Adoption

“The deepest losses offer the widest openings for us to receive the miracles in our midst.”

I have been privileged to see adoption in my families lives, however, Josh and I will soon be able to experience this first hand. As you may know, 5 weeks ago our adoption profile was published online. We are hoping that by spreading the word about our desire to adopt, we will find the child meant to join our family.

My excitement at the prospect of being an adoptive parent grows every day and my awe for the birth mothers I know does as well. I love everything about adoption and have such a love for everyone that is involved in this truly selfless process.

We set up an adoption blog so please feel free to refer anyone to it that might be interested in learning more about us. Josh, Oakland and I know that there is a little miracle out there for our family and we talk about this sweet spirit(s) so often. We are thrilled about this process and hope that you can help us build our family through adoption!

What's Mine is Yours Music Video

   My Sister-In-Law showed me this video and I absolutely love it. 

Hero's in a world of havoc

So I have to admit, I never watch the news. I get so discouraged with violence, accidents, natural disasters.... and then there is what happened two days ago in Connecticut. I have read the many posts, comments, and news reports regarding it but no matter what you read, it doesn't get better. The world can be scary, the people can be even scarier.

I hope this doesn't sound awful but it makes me grateful for how I lost my two boys. It makes me grateful that I'm alive to hold my daughter so close to me. I take comfort in my knowledge of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I have seen very sad things in my life- through the media, news, etc. but also in my personal life. I have also seen miracles. I have met genuinely good people. There is so much bad in this world but there is also so much good that maybe doesn't get the attention it should. Here is one of those stories...

I have a younger brother with Down Syndrome. He is turning 16 in the next few days and is a sophmore in high school. He just joined the wrestling team! The coaches are one thing. They accepted Alex immediately and think of him as a member of the team. They treat him like any other athlete, they make him do the work outs, but they also understand that this boy is stubborn and requires a little more attention. It has been amazing for me to see.

And then there are the members of his team. These boys are hero's. They are kind men who really like and care about him. They treat Alex with compassion. They make him work hard! I have been priviledged enough to watch two matches and have cried through both of them! I don't even know how to describe the feeling I have to see these boys so willing to wrestle him. How they cheer him on and teach him while wrestling. He has a great team, full of boys that I look up to so much.

And then I was shocked to see how the other schools treated him. They don't know Alex, they could easily reject him and not want to wrestle him... but that is not the case. These boys will forever hold such a special place in my heart for being so kind to my little brother. They put up a real good fight, but explain to Al what to do. They make him work his hardest but don't just give in. And they let him win and then cheer him on. I watched as he ran down the sideline of the opposing school's boys giving out high fives and they all wanted to congratulate him.

Unfortunately the world we live in has violence and bullies. But I have had the opportunity to meet some real hero's and am proud that there is still so much good in this world. I hope I can raise every single one of my kids to be the hero and stand up for any that may need it...

The blank mind

I have tried to write this post for exactly one week. Most of the time I just sit here. Other times I try to look up words that may describe how I have been feeling... but there aren't words. I may make one up.

Saturday morning I woke up on the other end of the phone. This time the phone call wasn't about me, but I wish it was because no one should ever have to lose a baby. The call I got was about a neighbor I grew up across the street from, Sonja. She was due with her fifth baby on the 9th of this month and last Saturday they were unable to locate the heartbeat of her sweet son Daniel. I went and saw her in the hospital, I visited her later in the week, I attended the funeral. 

I needed her to know that she wasn't alone, I wanted to help. I wanted to hold her kids. I therapeutically shopped for anything that may comfort her. My Mom held me up- literally- as I watched Sonja's heart break and mine all over again. I don't sleep at nights. It's all back. The memories, feelings, hurt in my chest. Not that it ever went away...but it's just back in the front of my heart.

Sonja's family is amazing. Her Sister is battling cancer, her son battled cancer, had his leg amputated and that boy still smiles and runs! Everytime I see him, I fall in love with my life. Her other kids are so sweet. They are kind and they have gone through things no one should have to. Her daughter is weeks younger than Mac and Sonja let me hold her in the hospital when she was born. Something that I will never forget and touched me more than she knew.

She is stronger than me. She spoke at Daniel's funeral, she has already blogged about what happened. This week has been full of emotions. But this I know. Everything that happens to us, good or bad, is a part of us. But it doesn't get to define who we are, we get to decide that.

My Sister-in-law came over the other night for a homework assignment but what she did for me, again, I don't know how to express. She let me talk, about my feelings, about all the repercussions, about Oakland. I'm not good at thanking people in person because I get choked up and stumble over words.

