Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Mac is going to be a big brother!!

You heard me right… I’m pregnant! I have so many feelings about this topic that I don’t even know where to start, so I’ll just start with the details. I am 17 weeks along and we have been to 3 Dr. appointments, all of which have been terrifying, exciting, breathtaking, and crazy. I have to say that my Dr. has been amazing and totally understanding of the situation. He knows that my nerves are totally out of wack and is doing everything he can to help me get through that part of the pregnancy. He isn’t the same Dr we had when I delivered Mac but at the first appointment he just sat down with us and talked about everything. It made Josh and I feel so good and I trust him completely now. That same appointment he let us do an ultrasound so that we could see AND hear the heartbeat- our baby just looked like a little peanut at the time and while I was nervous for that appointment, I think I was more nervous to find a Dr. that I liked and just verifying that the test was right!

At our second appointment we just listened to the heartbeat, talked about how we were doing, and our Dr. told us that he would be willing to take me 2-3 weeks early depending on my nerves, if I developed preeclampsia again, and if the babies lungs were fully developed. I was telling Josh that I honestly was nervous for those appointments, but it was never the beginning of the pregnancy that scared me because that went so smoothly for me. This last appointment was another story.

I went in yesterday, right on my 17 week mark and the two days before I started to get really…. Afraid and anxious. I just kept telling Josh that I needed everything to be ok. I needed the reassurance that we’d made it 4 more weeks. I realized that I was starting to get attached to this little one and didn’t want to, afraid of loving so much and so hard- then losing so suddenly. I know the chances of the same thing happening are so unlikely but I had the worst anxiety and ended up crying all night, afraid for the next morning. When we got to the Dr. I was still just so nervous- it took everything I had to hold back tears, I just needed to see or hear a heartbeat. I’ve realized that Ultrasounds are my biggest fear now.

Josh kept telling me to stop bouncing my knee or doing whatever I was doing because it was making him so nervous. When the Dr. came in he just started to look for the gender to see if we could tell what it was, and I was not even slightly interested because I hadn’t seen the heartbeat yet. As soon as he showed it to us- a wave of relief came and I just started balling. I turned to Josh and said “good thing”- he laughed but we both knew that I was not kidding. Lol.

That brings me to our next bit of good news…IT’S A GIRL!!!!!

I have pictures, but don’t have a scanner to get them on to my computer so will post them shortly. Because I’m only 17 weeks, we didn’t get to do the full ultrasound so that’ll be our next appointment- when I’m 21 weeks but our Dr. did do a couple of measurements, enough to tell us that she’s in the 66 percentile for height so far and is measuring within 5 days of her due date- December 17th. Which means that she’s healthy!!

I kind of thought that getting pregnant would, not replace Mac, but I think we all thought it would take away some of that pain… I can tell you that it didn’t take away any feelings about what happened. I still miss Mac, I still wish he was here, and I still cry for him. What it has changed though is the chance that I get to be a Mom- here on this earth. I’ll finally get to have that baby that I’ve been waiting for and that I expected to have a year ago. I am glad that we are having a little girl too because her and Mac are two different people, different spirits- she’s not here to replace him in any way and I’m nervous that if I had a boy, he naturally would. I am excited to be a Mom of a little boy and a little girl!!!

86 comments:

HollySteffen said...

congrats. i bet mac is just as excited as you are. i am so beyond happy for you and your family. --holly, a follower from ny.

Brock, Heather and Ethan said...

Congrats!! I am a follower from Roy, UT and I tickled PINK! For you guys!! Congrats once again! I will keep you in my prayers!!!

Blake and Jeri said...

I heard you were pregnant and I am so happy for you and that you will be having a girl. You may not know that Blake's mom died while Blake was on his mission and when I was pregnant with both of my kids I used to imagine that she was playing with my baby until it came down to us. I can imagine that is what your boy is doing right now! Congrats Cali and Josh!!!!

EJNielsen said...

