Friday, July 6, 2012

My life...forever changed.

Josh turned to me the other day on the ride home from one of my hospital visits and just started laughing! I asked him what was so funny and he said, "You are not even supposed to be alive right now and here you are, holding my hand..."

I don't quite know how to put in to words what has been going on the last month. I feel a whole bunch of emotions that I don't know how to place, I'm still focused on my physical health, I'm worried about everyone around me, and I still don't have a great memory of the events that happened. I remember Saturday night at the lake with my family and then dinner that night with Josh and Oakland, after that I couldn't say what happened until around Thursday. And even then, it's foggy. Everyone says that is a good thing- that I don't remember- but it's frustrating. I have a hard time watching my family re-live it. I wish I could take those memories away from them.

I watch Josh talk about everything and wonder how I got so lucky as to have him and the respect I feel for him. He literally saved my life and then was there with me during every hard moment I had to face from there on out. My parents dropped everything they had going on to be with me at the hospital, to make sure I wasn't scared, to talk to me, to help me. I think of family that watched Oakland, checked in on Josh and I. Neighbors that made meals, everyone that helped out with the yardsale, cards we received, flowers, things to cheer me up and make my hospital stay so much better. Prayers, fasting, blessings, service... all I can do is cry. Out of thankfulness, out of loving admiration, how I will always cherish those people.

My past few weeks have been filled with words like; amniotic embolism, cardiac arrest, flat line, blood clots, loss, transfusions, surgeries, IV's, cat scans, x-rays, ultrasounds, ICU, oxygen, medication, blood work, healing, scared, seizures, unstable, needles, life flight, nurses, doctors, emergency, physical therapy, bruises, and hurt.

They have now turned in to; miracles, blessing, prayers, love, affection, unforgetable, appreciation, fondness, respect, friendship, tenderness, family, memories, caring, help, support, cherish, adore, eternity, consideration, unselfishness, service, trust, the spirit, sacrifice, and commitment.

I still have such a long way to go, both physical recovery and emotionally. I miss Quincy, Mac, not being able to have anymore children. I want them both so bad. I want to have a baby to hold and love. I'm scared of what the future will bring. But then I think of all my friends and family and know I can do it. If Josh and Oakland can be as strong as they have been through all of this, I can pull through. I'm not saying it won't be tough. But I have the greatest little family. I'm so in love with Josh. I think the world of Oakland. I'm crazy about my two little boys. So... somehow I know we'll get through. While Josh was in awe over me being alive, able to hold his hand- I'm just grateful that I have the priviledge to live another day, watch Oakland grow up, be able to kiss Josh anytime I want. My outlook on life has forever been changed. I hope I can make it for the good.

41 comments:

Lizzy said...

I read about your story on another blog and have been checking in on your progress. You are an inspiration to strangers like me and I'm so happy for you and your family that you are doing well! I can't imagine how difficult it is for you but this is beautiful to see the positivity and love that surrounds you! Here's wishing you a lifetime of love and laughs!

Erin said...

You're amazing Cali. I'm glad you are back on the blog. I love you!

Shannon keffer said...

Dear Cali, we do not know each other. I heard your story through Heather whom I went to high school with. I have been following your story since Baby Mac. I just wanted to tell you how moved I am by all that has happened to you and your family and friends support and resciliance through it. It is breath taking and heart wrenching at the same time. I think you have restored my faith. I'm glad you are here and I wish you all the best.

Stacie said...

Wow. Simply amazing. Love you to pieces.

Anonymous said...

I am a stranger. I have been following your story, and have been so emotional on your behalf! I am so happy that you survived, and that you have been given the opportunity to watch your precious girl grow up and grow old with your sweetheart! I have prayed for your well being and I am grateful that we have a Heavenly Father that listens to and answers prayers!

Alesha said...

Cali I have thought about you everyday since your health issues arose. And I don't even know you.

I cry when I think about it. I have lost one child, but 2 that is just beyond not fair. I am really sorry. I pray for you everyday. I hope that in some way you can feel comfort. ♥

HollySteffen said...

you are such an inspiration to me. i have been praying for you and your family.

Kam and Jodie said...

