Saturday, November 28, 2009

A few more days!

Alright, we are down to a couple more days before they induce me and we finally get to meet this little baby girl! I haven't updated the blog because I've been so busy doing all of the last minute tasks, Holiday's, getting ready to not work for 6 weeks, and Josh is trying to cram all of his school work in so that he can take a while off to be with Oakland and I so the computer has been occupied. And even after all of that, I still don't feel ready!

These past couple of days have been really emotional for me. All of the feelings that I thought I felt strongly still, are hitting me really hard. I cry- a lot. I miss Mac. The strongest feeling that I have is the feeling I had the day we were sent home from the hospital. The last day I was in the Hospital was without Mac. The nurses had come and taken his little body away and then it was just a matter of time before they sent us home. I remember Josh going down and getting the car, my Mom, Tyler, and Laura walking down with me and all of the beautiful flowers we had gotten...and my hands empty.

I will never forget the feelings I had when Josh and I walked up the 3 flights of stairs to our apartment. It's all a blur- except the very emotional feelings that I don't think I will ever get out of my head and my heart. I remember stopping at the top of the stairs, dreading to go in the house because that would make it real. I was home, without my baby that I had waited for so long to bring with me. I didn't want to walk past the nursery because that would mean looking inside to see all of Mac's unused baby items. Josh turned back to me, grabbed my hand and told me it would all be alright- he was there for me. On our door was a sign from his family welcoming us home and when we opened the door both of our parents were there.

I don't think I ever thanked any of our family for that day- I do remember every little detail but at that moment didn't think to thank them for all they had done. They had cleaned our house- and I mean deep cleaned. They had stocked our fridge, freezer and cupboards with food and snacks. And in the mean time, still been taking care of Josh and I at the hospital. They were exactly what I needed when I was missing Mac so much.

All I know is that the experience I had with Mac will be so different than this experience I will have with Oakland. Both of them are going to be life changing events for me... feelings, moments, memories that I will never forget and will cherish forever! But. I will sure be glad to bring a baby home from the Hospital with me this time!!

24 comments:

The Eyre Family said...

I am so excited for you guys! I am sure your anxiety is high but I have faith that God will help you through this! Please email me your address so I can send you all something for Oakland!

Becca said...

Hi Cali,

I don't remember how I found your blog but I started reading shortly after you guys lost your Mac. I am so excited that you are so close to bringing home baby Oakland. What a bittersweet time this must be for you and your entire family.

I wanted you to know that I am praying for all of you. I know that angels will be surrounding you and I wish you and your family the absolute best!

Much Love,
Becca

Parker's Paradise said...

So excited for you!! I can't wait to see pictures of your beautiful baby girl!!

Amy said...

Cali, I talked to your mom yesterday, and she told me about your induction. I am SO excited for you. Mike and I have been praying for you, and we can't wait to see pictures of baby Oakland!

bryce and kianna said...

We love you guys and are so excited for you. We can't wait to meet her.

Waggoner Family said...

Cali,
I found your blog right after you lost Mac. I have kept up with you and I am so exited for you and Josh. I know that our Heavenly Father will bless you and your new little girl. I can't wait to see pictures of her. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers during this new chapter of your life.
Love from Oklahoma,
Robyn
P.S. we may be related. I am related to Clark and Kathy Hinckley. (small world)

Mommason Hillary said...

Oh Happy Day! The world will be a brighter day - she'll bring a little freckle from Mac for you I know!

Melissa said...

This is one of your many stalkers, I commented a long time ago but I wanted to again.

I wish you the best in your delivery. It will be such a spiritual experience knowing Mac is so close by. Thank you so much for journaling about your experiences. You are such an inspiration to all of us. I can't wait to see pics. Are thoughts and prayers are with you, Melissa.

Sara said...

I am so excited for you and can't wait to see pictures of your beautiful little girl. I wish you the best through your labor and delivery and know you will be in my prayers!

Erin said...

I can't wait to hold little Oakland! Only a few more days!

Jennifer said...

Cali-
Last year, on August 18th, you and Josh came to IMC to speak to a group of photographers from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. I was one of them and was so touched by your words and your son. I remember hearing that you'd started a blog and felt that I should write it down.

I was 20 weeks pregnant at the time and found out just a few days later that our son would not live long.

He lived 90 minutes and it's been a struggle for me since.

Your blog has helped me. Thank you for sharing your feelings.

I hope all goes well with your daughter and that she will arrive safe and sound.

- Jennifer

www.thelittlestclark.blogspot.com

Lance, Tiff n Ash said...

We miss you guys! Words cant explain how excited we are for you two! Good luck, and let us know when we can come meet the lil princess :)

Hinckley Family said...

Is it Tuesday yet?????? I am so anxious!

Maines said...