Dear Cali, I served my mission in Ohio with Erin and Mike and have followed your story for a long time. First let me tell you how excited I am for you and Josh and congrats! You are so strong and I can only imagine how nervous you must be. I miscarried between my boys so when I got pregnant again I was like you all worried and stressed out. But everything is fine now and they are healthy and strong. I always hold at least one of the close any time I read Mac's story. I watched your husband play his last game while he was here in Hawaii. I was thinking of your family and how Mac was watching his dad play. I wish you all the best with this new little one. Remember that you are never alone. We love you!
The Nielsens in Paradise aka Hawaii

Cheri said...

I found your blog after my little girl died in October (stillborn, full-term as well). I'm so happy for you. You give people like me hope! Congrats on the girl.

Carley said...

Cali,
congratulations! What a lucky little girl to have such amazing parents. have you guys thought about names?

Anonymous said...

cali,

I am so happy for you and Josh, what exciting news! When I lost my baby boy and we were told we were adopting our first child after that I was thankful it was a girl. I never wanted to hear " you finally got your boy". You will LOVE having a little girl. I now have 2, they are the best!!

good luck with everything, espcially the next few months in your pregnancy!!

The Eyre Family said...

Congratulations! I couldn't wait for you all to announce this! We are still praying for you all..we've just added someone extra to pray for! ;-) So happy for you!!

Sara said...

Congratulations! I have been reading your blog for a while and I am so happy for you guys!

I had pre-e with my son, who I delivered at 26 weeks. We lost him after 5 days. Now I am getting ready to deliver my daughter and I haven't had any problems with pre-e! So hopefully that is one thing you won't have to worry about this time around.

Congrats again! So happy for you! And I am sure Mac is excited to be a big brother!

Parker's Paradise said...

Yea!!!! Such a blessing! I am so happy for you that I just can't stand it! I've been following your blog for awhile now and I am just so excited for you that it brings tears to my eyes! Congratulations!!!

Ashlea said...

Even though we've never met, and probably never will, I follow your blog (it's in my Google Reader) and every time I see you've made a new posting I've been hoping that it's to announce that great news! I'm so happy and excited for you, and it brought me a wave of relief. I know I'm not that old, but with the fertility problems that we have, I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever be pregnant and carry a child. It makes me really happy to see that good, responsible people are bringing children into the world though, and I look forward to hearing all about this sweet little one! Congrats!

AnneMarie said...

Nate, Joshua and I couldn't be any happier for you. Mac and your little girl are so lucky to have you as a mom. Can't wait to see you and your little Christmas baby!

April said...

I am so happy for you. I can only imagine all those emotions.I know when I get pregnant again it will be terrifying and amazing all wrapped up in one. you'll be in our prayers. GOod luck and congrats on a girl.

kassyspainhower said...

Cali,
I know you and I don't know each other, but we share a special bond that nobody wants to share. I don't remember how I found your blog, but I have been following it for sometime now and I am so excited you are pregnant!
I also had a still born because of preeclampsia. I was 33 weeks when I got really sick and was rushed to the er. We waited 5 years to try again and I am very happy to say in Nov, I delivered a happy healthy boy! I was so nervous through the entire pregnancy, but everything went better than expected. My dr had told me she would deliver me early and I even had the steroid shots to make sure his longs were developed incase we needed to, but he came all on his own Nov 29, 2008.
I also wanted to comment on having the opposite sex the second time. I felt the same way, I didn't want this one to take the place of our angel and I think it really helped me that he was a boy!
You will be in my thoughts and prayers and I can't wait for updates!
Best wishes,
Kassy

Anonymous said...

Cali,
You dont know me but I have been following your blog for sometime now. You are such a darling couple. I just love it when you have a new post and this 1 just brought tears to my eyes. I am so happy for you & your hubby.
Congratulations!!!
Wendy

A.V.A said...

Congrats!!! I am so happy for you. You gorgeous baby boy and my daughter are 7 days apart. I lost a child back in 2005. I am so excited for you and your husband and big brother Mac!

Shontelle said...

Congratulations!!! I'm so excited for the two of you! My husband Bryce played basketball with Josh. I found you blog a while back and have been amazed at how strong you both are!!! Congrats on the new baby girls:)

Chris Linds & Maddie said...

