Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Tagged by TJ

I got tagged by tj a little while ago but haven't gotten around to doing it so I finally decided I would sit down and share my 3 joys, fears, goals, current obsessions, and random facts...

3 Joys

-Josh just happens to be the love of my life. In case anyone didn't notice! :) He's been my best friend since the day I met him and I wouldn't trade him for anything in the whole entire world! He definitely has to be my greatest Joy here on this earth...and that leads me to my next joy--

-McKallister! I enjoy looking at pictures of him, listening to others memories of him, dreaming of him, think about every single moment I had with him, and visiting his grave.

-Flowers and mushrooms... :) if anyone hasn't read my mom's post you gotta check it out- she claims I hate the mushrooms on Mac's grave but I secretly enjoy having something that I need to take care of.

3 Fears

-Well right now all of my fears kinda reflect off of what happened 9 weeks ago....I'm going to lump them into one large fear because everything else that used to scare me in my life seems like nothing now! I have a fear of not being able to get pregnant again, losing another precious child, losing my husband or a family member I love, becoming a wreck when josh leaves for baseball trips (he is currently the only thing keeping me going right now), or forgetting what I have learned from McKallister.

3 Goals

-scrapbook every memory I have of Mac (and if anyone knows how very crafty I am -those last three words should be read as sarcastically as you can- they will know how hard this goal will be for me)

- Learn how to cook just one good meal for Josh without burning, mixing in a wrong ingredient, leaving an ingredient out, oblonging it (that one is for tj) or taking over 2 hours to finally finish it.

- Exercise on a regular basis and get in shape!

3 Current obsessions

- Hanging out with family members

- Visiting Mac's grave

- Ice Cream and lemonade (not together of course but I didn't just want to say food! :) )

3 Random Facts

-I ate gushers for breakfast lunch and dinner the first 3 months I was pregnant

- I pass out every time I see my own blood but other peoples doesn't seem to effect me in the slightest

- I can out-run my Husband!! :) love you babe...

Friday, August 22, 2008

Grandpa and Josh

This is my Mom's Dad- Grandpa Scott. He is one of the greatest people I know and I love him so much! He's always treated me exactly how a Grandpa should treat a Granddaughter and I am so impressed with the way that he treats Josh. Josh and him just clicked when we got married and I am so lucky that they have such a strong relationship. Yesterday we were able to have dinner with him and Grandma (who is also just as amazing) and afterwards Grandpa taught Josh how to use a lathe? I don't even know if that's how you spell it, let alone what it does. Anyways Josh did an amazing job and hasn't finished his project but got very far on it. Josh is absolutely in LOVE with Grandpa's shop that he built and all the cool tools that are in it- so thanks Grandpa for sharing!! We love you!!!

Sunday, August 17, 2008


The Things I Just LOVE About My Cali Lou

• I LOVE the way you love me.
• I LOVE how you always want me to be happy.
• I LOVE how happy you always are.
• I LOVE how beautiful you are.
• I LOVE your smile.
• I LOVE how you are with kids.
• I LOVE how you care for everyone.
• I LOVE how you care for me.
• I LOVE how you don’t mind the house being messy.
• I LOVE how you enjoy watching me play baseball.
• I LOVE how you enjoy just being with me.
• I LOVE how you snuggle up to me at nights.
• I LOVE that you talk in your sleep.
• I LOVE that you help me make right decisions.
• I LOVE that you still love me when I make poopy decisions.
• I LOVE that you enjoy being with yours and my family.
• I LOVE that you don’t care what we do together as long as we’re together.
• I LOVE the way you make me feel when we are together and when we're not.
• I LOVE how you help me with my homework.
• I LOVE how you will play basketball with me.
• I LOVE how you love to hang out with AL.
• I LOVE how AL loves you more than anyone else besides MUUMMMY.
• I LOVE how you want to be a MOM.
• I LOVE that you want to stay home and be a MOM.
• I LOVE that you love MAC, even though we haven’t heard him laugh or cry.
• I LOVE that you still cry and want to hold MAC.
• I LOVE that you understand where MAC is.
• I LOVE that you understand that we will see MAC again.
• I LOVE that you are excited about seeing and raising MAC later.
• I LOVE that you want to be an eternal family.
• I LOVE that you help me be worthy so we can be together forever.
• I LOVE that you want me by your side.
• I LOVE how you let me help you when times are tough.
• I LOVE that you are not afraid just to be you.
• I LOVE that you know who you are.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Our last 3 weeks with McKallister

So I've been having a hard time writing what I want to about this experience and so I just thought I'd share what we have been doing and how we have been handling everything. On the day that Mac would have been one month we got together with our family and had a little Birthday party for McKallister. We went up to his grave and had cupcakes and sang happy birthday, and then just played and hung out together. I have been so grateful for my families support and being so willing to come to things like this...it's helped me more then anything else.

The next Tuesday I decided I was ready to clean out his room...good thing for Mom's and Sister's! My sister being the photographer she is of course took pictures for me of things I had set up in Mac's room or items that he would have used. That was amazing for me and I am so glad that she has the talent she does. My Mom really did all the packing away for me. I just handed her clothes, toys, stuffed animals, picture frames, shoes, diapers, bath toys, etc. and she organized them and seperated them into boxes. After she was done with that I decided that I just couldn't part with taking the crib down or the changing table so that is still set up in his room. I didn't think it would be hard to pack everything up because he hadn't used any of it yet...but I guess I never realized how much I visualized how everything would have been. I imagined myself changing him at night into cute little pj's with his baseball lamp turned on, or trying to make him smile in his crib with a little stuffed animal. I even imagined changing all those poopy diapers and honestly miss the chance to do that...