 I remember my parents, Josh and Oakland- at most every visit they came to in the hospital, after the first few days. Other visits are scattered but a memory I have a lot of is of this Sister and Brother-in-law. I don't remember details but I remember them there. My first major outing, they were there helping with Oakland and I. She texts me all the time to check in on me, and always follows up with how I'm doing- always at the right time. She does this with everyone in the family- she's great and I love her.

Josh and I are getting close to having our names published on lds family services site for adoption! So if you know anyone that is expecting, I would love to meet them.

On one last note. I attended my last scheduled doctors appointment on Monday. I have had one at least every week for the last 5 months. I'm off Coumadin, my blood thinner. They'll be running tests to see if I have any other clotting disorders to determine if I have to be on thinner the rest of my life. So... I have to wear a compression sock. :) I have chronic pain in my right leg and headaches because of the lacking blood flow. But I am here, alive, and enjoying every moment with Oakland and Josh. I am deciding how the good and bad will define me.

Live all the days of your life...

Tim McGraw sings a song... "Live like you were dying". I'm sure most of you have heard it, I heard it plenty before my accident. But today, it made me cry. Hard enough that I had to turn the radio off in order to drive. The situations in my life have taught me to love life no matter what the circumstances. And not only love life, but actually live all the days of your life. This song is me. I'm not living like I'm dying, but I'm living like I got that second chance. It made me realize all the things in life I wanted. Don't wait!

Be a better friend, a better son, a better worker, a better Mom. Quit your job if you hate it, go back to school if you want to. Be happy with your life and have no regrets. Do the next right thing, help a neighbor, think about someone else every day before you think of yourself. Write thank you or love notes, be spontaneous, kiss, create memories that you would be sad if you didn't have. Turn off your phone while talking to your kids, actually play with them.

My sister will love me for quoting Dumbledore so... he tells Harry, "It is not our abilities that show what we truly are. It is our choices." It doesn't matter what has happened to you, it matters what you do with what has happened to you. Live your life like you got a second chance. Trust me, there is no other way to live...

Banner vs. the HULK

Sometimes I can't write. The emotions I feel are too strong to share and I'm pretty sure I've shed more tears in the past 5 years than I have in all my life. Today is one of the "dates" I'll remember for the rest of my life. I would have been induced two weeks early with Quincy. Today. I told myself I wouldn't think about it and it wouldn't hurt but it does. My heart hurts... This month will be hard, Quincy's due date, pregnancy and infant loss awareness month, General Conference. That's when I'm glad for my 'seen and unsean rescuers'. Family, friends, acquantinces, books, talks, all of it has a huge impact on my life right now.

I consider myself the Hulk. (Yes, I will quote him later and yes, Oakland is in love with him). In the Avengers Banner talks about how he has control over his anger, his... transformation? Anyways, later on he says, "That's my secret Captain... I'm always angry". On days like this I feel my secret to not bawl my eyes out every second of the day is just that... I'm always on the verge of tears, I'm always sad. I've learned to contain it, hide it, but it's normally always there weighing on my mind. Right after Dr. Banner says that, he transforms into the hulk- it's a super awesome part! Well, you just watch out because on my "days" I can transform from Dr. Banner to the "crying, sobbing, hysterical Hulk" within a matter of seconds. So how do I make myself feel better?

With this sweet thang!



I've been trying to keep myself busy this month so here are some fun things we have done... 7 peaks! 

Yes, he was stuck.

Baseball games.

Bird show at Tracy Aviary

Camping (see the deer in the background!)

Carnival

Kissin, I mean 'holding hands cousins'.

Best Moab jeeping trip ever! 

Hiking (Oakland took this picture! Good huh?)



Hanging at Daddy's work! 

Liberty Park date

Lunch with my siblings

Hanging out with Nieces.

Lovin this gal!

Farm

Girls date

Exactly four months ago, we weren't sure I was going to make it. Like literally my family was praying I would make it through another day, another surgery. I can't imagine the feelings they went through, especially my immediate family. Their courage, strength, love, and prayers help me through these hard days. I was hanging on by a thread and last weekend, I rock climbed.

Marjorie Pay Hinckley said, "Everything you are learning now is preparing you for something else". I keep this quote on a journal that I carry everywhere with me. I know it to be true. I think the Lord has put different trials in my life to help me with those that seem larger than I can handle. I hope to be able to look forward with hope, rather than look backward with despair as Elder Bowen reminded me in Conference.