YEAH!!!!! I knew it was a girl! I'm so happy for you guys! I'm glad everything is ok. Can't wait to see the pictures!

Marc and Megan said...

Congratulations, Cali! I'm glad that you've been blessed with a smooth pregnancy so far and you'll be in my prayers that everything will continue to go smoothly. I totally know the extremely mixed emotions that come with pregnancy after experiencing such a tragic loss. I worry about how I'll be able to function like a sane human being if/when I ever get pregnant again.

Please just know how happy I am for this blessing to have come to you and know that you'll be in my prayers.

love and hugs to you,
Megan

Elizabeth said...

Cali,
I was directed to your blog last summer, when our little girl was stillborn a few weeks after Mac. (A year ago today actually.)
Our new little son will be two weeks tomorrow, and I just want to assure you that the pregnancy after a loss like this is so full of emotion and anxiety, but it all truns out in the end. It won't diminish Mac's place in your family, or your missing him... but it does help you heal!
Best wishes!!!!
Elizabeth

Allred Mom said...

Cali,
Congratulations to you, Josh and Mac!
Like many others, even though you don't know me, I have been following your blog. I am so happy and excited for you. May the emotions that you feel, also have peace with them.
Rachel

Amy said...

Oh, Cali! (This is Amy Johnson, Mike's wife.) I am so THRILLED for you. I have prayed frequently for you and Josh to be able to add another little one to your family. It's bringing tears to my eyes. I will continue to pray that everything goes well and that you will be able to have peace of mind.

Stephanie said...

Congrats to all three of you! You guys are amazing and what great news to get right after Macs 1st birthday. I am sure the two of them are playing until the time comes for to get an earthly body. That will be a sad day for Mac, but I am sure he knows it will only be time until you guys are all reunited as one family in heaven. I was so excited to read your post, its amazing and you both deserve a nice easy pregnancy. Good luck to you, Josh, and Mac when welcoming that new little girl on this earth. My prayers are with you and your family.

MeKell and Aaron said...

Congratulations!!! We are so happy for you guys! I think Aaron (Beav) was telling me that your Dr is the same one that we had. He delivered me and was great. I'm slightly jealous that you are having a girl too...only because whenever I pass the baby clothes section in stores, I want to buy all the cute frilly things. They just don't have quite as much for boys. ;-) Congratulations again, I admire your strength and faith, you guys are always in our prayers.

Breezi said...

Congrats! I am so happy for you guys!

I have been following your blog for a while now (I am from the same home ward as Bryson's birth mother)

I can't wait to continue reading about your sweet family's journey :)

Sarah Carr said...

Oh, I am so glad for you! You will be (and are) the best mom ever! I've known about this for a while (I guess the 6th ward isn't the best at keeping secrets), but I am still just so giddy for you!!!

Rachel said...

When Josh called me with the news that it's a girl, I couldn't help it, I had to go shopping. I bought the cutest little outfit for your little girl. I was debating between 2 others when I noticed this one shoved in the back hiding. I pulled it out and NEW it was meant for your little girl. I am way excited you give it to you:)

Christine said...

Wow this is such exciting and awesome news! Congratulations Cali and Josh! I can't wait for your little girl to be here and in your arms. I know nothing can take your nerves away during the pregnancy, but when you have those glimpses and moments of peace, hang on to them and enjoy them:) I know Mac is with your sweet baby girl and getting lots of big brother time in with her before she's all yours. Congratulations again! Keep your blogging "friends and family" up to date:)

-Christine
http://www.monkeycbaby.etsy.com

The Wood Family said...

Congrats! I am so happy for you. Good luck and we will be keeping you in our thoughts and prayers!!!

Shay said...

Cali, I'm Sarah Larsen's good friend/neighbor & I just want to tell you I am so happy for you! You don't even know me but you have definately been in my prayers. I'm often asking Sarah how you are doing & check your blog once in a while because I think you are such a strong mother & example. I am so excited for you!! Girls are so much fun!!

Chelsy said...

Josh and Cali,
We are so excited for you. You and the baby will be in our prayers, not just for the baby's health but also for your peace of mind and heart. CONGRATULATIONS

TAYBEL said...

