Saturday, November 28, 2009

A few more days!

Alright, we are down to a couple more days before they induce me and we finally get to meet this little baby girl! I haven't updated the blog because I've been so busy doing all of the last minute tasks, Holiday's, getting ready to not work for 6 weeks, and Josh is trying to cram all of his school work in so that he can take a while off to be with Oakland and I so the computer has been occupied. And even after all of that, I still don't feel ready!

These past couple of days have been really emotional for me. All of the feelings that I thought I felt strongly still, are hitting me really hard. I cry- a lot. I miss Mac. The strongest feeling that I have is the feeling I had the day we were sent home from the hospital. The last day I was in the Hospital was without Mac. The nurses had come and taken his little body away and then it was just a matter of time before they sent us home. I remember Josh going down and getting the car, my Mom, Tyler, and Laura walking down with me and all of the beautiful flowers we had gotten...and my hands empty.

I will never forget the feelings I had when Josh and I walked up the 3 flights of stairs to our apartment. It's all a blur- except the very emotional feelings that I don't think I will ever get out of my head and my heart. I remember stopping at the top of the stairs, dreading to go in the house because that would make it real. I was home, without my baby that I had waited for so long to bring with me. I didn't want to walk past the nursery because that would mean looking inside to see all of Mac's unused baby items. Josh turned back to me, grabbed my hand and told me it would all be alright- he was there for me. On our door was a sign from his family welcoming us home and when we opened the door both of our parents were there.

I don't think I ever thanked any of our family for that day- I do remember every little detail but at that moment didn't think to thank them for all they had done. They had cleaned our house- and I mean deep cleaned. They had stocked our fridge, freezer and cupboards with food and snacks. And in the mean time, still been taking care of Josh and I at the hospital. They were exactly what I needed when I was missing Mac so much.

All I know is that the experience I had with Mac will be so different than this experience I will have with Oakland. Both of them are going to be life changing events for me... feelings, moments, memories that I will never forget and will cherish forever! But. I will sure be glad to bring a baby home from the Hospital with me this time!!

Friday, November 13, 2009

Hello Contractions?

So just a little over a week ago I started having contractions! Not bad ones- just annoying ones. I never had any contractions with Mac until they actually had me all hooked up in the hospital and on pitocin so this whole pre-birth contraction thing is a new one for me... A couple of things I realized.

1. Do contractions feel different with every pregnancy? Because these feel different than with Mac- and not different from, uncomfortable contractions to labor contractions but different because Oakland is alive. This is weird and kind of hard to explain but let me try. First of all emotionally- when I was having contractions with Mac, I didn't have to worry about him at all because he had already passed. With her, I am worried- I feel bad every time I have one, knowing it has to be uncomfortable for her but also just worried about her heart rate and if she's stressed or ok when I have them, etc.

Second though, physically- when I had contractions with Mac it was just my body tensing up and having them. With her though I feel her react to the contractions which makes them feel different to me. Even if she is asleep when I have them, I think her body naturally tenses a little. I don't know- maybe they will feel the same when they are labor contractions because they'll be so much stronger and I won't feel her as much? Guess we'll see!!!

And last... contractions make you exhausted by the end of the day! Even these little annoying ones. (yawn) I'm already ready for bed. :)

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Four new posts...

Sorry- I posted four posts tonight! That's a little overwhelming but had to be done...

I did want to shoot out an update on the baby girl. First, I don't think I mentioned that we had decided to name her Oakland. You may have seen it here and there but I didn't come right out and say it. There is no specific meaning or reason behind it- we saw it on the Okland construction sign and it just stuck. For some reason it fits her...

We are starting the Non-Stress-Tests (NST) twice a week now with a Dr. appointment once a week so we are keeping busy watching her. Today was the first NST and it went very well. I said this to my dad, but she wasn't really cooperative. His response back, "I could care less if she wants to cooperate, as long as she is alive". Good point dad. :) I hadn't eaten since about 11 and the NST was scheduled for 4, so she was sound asleep during most of it. The nurse had to bring in some juice and ice chips to see if they could get some good movements. They ended up getting what they needed and said that she is looking healthy and nothing is concerning.