My family and friends in the last month and a half not only showed their love through staying up for countless hours to comfort Josh and I, traveling miles to see a nephew and cousin, delivering flowers to brighten up my room and mood, created a blog in memory of Mac, offered blessings of comfort, made blankets for me and McKallister to share, allowed me to share in the sealing of their son, entertaining me while Josh is at work, babysitting Alex so my Mom and Dad could be with me in my time of need, visit Mac’s grave, take off work to be with us, smiled and laughed when I didn’t know there was anything good in this world but they were there for us no matter what it cost them, they were our friends, they lent a listening ear, prayed for us, and think of McKallister as family.

Even though I never saw Mac alive I felt like we were best of friends and I know so much about him. I wanted to share some of the things that I remember about Mac so that you can see not only pictures but the kid behind the pictures…

Mac always had the hiccups and did not like them! He was playful- he was always moving, kicking, and rolling around, he even played pick- a-boo with us at the first ultrasound! He was terrified of zerbits (ya know, when someone blows a raspberry on your stomach to make a toot sound) whenever someone would zerbit one side of my tummy he would try to “escape” out the other side. He loved warm showers. Whenever my front would be facing the shower my stomach would be all out in front and huge, when I’d put my back in the shower I could feel him move to my back and my stomach would shrink down like there wasn’t anyone in there. If I laid on my side he would lay on the couch or bed too so that my side not touching the couch or bed was completely flat and he didn’t like when I laid on my back and would kick my spine every time I did. I will cherish and remember every trait he had while he was alive because those are the only memories I will ever have of his movements.

I find myself fighting to get past every week, day, minute, hour and second without my little one. I have faced every emotion, whether it is anger, overwhelmed, frustration, sadness, confusion, loneliness, scared, wanting, emptiness, patience, comfort, loved, hated, happiness and heartache. I still have an empty feeling every day and struggle that I will never know what it feels like to comfort my baby at night, play in the sunshine with him, kiss his chubby cheeks every day, or get him in and out of the car. It kills me to have never felt his big ol’ hands hold my finger tight, see his eyes look at mine, hear his baby cry and laugh, and I will never be able to see him smile at me. When the day ends I realize that I feel so alone and lost without Mac. I find myself promising Heavenly Father that I will be a good Mother and that I will try my best to raise my kids in the gospel and pray He will send me another little one that I can keep for this short time on earth. I beg Him to help me get past this trial and learn all that I can from it and to help me stay positive. I plead with him to help me get through one day without feeling scared and alone. But after all of those feelings I feel comfort, peace, love, and even though I miss my McKallister more then I can possibly explain I feel a small peaceful feeling. I will never be able to hold Mac again but I will always be able to feel his tender love surround me.

During this past month I faced something that I never even imagined. I questioned, I withheld, I screamed, I sat in silence, I searched for an explanation, I wished, I cry…no sob, but in the end I have learned how to love stronger, I have gained a knowledge of the atonement, I have learned how to pray from my heart, I realize that I have the honor of being with my family for eternity. I have built a foundation to qualities such as patience, faith, fortitude, and humility. I have studied the prophet’s teachings, scriptures, and talks more deeply. This has been an experience that I will never forget and even though I wish with all of my heart that it didn’t happen, I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I LOVE McKallister more than I ever imagined I could love someone and He taught me so much about family. I owe my little guy everything and am so glad that he is happy.

We got the preliminary results back from the Dr. at my 6 week appointment and learned that he had an ebrasion on the left side of his neck. From those results they would assume it was a cord accident. His umbilical cord was also 82 cm long when they are normally 60 cm so that would help support that theory. I have not gotten every detail from the autopsy back yet, I should get them back shortly. I think that I would be ok if it was a cord accident because that is not something that my body did or that my health did...I'll be sure to update everyone once we know the cause of death for sure.

Thank you everyone for your prayers and comments on or blog. Thank you every family member that has "put up with us" the last month and a half and for all of the generous things each of you has done for us. Thank you everyone who offered a smile or a hug when I was feeling down and I just want to say a big thanks to Josh...I honestly have to say that Josh has been my biggest support system and I am so glad that he has been willing to stay up with me at nights, or be the shoulder I cry on. He has cheered me up when I thought I was as low as it got and never stopped loving me. I am so glad that I married him and that he is the man he is. Basically THANK YOU to everyone that has been my friend during this time...you are all amazing and have helped Mac fulfill his mission and for that I owe you all so much.

Sorry this is such a long post and that I just kind of ramble...I'm not so good at composing my thoughts and creating even a sentence that makes sense! :) Thanks again and you'll be hearing from me shortly!

CaLiFoRnIa WiTh My HuBbY!!

Josh and I went to California two weeks ago and it was amazing!!! I really felt like we needed a trip alone and it was so good to finally be with him and not have to worry about anything else but each other. I haven't really been focused on him or our relationship as much as I would have liked to the last little while and so this trip was exactly what we needed.

We went to Disneyland the first day and of course I loved going on every ride with Josh because of his cute girl laugh and his little yelp- I wish everyone could take Josh on rides like that because he made them 10 times more fun!! Then California Adventure the next day, which is kinda like Lagoon in our opinions but bigger and crazier! Super fun. On Wednesday we woke up early and got to play at the beach and then go to an Angels game! The Angels stadium was amazing and it was an extra plus that I got to sit with Josh during a game!! I am such a huge fan of the beach that it probably was my favorite. I love the huge waves and warm sand under your feet.

Thanks Josh for spending so much time with me and always being there for me!