We are so excited! She is going to be one beautiful little girl...inside and out.

Anonymous said...

Josh and Cali, I delivered my stillborn little boy at 35 weeks the same day as Mac. I too, am now expecting. I completely understand every emotion that you are feeling - anxiety, fear, excitement- It can be very overwhelming. Know that I am praying for you and the safe arrival of your little girl.
Andrea - WI

Kirsten said...

I have been following your blog and just amazed at how strong you are. I am so happy for you and Josh and can not wait to follow you through this next chapter in your life!

I am following from Mishawaka, IN.

Teresa said...

Been checking frequently for this post, I just knew it was coming. Congratulations on your new baby and praying for you.

Teresa

Mike and Bree said...

CONGRATS!!! I'm SO happy for you guys!!! I started bawling when I read your post. You guys will be (are) great parents!! Congrats again!

bryce and kianna said...

We are so excited for you. She is going to be adorable and I can't wait to meet her! Your are an amazing mother. Just know you are always in our thoughts and prayers. Love you guys!!!!!

Erin said...

Congrats again guys! I started crying when I got Josh's text about it being a girl! I'm sure that Mac is up there being the best big brother to her right now and telling her how lucky she is to get to have you two for parents. I'm glad Zoey will have a little play buddy her age. That will be fun!

Rylie said...

Congrats to you guys! My husband and I rented a doppler that saved me. There have been days where I check it multiple times, but I figure that is better then having added anxiety. I hope everything goes smoothly for you guys!

The Kims said...

Man! there are so many comments on this thing! I hope you get around to reading mine, haha. I'm SO excited for you!! You're due the day before my first anniversary, haha! That's so awesome. YOu're going to be such a good mom. I think that you already are a great mom, actually. you're amazing!

The Pollards said...

Cali & Josh,

Your worries are totally valid. I have been reading your blog since the loss of my twin girls in September and after meeting Julie Williams who connected me to you. Like you I am currently 15 weeks pregnant and am worried sick every day and every appointment. I know our situations vary medically, however we both are able to be parents to angels. I know there is a benchmark for me (18 weeks is when everything always seems to go wrong) and once I pass that I hope it will be better. Set a goal not a timeline, but a goal, small ones and hopefully you will make it through. Congratulations and Mac is beaming right now I know it.

Henich Family said...

Cali I am so excited for you guys! Little girls are SO much fun. She is so lucky to have you guys as her mom and dad.

zachsmom said...

Cali,

I have been following your blog for over a year now, I can't tell you how happy I am to hear that you are pregnant. Congratulations!!

Lance, Tiff n Ash said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lance, Tiff n Ash said...

Ive been wondering when you guys were gonna announce it officially on your blog. We're soo excited for you two! And a girl!! Thats awesome! You'll be INCREDIBLE parents.. You already are! We need to play again soon... Love you guys.

devon spec said...

i'm sitting at my computer crying! CONGRATS (from somebody that doesn't even know you,.) :)

Travis & Kira Evans said...

Congrats! I'm so happy for you guys. Hope everything goes well. :)

Waggoner Family said...

Cali,
I have been following your blog for awhile and I am so happy for you! I am praying for you and your little girl. Love from Oklahoma!
Robyn Waggoner
p.s. are you related to Clark Hinckley?

Kindra said...

Josh & Cali,
You don't know me but I have followed your blog since I was introduced to Baby Mac's blog through a friend. I just want to let you know that I am so happy for you! My husband and I suffer from infertiltiy and even though it's differant, I know what longing for a child feels like. You two, along with baby Mac are such great examples to so many people.

Sunflwr508 said...

YAY! Congrats to ALL of you! I am so excited for you all and pray for peace for you, and for everything to go smoothly throughout the rest of your pregnancy! So exciting!!
~Mandy

Brittany and Nate said...

I am so excited for you guys! I am a friend of lindsey barfuss and I found your blog through hers. I have been following your blog for a while and I have been waiting to see this good news! We will be praying for a heathly pregancy and delivery for you and your baby girl! We couldn't be happier for you two! I am sure mac is up there loving on his baby sister and telling her what great parents she has.

