. He loved warm showers. Whenever my front would be facing the shower my stomach would be all out in front and huge, when I’d put my back in the shower I could feel him move to my back and my stomach would shrink down like there wasn’t anyone in there. If I laid on my side he would lay on the couch or bed too so that my side not touching the couch or bed was completely flat and he didn’t like when I laid on my back and would kick my spine every time I did. I will cherish and remember every trait he had while he was alive because those are the only memories I will ever have of his movements.

I find myself fighting to get past every week, day, minute, hour and second without my little one. I have faced every emotion, whether it is anger, overwhelmed, frustration, sadness, confusion, loneliness, scared, wanting, emptiness, patience, comfort, loved, hated, happiness and heartache. I still have an empty feeling every day and struggle that I will never know what it feels like to comfort my baby at night, play in the sunshine with him, kiss his chubby cheeks every day, or get him in and out of the car. It kills me to have never felt his big ol’ hands hold my finger tight, see his eyes look at mine, hear his baby cry and laugh, and I will never be able to see him smile at me. When the day ends I realize that I feel so alone and lost without Mac. I find myself promising Heavenly Father that I will be a good Mother and that I will try my best to raise my kids in the gospel and pray He will send me another little one that I can keep for this short time on earth. I beg Him to help me get past this trial and learn all that I can from it and to help me stay positive. I plead with him to help me get through one day without feeling scared and alone. But after all of those feelings I feel comfort, peace, love, and even though I miss my McKallister more then I can possibly explain I feel a small peaceful feeling. I will never be able to hold Mac again but I will always be able to feel his tender love surround me.

During this past month I faced something that I never even imagined. I questioned, I withheld, I screamed, I sat in silence, I searched for an explanation, I wished, I cry…no sob, but in the end I have learned how to love stronger, I have gained a knowledge of the atonement, I have learned how to pray from my heart, I realize that I have the honor of being with my family for eternity. I have built a foundation to qualities such as patience, faith, fortitude, and humility. I have studied the prophet’s teachings, scriptures, and talks more deeply. This has been an experience that I will never forget and even though I wish with all of my heart that it didn’t happen, I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I LOVE McKallister more than I ever imagined I could love someone and He taught me so much about family. I owe my little guy everything and am so glad that he is happy.

We got the preliminary results back from the Dr. at my 6 week appointment and learned that he had an ebrasion on the left side of his neck. From those results they would assume it was a cord accident. His umbilical cord was also 82 cm long when they are normally 60 cm so that would help support that theory. I have not gotten every detail from the autopsy back yet, I should get them back shortly. I think that I would be ok if it was a cord accident because that is not something that my body did or that my health did...I'll be sure to update everyone once we know the cause of death for sure.

Thank you everyone for your prayers and comments on or blog. Thank you every family member that has "put up with us" the last month and a half and for all of the generous things each of you has done for us. Thank you everyone who offered a smile or a hug when I was feeling down and I just want to say a big thanks to Josh...I honestly have to say that Josh has been my biggest support system and I am so glad that he has been willing to stay up with me at nights, or be the shoulder I cry on. He has cheered me up when I thought I was as low as it got and never stopped loving me. I am so glad that I married him and that he is the man he is. Basically THANK YOU to everyone that has been my friend during this time...you are all amazing and have helped Mac fulfill his mission and for that I owe you all so much.

Sorry this is such a long post and that I just kind of ramble...I'm not so good at composing my thoughts and creating even a sentence that makes sense! :) Thanks again and you'll be hearing from me shortly!