Cali, my name is Jodie Kuhni and I am also from Utah! I suffered an Amniotic Fluid Embolism with the birth of my child as well! I just want you toknowyou aren't alone. It will be a long road of daunting questions and frustrations but you do pull out of it and eventually see the good in life again. There is a group on Facebook called the Amniotic Fluid Embolism Foundation that I hope you will join. They only let people join who have had AFE's and their family members. They are a group of Women who are trying to get research to make hospitals and doctors more aware, since there is little research for AFE's. Please, if you would ever like to talk to someone who has been through an AFE, contact me! I know how alone I felt and wished I had someone to talk to at the time. You can find me on Facebook under Jodie Kuhni if you are interested. I hope I am not creeping you out or overstepping my boundaries, but I just want you to know I am here and have been through it! Good Luck with everything! You are a sting women and a great example! I am glad you are here to show your little girl what a strong women you are! She needs you :)

Chloe Smith said...

You are amazing. Everytime I read your posts you make me want to be a better person.

Kami said...

I had read you had found out you were having a boy and that things were going well. I am happy that you survived such a scary thing but I ache for what you are going through again and ache that you have to go through it again! I am so sorry for you and your families loss! I will keep you all in my prayers!

Sending prayers and hugs your way!

Kami

kierra said...

so I don't remember how exactly I came across your blog but since I read your story I've been reading the updates thru your sister in law and your mom and im so amazed! I pray for you and your struggles and im so happy that your family still has you! you are a amazing woman and I wish you nothing but the best moving forward with your life! God has a plan for you and he's definitely not done with you yet. God bless you and your family and I hope things start getting better SOON!

Michelle Hinckley said...

Cali,
You, Josh and Oakland have taught us all so much about faith and love. So GRATEFUL you're here with us. Love you so much.

-Michelle H.

Nichol Family said...

Cali I have been following your blog for a couple of years and you are a huge inspiration! Just wanted you to know that you make a difference in lives you don't even know about. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Miss Oakland is adorable!

Miss Deja said...

Thank you for sharing your story with all of us. You are a great example to so many.

Pipsylou said...

I am coming up on one year post-hysterectomy after childbirth. It has been HARD, but God's grace has shown through in so many ways.

I would (and still do) go from anger/sadness/disbelief over what happened to sheer GRATEFULNESS to God for allowing me to live in about 5 seconds. The emotions can be so very confusing, and I'm glad you're back to blogging.

If you ever need to chat, please email me. It can be a lonely road but I know you have a wonderful family and great support!!!!!

I am happy that God spared you on that day. He has so much more for you to do! Remember: He only requires us to be obedient TODAY. You don't have to worry about tomorrow!

Anonymous said...

My name is Melissa Adams. I suffered an AFE last year. When you are ready I would love to talk to you. Last year at this time I would have loved to have someone to talk to. I am LDS and live in Idaho Falls. 208-569-3947

April said...

Oh Cali I've just been in tears following your sister in laws blog. I have been following you since your loss of Mckallister a few years ago. I had my son Harrison at 21 weeks, he would be 3 1/2 right now. I had a blood clot in my uterus and I bleed the whole pregnancy and my body finally couldn't handle it anymore. I too had to have blood transfusions and lost consciousness and was at risk of losing my own life, but nothing like what you went through. I just couldn't stop thinking about the last few weeks and prayed so hard! I am so so sorry for your loss I can not imagine having to go through one again. You are amazing and we've been praying for you! I am so glad you're ok and you've been able to see so many blessings through all this. Continued prayers for you and your health and family. I'm just in tears and so happy you are ok!!!!

ryan said...

Cali,
I too have been following every single update since the first picture your mom posted on facebook. Me and my family have been praying constantly for you and your family. I checked on you everyday even on vacation. I am sorry that you have had to go through such hard things, I won't even pretend to understand. I have been so strengthened through your faith and your example. I am so grateful that you survived, your little family does need you! I am sorry that you lost Quincy but I know that him and Mac are close by. You are AMAZING! Prayers are still coming everyday and I put you guys on the prayer roll every time I go. Hang in there! xoxo
Nikki

Lara H. said...

Cali, my name is Lara, I am a friend of Erin's. I have been reading her blog and watching your progress and have been overwhelmed by the amazing woman you are. Our Heavenly Father has thought so highly of you. Though going through trials, we don't think that's the case, but I know you are special to Him. He knew you would take this trial, grow from it, and teach others. You have taught me so much. I have learned from you the power of diligence and determination and faith in His plan. I am so so happy you are doing well. I pray for you daily. I pray that your heart will be comforted, that you will continue to heal and that your burden may be lightened. Thoughts, love, hugs and prayers coming your way!

The Hernandez-Jaquez Family said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Hernandez-Jaquez Family said...