Brad and Liz said...

I am so happy for you two. My name is Liz, I grew up in Josh's ward. I have followed your blog and cried with you. I am so happy you are pregnant with a little girl. Good luck with everything, and know that you'll be in my prayers.

LeAnn said...

Cali, I have been following your blog since the loss of your little boy Mac, and just let me say I couldn't be happier to hear that you guys are pregnant! Congrats, you are going to be a great mom!

Sara said...

Congrats! I am so happy for you. Girls are fun! Hormonal from birth but fun. I hope that she can be your best friend. I wish you the best through the remainder of your pregnancy. God Bless!

Marni said...

Now we have to have a GIRL baby shower! I saw the cutest baby clothes the other day, now I have someone to get them for. Yes!!!

Nikki said...

Congratulations on the baby!!! You will love having a baby girl! What a lucky girl, she has a big brother to look after her. Make sure you make use of priesthood blessings, they will really help you feel more at peace. You are in our prayers and we can't wait to see your little Christmas miracle!

jenna said...

i'm a total stranger that has followed your story over the last year. this post made me cry. i couldn't be more thrilled for you. i will keep you in my prayers.

rachel merkley said...

my sister stumbled on your blog, she called me bawling, then we bawled over the phone together, my other sister came over and I bawled again with her. We're touched by your faith, strength, and your story. I've learned to appreciate my children more and had never connected a death like yours to our savior's sacrifice. My testimony is stronger because of you both. Thank you for sharing, and congrats on the girl. My girls have brought me much joy and fun, and I hope the time flys by for you to hold her in your arms safe and sound!

I think I would be freaked out if I knew this many people had been blog stalking me, so I'm sorry for that also.

Beard Family said...

Yay! I am so happy for you. We will continue to keep your family in our prayers.

Cami (Alex's old teacher)

lindsay said...

congratulations cali! so exciting! you are a wonderful person and a fabulous mom :-)

Kristi J said...

I am so very happy for you guys! I've been reading your blog (though haven't commented) for a while now. My heart just soared to hear your wonderful news! I just had this feeling for the last month or so...like I was expecting to see you make such an announcement. Many congrats!!

Kristi

Tasha said...

I am so happy for you:) Congratulations! I too am amazed by your strength and faith, and have learned so much from your family and experiences. Thank you.

TALKER'S said...

Josh and Cali- Congratulations from the Talker's!!! What a wonderful blessing. I never can thank the Lord enough for our little girl, I know you two will be great parents!! Congrats once again.

Scott and Amy said...

Yeah congrats Cali and Josh!!! that is so exciting!!! I hope your 1st trimester went well and I hope everything else is going great too!!! I'm excited your having a little girl that will be so fun!

The Musings Of Mothers said...

So happy for your news!! I have been following your story for a long time.. I was waiting for this post and hoping it would happen for you soon.. Congrats!!

P Family

Kylee said...

Congrats! I have been praying for you, and will continue to do so!

Mommason Hillary said...

Girls are a riot! Stock up on tons of pink! Congrats!!! (You know Mac picked out a good one for you to send down!!)

Justin and Tasha said...

Congrats ! You dont know me but like so many other people I am very touched by your story. Your strength amazes me every time I read your blog. I to am due in Dec. (15 weeks) and feel the same anxiety just because... Im sure your Dr. is great and will give you all the reasurance you need to bring this healthy baby girl into this world. I know you are and will be a great mother and your husband will be a great father. Know Mac will never be replaced, and he will always have a very special place in everyones heart !
God Bless you though this pregnancy.

Melissa said...

Just like a lot of people on here- you don't know me, but my husband and I are friends of Mike and Erin's. We have followed your blog throughout the year and we have shed countless tears. I have spent a lot of time on my knees praying for your family and thanking my Heavenly Father for my girls. Your story has made me more grateful for the little things I get to experience with my children and has helped me be a little more patient with them- so THANK YOU!! CONGRATS on being pregnant, that is awesome!! Your family will continue to be in my thought and prayers!! Best of Luck!!

