Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Mac's walk

October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month and some time during the month the Share organization holds a "walk of rememberance and hope". We went last year for the first year and really enjoyed it so went again this year. They normally hold a little ceremony to start it off and had someone sing a song that I don't know the title or most of the lyrics but I wrote down a few that really hit me. "Heaven is your home and it's all you'll ever know." "You'll kiss our tears away when we come home to stay." "You'll just have Heaven before we do".

Then a lady got up and gave a little talk- she had lost one of her twin daughters and then years later a son during her pregnancy with them. She said that the thing that stuck to her the most is how your world seems to stand still but everyone around you keeps moving. Josh brought this up to me again today and said that he has been thinking a lot about that because you really do feel that way. You can't think or focus on anything else except for that even though people are still going to work and school and living their every day lives.

I don't know if you can see this first picture but they make shirts and will put your babies names on it. Mac's is the last name on the first row and then the second picture is Josh and I walking around the cemetary with everyone else that came to the share walk.

Thank you for everyone that came! We really appreciated your love and support and for taking time on your Saturday to be there with us. I think through all of what we have been through I have relied on my family and friends- not only for moments of support like this but even simply letting me talk about Mac or counting him as a nephew or thinking about him during the day.

I don't really know how to explain it but when people are so willing to come be with us during something that may seem small to them, it changes my life. Mac passing away made my life go in a completely different direction than what I had EVER planned and the support of others makes me realize that direction isn't bad, just different.

The last part of the walk is that everyone gets a balloon to write a message for their baby and then they read the names of your child off and you release their balloon. I wish you could see the last picture better- it's such a humbling sight to watch all of the hundreds of balloons float away. We did a balloon release at Mac's funeral, so that always reminds me of him and has a special place in my heart.


The Kims said...

That walk sounds really awesome! Losing babies during pregnancy is something that is close to my heart- My mom had seven misscarriages before she had me because of a genetic disorder called a translocation. I have the same thing and I get scared about having kids sometimes. You give me hope. thanks.

Kirsten said...

The walk sounds like a wonderful way to honor the memories of all who have passed. I can not imagine going through what you have. My heart goes out to you and your family every day. My parents lost my brother (before I was born) and just cannot imagine what they went through.

AuntieJaime said...

You don't know me, but I've been praying for you and your family since I first read about your baby boy, Mac.

The name of the song you heard, is called Glory Baby by Watermark.

Here are the full lyrics:

Glory Baby, You slipped away
As fast as we could say baby, baby
You were growing, what happened Dear,
You disappeared on us baby, baby

Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe
Until we're home with you Until we're home with you

We miss you everyday, miss you in every way
But we know there's a day when we will hold you, we will hold you
And you'll kiss our tears away, when we're home to stay
*We can't wait for the day when we will see you, we will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you, until mom and dad can hold you*
You'll just have heaven before we do
You'll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little baby, it's hard to understand it
Cause we are hurting, we are hurting
But there is healing, and we know we're stronger people
Through the growing, and in knowing

All things work together for our good
And God works his purposes
Just like he said he would, just like he said he would


I can't imagine Heaven's lullabies
And what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing
Heaven is your home
And it's all you'll ever know, all you'll ever know


nennermommy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
nennermommy said...

Cali I tried to send you song..but it wont let me through Blog. If you want I can send through email? My email is nennerholt@gmail.com. we use this song with NILMDTS.

Matt and Stephanie said...

Your sweet family is always in my prayers. I know I don't know you, but I cry with you all the time.

Mikelle said...


Lydia said...

Cali, I love your little family! I think the walk is wonderful. Where is it held? I am so excited for you to have another little one! My cousin just lost her baby, jamie elizabeth. She was due January 1st. When i found out she lost her, i imediatley thought of you and how much strength and faith you had and still have. I look up to you very much for that.