Hi Cali, I've followed your blog since baby Mac, and ever since I've admired your strength and faith in God. I'm so sorry for all you've been through in the past weeks I rejoiced when you blogged about baby Quincy and I cried with you knowing your loss an all you've been through... but am grateful to know you're doing better physically and emotionally I know it would take time to heal, but I also know that with God all things are possible, and that he will give you all the strength and love from your family and closed friends to go on. I know baby Mac and baby Quincy are proud of you for pulling through for their little sis Oakland. I know you don't know me but as I said you are a great sample of strength and faith and I am blessed to know you through blogging because in many of my toughest moments your blog and your story has help me pull through. God Bless you and your beautiful family. :o)

Stephanie said...

You are an inspiration to me. I am praying for your sweet family.

Melissa Marie Head said...

Amazing! You are one amazing person and I have no doubt it has to be sad and a struggle with everything you have been through but your attitude is so positive I am sure you'll prevail. I don't kow you - just read your sis-in-laws blog but have been praying for you and your family.

Emily said...

You are amazing and inspiring. Your faith and attitude will continue to bless you and your friends and family.

Lindsey @ The Hill House said...

Your strength and faith, and that of your family, absolutely amaze me. Many prayers for your continued healing.

Claire said...

God bless you. Will continue to pray for you. hugs claire

Kerstin@TheRealHousewivesofIdaho.blogspot.com said...

I read about your story on your sis-in-law's blog and just wanted to say that I am so sorry for your losses. I have had two miscarriages (which I know are no comparison to what you have gone through) and it was the hardest thing i have ever experienced. I am truly amazed at your outlook and strength. You are such an inspiration. Love to you and your family!

honey my heart said...

so glad to hear that you are on your way to recovery. i am praying for you and your family, for strength, and for more love.

Unknown said...

Your story has touched me so. I admire your strength and your faith. Your family is so lucky to have you still with them. They need you. Wishing you well.
Lilac, Sydney, Australia

Naz said...

I'm so happy that you've become well enough to blog again. Blessings to you, your husband and your beautiful daughter.

Karen said...

I'm a reader of Michelle's blog and have been praying for you and your family. So glad to read your words and know you are doing well. All the best to you, dear girl. God is good!

{Hi Sugarplum!} said...

Sweet Cali -- I don't know you, but ever since reading your story, I've been praying for you and your family...crying for your loss...and so grateful that your story has a positive outcome. Thank you for sharing this with us, and allowing us to take part in praying for you!

Big D and Me said...

I have followed your story and couldn't be more amazed at what an amazing post you just shared. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

ShaRee said...

You're simply amazing Cali! Your ability to put into words your emotions is awesome, and your outlook is even more incredible. You really are an inspiration to all! We hope you continue to recover physically and emotionally, and are blessed with many tender mercies!
Love,
Scott and ShaRee

Kimbralee said...

You are such and amazing girl and such great inspiration with SO much courage! I'm glad you are ok and doing better! You were in my thoughts and prayers alot! I know you will make a great recovery expecially with what great family and friends you have! Love you!!

Megan said...

Like many others, I too have been following your blog since baby Mac. I am amazed by your strength to endure. You are such an example of faith and inspire me to do better in my life. My thoughts and prayers continue to be with you and your family. Wishing you a fast recovery.

Megan said...

Like many others, I too have been following your blog since baby Mac. You are an amazing young woman with such strength and determination. You inspire me to do better in my life. My thought and prayers continue to be with you and your family. Wishing you a fast recovery.

Dara Wills said...

I just wish you all the best in your recovery. Lots of love and prayers coming your way!

Krista said...

I don't remember where I stumbled upon your situation but I read and read updates and my heart broke for you and your family and I prayed that you would find peace in all of this chaos. I am so grateful to the gospel & the fact that I KNOW families will be together again. You are amazing & thank you for sharing with us. May blessings from heaven rain down on you!!

Rob and Heather said...

Cali - your strength is amazing. I love that you and your family have been blessed with this miracle. I love this new way of looking at life 'get to'. We were in your ward abt a year ago and I just loved watching Oakland out running about in the halls - so very precious! (our blog is private but just email me and I will invite you - westons2000@hotmail.com)

Alicia said...

Cali-I am married to Brandon Walters and when we heard what was going on we prayed and put your name in the Columbia River Temple prayer roll in Richland, WA. I am so happy that you are alive to be with Josh and Oakland. I know that your two boys are near you all the time, ever watching their wonderful family through life. I hope that you know how much you are loved and appreciated. You are a brave woman and your example and story inspires me to be a better, more loving wife and mom and a better friend. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Stay well! Stay strong!