Anonymous said...

Like many others...you don't know me, but I am so relieved and excited for you. It truly is through the greatest sorrow that we can experience the greatest happiness...you deserve all the best! Congratulations!

Jeff and Bethany said...

Josh and Cali,
You don't really know me, I've only met you once. I played sports at UVU and knew Josh through SAAC. I have followed your blog and cried many times while reading... I just wanted to say congratulations on your new little one! I am sure you will make a wonderful mommy :)

Hinckley Family said...

I AM SO GLAD THIS IS PUBLIC NEWS NOW! I am sure that your feelings are all over the place with this new baby, I will just re-assure you your not going crazy, you have every right to be anxious, every right to be nervous and every other feeling you are having. I am so glad to hear that you are excited and are getting attached to your little girl. I am so excited for my first little niece on this side of the family!!!!! I could just scream and cry with excitement! She will be spoiled so rotten and you will love it! We miss baby Mac too, he has changed our lives forever and love him for it.
Love
Zack and Heather

Suzana said...

I have been following your blog for almost a year now, inspired and touched by your story, your faith, and you perseverance. You are truly an amazing couple, and even though you don't know me, I just wanted to tell you how much I admire you. I am so happy for you and this pregnancy! You're amazing!

Mikelle said...

I have been following your blog for quite sometime! I have been so touched by your story and your faith! You truly are amazing women. I'm so happy for you guys and wish the BEST for you! Girls are so much fun! I just had a baby girl in december. I have been waiting to hear the news that you were pregnant again! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Congrats Mikelle

Ashley said...

CONGRATULATIONS CALI!!!!! I'm excited for you! Yay! :) Keep going strong!

Tukuafu's said...

Wow.. you don't know me. Yes, I am one of "those" that follow and let me tell you the joy I felt when I read your post. You are such an inspiration to us all! Reading your thoughts, struggles and just life in general has impressed me so much! I just want you to know that you inspire me and what a beautiful woman and mother you are. Mac and that sweet little girl are lucky to have you as a mother and Josh as a Daddy! Congratulations on your pregnancy.. I am praying for you guys and can't wait to ride along on the adventure!!

P.s. My little brother, Ben Lloyd went to school with your hubby : )

Aubree and Josh said...

Cali and Josh we are so very excited for you guys. Everything will turn out great. And I can understand you being nervous. But we are here for you if you need anything at all. Congrats!!!!!!
Love you guys and we pray for you guys!

windhula said...

Congratulations! Yipee!

Anonymous said...

Congrats on having a baby! You are going to be the most amazing mother ever!!
I had my son a very young age 9 years ago, and now can not have any more babies. Give your baby a big kiss and hug for me..

Anonymous said...

Yeah, A friend of a friend of yours told me about your blog and I have been checking every now and then and hoping that you are pregnant. I am soo soo soo happy for you. Congratulations. Nicole

Matt and Stephanie said...

Im so happy for you,your family is in my prayers!

Denise and Brandon said...

Congratulations! I have been waiting for this news from you guys. I can not wait for you to have your little girl and experience the INCREDIBLE amount of joy that you so deserve. As great as your pain was/is...so great will be your joy.

Anonymous said...

Hi Josh and Cali! I am, once again, another "you don't know me" post. I was directed to your blog through a mutual acquaintance. Having been through the stillbirth experience with a friend a few years ago, I have been so completely attached to your story. I have cried many a tear while following your story and I thank you for sharing your personal thoughts. I'm forever changed again. Congratulations! My joy for you and your precious daughter is as much as if I've known you all my life. Best of luck to your family on your road to "Happily Ever After!"

Jessica said...

Congratulations!!! I am so excited for you both.

Mandy said...

You don't know me, but I found your blog through a friends right around the time of your loss. I just wanted to say congratulations on being pregnant again and I hope that things go better for you and your husband this time around.

Tori said...

Congratulations! We are so excited that you guys are going to have a baby! She will be a beautiful baby just like her brother. We hope everything is well with you guys. Get lots of rest. =)

~Chad & Tori Kramer