President Dwight Eisenhower once said, "There is no tragedy in life like the death of a child, things never get back to the way they were."
I still can not decide if they don't get back to the way they were for the worst, or the better. Recently I've come to the conclusion that it's both. On one side of the spectrum, I've learned more from this experience than I have through anything else in my entire life, however, on the other side- I'm always torn up inside.
I've tried so many things to help myself get on in the every day world, to stop the nightmares, to feel better about yet another month without a kid, to stop crying every day, so this month I tried something else...I haven't been to Mac's grave since the beginning of January. Before I hadn't even missed 2 days, and I thought it might help....it didn't.
McKallister Vance Hinckley was born June 27, 2008 at 5:53 a.m. weighing in at 7 pounds and 15 ounces. Our tall little man was 22 inches long and had his Daddy's crooked ear.
There is no denying that I had the most PERFECT son- too perfect to stay on this earth.
Left God's arms for a moment
Sweet lil thing
Baby Mac
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16 comments:
I am so sorry for your loss. I have followed your blog since summer. I have never left a comment, but I feel impressed to do so today. I think this quote holds so much truth. I can't imagine your loss. I have a six year old, who when she was 2, fell out her bedroom window, and was life flighted to PCMC. As I drove to the hospital, I had no idea what would lie in store for me when I arrived. I can relate to what you said about this changing you forever. I count that experience in our familie's existence as a literal turning point. We have never been the same!!! The experience was life changing, but so sacred for us. These little ones that come to us truly are our angels. They come and teach us things that we can learn in no other way. Time will heal your heart. Mac will send down siblings that will both help remind you of him, yet occupy your time that will in turn help heal your heart. The load that you have been asked to bear is great, and I cannot imagine it. If it is any consolation to you, know that your little family and your BIG story has made a big impact on others, and drawn many closer to their Savior. -Angela-
Nothing - no matter how many days - will make you feel better for losing your precious little boy. That quote is entirely right and I know that you by your daily life doing your best even when you feel you can't. For that Cali (and Josh!) you have more strength than words can be expressed!
Cali,
I've read through your blog and the sweet blog dedicated to your baby Mac. I want to thank you for sharing Mac's story...it has helped strengthen me. I feel a connection with you because our experiences are so similar, at least in what happened, because I know everyone's feelings, etc. are different in these situations. But I hope you know you aren't alone. It helps me to know that. Our sweet baby was born still at 37 weeks due to a cord accident. She was our first. My grandma even sang "Be Still My Soul" at her funeral. Julie Williams is the one that took our pictures and made our video also...isn't she amazing?! I just realized too that my husband and I met in June of 2006 and were married in February of 2007, same as you guys. wow..thats kinda weird. :) Anyway...I would love to know some of the things that have helped you as you've gone through this and continue to go on. I don't know about you but its helped me to talk to people or read about others that have gone through a similar thing. Feel free to email me at amy.chinagal@gmail.com or our blog is www.zacharyandamy.blogspot.com
Sincerely,
Amy
Cali - I still think about you and Josh all the time. That quote is so right. On February 4th our little guy would've been five years old. Five years...and in some ways it only get harder. In other ways however, it does get easier. I think all the tears you feel inside DO slowly heal...but they certainly never heal back the way they were before (and yes, I still try to figure out if that's a good or bad thing). My heart aches for mothers in the stage that you are in. I would love to talk to you if you ever need someone.
Cali- I am a friend of Lindsey B., and I have had the joy of meeting your mom at school where Alex goes. I have read your blog, and your sweet Baby Boy's blog since all of this happened. When Mac's blog went up, I had to visit it everyday. I would sit at the computer, and watch the slide shows, listen to the music and cry. I have never in my entire life been so touched be anything or anyone. Maybe it is because I have a baby who is 8 months old , and I as I would look at Mac's pictures I would wonder what it would have been like to be in your shoes. I think of you and Mac often. You really touched my life. I want you to know that the thing I learned most from Mac was, I want my family to be an eternal family.I want to be like you! Take care, and thanks for sharing your story, and THANK YOU Mac for being the BIGGEST and STRONGEST missionary I have ever "met."
-boogsandsnooks@comcast.net
I almost lost my baby last year when he was 6 weeks old and I still cry every time I think about it. I don't think what you are feeling is not normal. I don't think you will ever not feel hurt, one day you will just be able to talk about it without crying. once again I am so sorry for your loss and I hope that you will find some comfort as time goes on. We will keep you and your family in our prayers.
i'm right there with you...
not sure there is a "right" way to do this...just do what you can, when you can.
((hugs))
I wish I could take the hurt away. We love you so much and are always here for you and Josh and keep you in our constant prayers. You are so much stronger than you think you are and that strength has built up so many people. While Mac is your constant angel...you are ours!
So sorry Cali, I'm sorry that your new "attack" at this didn't work. I'm not sure anything but time will help. Again, as everyone else said - you are an inspiration and stronger than you think. Never forget that, and never forget to rely on Josh for strength. . . Thats what he's there for!
Cali, I wish I could help you with your pain and take some of it away. I don't know you, but I follow your blog and pray for you you, Josh & Mac EVERY DAY.
It will eventually become for the better, but the road there is so painful!
It will eventually become for the better, but the road there is so painful!
I dont know you but I read your blog I cried so hard so many times about your loss. I am truely sorry. One day you will get to hold him again and I believe you will get a chance to raise him its just hard to wait until then. My prayers are with you and your husband.
Cali-
I love you so much!!! You are so amazing and I have learned so much from you! You are such a strength to me and my family. You are in my prayers and thoughts daily!!! I would love if you came and stayed with me for a little while, it would be a privledge and a blessing to have you in my home!Let me know if I can do anything. Again We love you guys!!!
When you have a child, everything changes forever. So I it would stand true that losing one would change things forever as well. There are no words, but "I'm sorry". I'm sorry for what you continue to go through, sweetie. Keep doing what you're doing...getting through one minute at a time. And know that you are loved very much!
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