During the NST I could not take my eyes off of the screen. Every time she would move away from the monitor and the reading would disappear my heart would start moving a million miles a minute! I learned that Mac had passed away during a NST so it being a similar situation was really intense for me. I'm glad that Josh was there though and the nurse was really nice! I think it will be easier to go in again now since I have been once before and know that it's ok. We'll go back in on Friday and then meet with my Dr. Can you believe that it's only 4 to 6 (at the most) weeks away!!! AH.


Halloween was a blast this year! Alex, my Mom and I went pumpkin hunting and Alex found the perfect pumpkin and was so happy that he picked it out all himself.

Then, of course we had to compare who was bigger. I think we were pretty close... :)

We carved pumpkins at my parents house a couple of days before Halloween.

Holiday's seem to be a little hard- I'm sure it's like that for anyone that has lost a loved one. For me it comes down to this being the first year that Mac would probably enjoy dressing up, or hate touching the pumpkin seeds. I always wonder what costume I would have picked out for him and who would take him trick or treating. Would he hate being dragged around in the cold or would he enjoy himself? My Mom helped me out this year and bought me a shirt that fit just right and allowed me to dress up one of my kids. :) She bought a matching outfit for Morgan so that her two Granddaughters could be the same.

My sister, Taylor, used her talents to help Josh and Alex out with their costumes... boys. :)

We actually got to hang out with Josh's family this year on Halloween- I loved it but didn't get any pictures!! Erin posted some on her blog so you will have to check it out. We got to go trick or treating with the Nephews-huge thanks to our family for letting me walk around with your kids! It was hard for me to not have a kid to take around so it meant the world to me that you would let me trek around with you. We had a blast with everyone!

Mac's new cousin

My Older Brother and his wife had a baby girl about 2 months ago and I haven't blogged about it yet!! I don't know if I have told them this yet but when I first found out that my sister in law was in labor- I broke out in tears. I was so happy for them but I was completely... jealous, I don't know another word for it. I called Josh and tried to explain to him how happy I was but how much it made me miss Mac and how it made me really jealous that she was having a baby that would actually be here on this earth with them. I then called my Dad and he helped me to realize that Josh and I were lucky to have gone through that experience and that we learned a life lesson that not only brought us closer to each other but also to our Heavenly Father and to the gospel. It was such a good lesson for me to have to move past the jealousy and now I am so glad she is in our family and she makes me smile every single time I see her!

A couple of weeks ago my brother called me up and asked if Josh and I would like to come with them to visit Mac for her first time. She slept the whole car ride up but as soon as we got there she opened up her eyes and sat wide eyed until we left. It really meant a lot to me that they would think of taking her up there to see her cousin...It's kind of funny how the small things seem to effect me the most lately. I'm glad that Mac has such a great little cousin!

Mac's walk

October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month and some time during the month the Share organization holds a "walk of rememberance and hope". We went last year for the first year and really enjoyed it so went again this year. They normally hold a little ceremony to start it off and had someone sing a song that I don't know the title or most of the lyrics but I wrote down a few that really hit me. "Heaven is your home and it's all you'll ever know." "You'll kiss our tears away when we come home to stay." "You'll just have Heaven before we do".

Then a lady got up and gave a little talk- she had lost one of her twin daughters and then years later a son during her pregnancy with them. She said that the thing that stuck to her the most is how your world seems to stand still but everyone around you keeps moving. Josh brought this up to me again today and said that he has been thinking a lot about that because you really do feel that way. You can't think or focus on anything else except for that even though people are still going to work and school and living their every day lives.

I don't know if you can see this first picture but they make shirts and will put your babies names on it. Mac's is the last name on the first row and then the second picture is Josh and I walking around the cemetary with everyone else that came to the share walk.

Thank you for everyone that came! We really appreciated your love and support and for taking time on your Saturday to be there with us. I think through all of what we have been through I have relied on my family and friends- not only for moments of support like this but even simply letting me talk about Mac or counting him as a nephew or thinking about him during the day.

I don't really know how to explain it but when people are so willing to come be with us during something that may seem small to them, it changes my life. Mac passing away made my life go in a completely different direction than what I had EVER planned and the support of others makes me realize that direction isn't bad, just different.

The last part of the walk is that everyone gets a balloon to write a message for their baby and then they read the names of your child off and you release their balloon. I wish you could see the last picture better- it's such a humbling sight to watch all of the hundreds of balloons float away. We did a balloon release at Mac's funeral, so that always reminds me of him and has a special place in my heart.