“The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again.” -Joseph Smith

11 week update

I realize that I have not done a very great job at updating on how life has been the past few weeks. Mostly because I have been enjoying every possible minute I can with Oakland! But here is a rundown of everything;

Oakland- Is still my little guardian. She makes sure I don't work too hard. Every morning Josh reminds her that she needs to take care of me and she does an exceptional job. She has taken over my jobs of doing the dishes and vacuuming and does quite well for a two year old! Her stutter is going away, she only does when she is overwhelmed (meeting someone new or around a lot of people), she still asks a lot of questions. Most of them are really hard for me to answer. Partially because she is two and I don't know what detail to go in to, other times because I don't know the answer for myself yet. She LOVES to tell people about the two brothers she has in heaven and we are working on explaining adoption to her. She went back to my Mom's this past week so that I could return to work and has ended up sleeping in my bed every night since then because neither of us want to part when I get home. :)

Josh- Honestly, I can never read this guy. :) He is just strong for me. I realize that he is in my life to keep me going. He's so positive and has such a great outlook on life. He's still working hard at Alder Construction and loves every minute of it. I think we are both just really glad to have each other at this point!

Me- Physically; I'm almost back to normal! I sneezed the other day and it didn't even hurt my stomach. :) I walked away with a few scars, but I kinda like em. They remind me of how lucky I am. I have the one on my stomach from the hysterectomy, one on my neck and leg from when they put in and took up the ivc filter, my arms are covered from various IV's, and I have a big one on my neck from the pick line. My heart, brain, other organs are undamaged as far as we can tell. I have had some trouble with short term memory loss so I write stuff down a lot. We are still working out my blood clots, I get my levels tested once a week to evaluate the blood thinner I am on. I'm hoping to only be on that for 3 more months and then we can run some more tests to determine if it will be a life long thing for me.

Emotionally; Let's just say it depends on the day, no hour, ok minute. Some nights it takes me a really long time to get to sleep so I only end up with a few hours before Oakland wakes up for the morning. Other times I have nightmares through the night but I can't recall them once I'm awake. And then there are the days when I am just so exhausted that I sleep like a champ. I've always been really great at crying so that happens frequently. Oakland stopped asking me what was wrong and instead just holds my hand or lets me cry to her. But then there are my happy moments. Happy to be alive, happy to have friends/family that I do, happy about who Oakland is, just really happy with my life!

Other; I went back to work this past week, only on a part time basis. I miss Oakland SO much while I'm gone. We thought it would be good to save some money for... Adoption! We are hoping to be assigned a case worker really soon and then the process will begin. I'm really excited. A lot of people have asked if it's too early, but I am not trying to replace Quincy. Of course, I want a baby. I want Oakland to have siblings to play with, I want our family to grow and I want a ton of kids! Josh and I both feel really good about the timing, and everything has gone smoothly so far, so we are hopeful. So... If anyone knows an expecting Mommy out there, I would love to meet her. :) I know that is a huge sacrifice and when I think of birth parents, I cry every time. Having nephews that were adopted and meeting their birth Moms is such a humbling experience for me. They are the most selfless ladies I have ever met and I have such a great love and respect for them.

I'm so grateful and overly satisfied with life right now. The next post will be all pictures so that everyone doesn't just get tired of my blabbing and can see how stinking cute Oakland is!

Get to

A man by the name of Frank lives by two simple words. These words have been my past month and a half, even though I didn't realize it until I heard them. I know when you experience life changing moments, you live differently for a time. I hope I can always live my life around these two words as it has made me happier than I could realize- even being hospitalized, bed ridden, sore, sad, hurt, and scared.

Get to.

They remind us to be grateful for everything. "Instead of saying, 'I have to go to work today', Frank tells himself, 'I get to go to work'. Instead of saying, 'I have to get groceries,' he gets to. Instead of saying, 'I have to take the kids to baseball practice,' he gets to. It works for everything". I have done this most with small tasks that are harder for me than I think they should be. I get to. And aside from the smaller things- I get to watch Oak grow up. I get to be a mom and all that comes with it, cleaning, cooking, laundry, taking the kids to practice, shopping for them. I get to teach Oakland how to pray, serve, love. I get to have two perfect little boys...I get to adopt.

Every day I'm getting stronger. I don't sleep as much, I get to help Oakland with a few things throughout the day and even have done some laundry by myself. I know they seem so small but to me they are huge steps. Josh and I have "story time" each night because I am so curious about everything. When did people arrive at our house- police chief, paramedics, air med, our Bishop, his wife who took Oakland for us- what was Oakland's reaction, who did he call first after 911, how he made the decisions he did, who spent the most time with him at the hospital, was he scared... The more I learn, the more I realize how close I was to not coming back. A lot of people know more about the situation than I do, I simply don't remember. From being sedated, maybe. Maybe from being protected as most things you would not want to remember. My body went through a lot.

I got a miracle. And I'm not wasting a minute of it.