Cali-

I commented a little while ago and have continued to follow your blog over the last month and a half. I wish you the very best with your new baby. I hope and pray all goes well with your delivary. We lost our baby on 10/19/09. I was 37 weeks and they dont know why he passed away. He is actually burried up by your baby Mac. You have such strong faith and courage to be where you are now. I hope I will be as couragous as you are. I am interested in who the specialist is that you are seeing. If you have a minutes, my email is jaymieolsen@yahoo.com

Our prayers are with you,
Jaymie
markandjaymiemaines.blogspot.com

Chris said...

Good Luck tomorrow!! We can't wait to see her!
Love ya! Lindsey

Farnworth Family said...

Yay!! You're little one is almost here. I will be thinking of you and can't wait too see pics of this little bundle of joy!

Colin and Ranie said...

You know, I can see Oakland getting ready for her big debut, still able to communicate with her older brother Mac. Mac telling her it will be okay and how lucky she is to come to you. You are so wonderful and I can't wait for you to hold little Oakland in your arms. All our love and best wishes for TOMORROW! We can't wait to see her, hold her and love her to pieces too.

Matt and Stephanie said...

Your family is in my prayers. Everything is going to go Beautifully! I'm sure Mac gave his little sister a great big hug and kiss before she came (comes) and one was for her and one for you and your husband. So every time you hold her you know your getting a hug from both your kiddos :)

AMy said...

I follow your sister-in-laws blog and was beyond thrilled to see that you have delievered a beautiful baby girl. I am so happy for you! Even though we have never met, your story touched my life. I admire you deeply and wish you all the best!

The Brady Bunch said...

Cali, Josh, and Baby Oakland,
We love you guys so much and we are ecstatic for you little bundle! Cali you are my hero and always will be. I have so much love and the upmost respect for you. I bet Mac is missing friend but constantly being the big brother and watching over her and you guys. We are so glad everything went well. Again we love you!!!
Love the Brady's

Anonymous said...

Cali and Josh - I stumbled across your blog shortly after you lost your baby Mac, and have been following it ever since (I actually left a message, but it didn't go through). First of all, thank you so much for sharing such a private and emotional experience with others...you both are amazing and I have the utmost respect for you both to share your story!

Upon finding your blog, I had just found out I was pregnant again...then found out shortly thereafter that I had been carrying twins. Unfortunately, one of them was lost a few weeks earlier in the pregnancy. And the crushing blow came at my first doctor's appointment that I would be miscarrying the second baby. Didn't know when, just would be soon. It was a week to the day, on Halloween night last year.

I remember feeling so sad and such an unbearable pain...but remembered you and what you had gone through. I am so thankful that God took my little angels when he did, as I do not think that I could have handled losing them later on as you did.

I was just at the final week of my first trimester when I lost them. To make the situation that much more harder, I actually saw my baby when I miscarried...A tiny little baby with eyes, a brain, a spine, and the beginning of hands/arms, feet/legs. An image I will never forget...It took me a long time to deal with it and I still am emotional when I think about it. Losing a baby, at any stage in a pregnancy or thereafter, is just unmeasurable pain.

However, your story has touched me greatly and I thank you so much for keeping your blog open for others to see and read. I have found great comfort in knowing that you both have a new baby girl to love, in addition to Mac. Congratulations!!! It gives me hope that I too will one day become pregnant again, as we've been trying for nearly a year now with no luck. I know that I will be a mommy again one day...

I really cannot tell you thank you enough! Again, congratulations on the birth of Oakland - I truly believe that Mac is watching over all of you and although he is not with you physically, he is forever in your hearts.

Jessica
wiljes322@yahoo.com

Natalie said...

Horray! We are so excited for you! We'll be checking back to see pictures of the little princess.

--Dave and Natalie Underwood

Anonymous said...

Cali and Josh....I follow your sister in law (Josh's sisters) blog. I saw the pictures of Oakland and was amazed how much she looks like Mac!! I was so thrilled to see you holding that precious baby. I am sure it was the scariest day of your life.

Thank you so much for sharing your private emotional journey with people you do not even know. I found your blog shortly after you lost Mac and it has been such an inspiration to me and so many others.

Oh....words can not express how happy I am for you and your whole family. I hope you are feeling well and can not wait to see Oakland grow up.

Please know that on Tuesday there were many many people who were praying for you and they continue to do so every day. Thank you again for letting me, a person you do not even know, into your private life. It has touched me in so many ways.

Meredith~

Karen said...

Cali,

We need pictures of that baby on here! I officially feel like a stalker! I was totally on that chat feature on UL Express and asking how it had gone for you! Now I am blog stalking to find baby pictures! :) You are such an amazing girl and you really are an inspiration. Your husband seems like an awesome guy and that little baby girl is going to have her daddy SO obsessed with her! Enjoy that snugly little baby!