Monday, December 29, 2008

Loving everything about my family!

This post is a little long, so if you are feeling A.D.D.ish feel free to just look at the pictures! :)

So I've been meaning to post about this since Christmas, however, I really wanted it to be in the ground before I showed pictures of it! We celebrated Christmas Eve with the Hinckley's and I'm going to admit- it was a hard day!! All I could think about was not having a kid to open presents was pretty brutal. But if any of you know any of the Hinckley's they all have a different way of cheering you up. It's amazing. To add on to that, my Family randomly showed up to join in the festivities! yah!!

Well Santa came and I was so glad that Mike and Erin let Bryson sit on my lap. I know that he's not MY kid but it was nice to have A kid to hold while santa came in. I hope they don't mind because I'm sure that is something every Mom wants to do but it meant more than I can even express that they let me do that. When Santa was done with all of the little kids he said that he had one more present and asked Josh to come up. All I heard was, "we are short one this year aren't we", and I was in tears. They remembered Mac as one of the Grandkids! This is what was inside of McKallister's present...It's a temporary headstone!!!! Josh and I have picked out the one that we wanted but have been having a real struggle because Josh wants something there, but I want to wait for Mac's Birthday to put in the real one so this was perfect! I can not thank Santa enough for the thought that went behind this. I can not even express how selfless the members of Josh's family are- to think of us during the crazy holiday season. I've been sitting here for the last 10 minutes trying to word how I feel but there are not words. I LOVE my FAMILY!!

The day went on and there was yet another surprise. Rachel had made a dvd for Josh, Mac, and I to have for Christmas. It was pictures of the temple with recordings of our family throughout expressing their feelings to us. I can not tell you the spirit that was felt in that room as I listened to every member of my family say a little something. The entire time all I could think was, "Dang Mac, you are one lucky kid to have a family like this. How did we end up with such special people in our life".

On Christmas day I thought the tears were over...haha I had you fooled too huh? :) My Brother Colby, Dad, and Sister Taylor had made a disk of them singing a version of "I am a Child of God", but the words go along with a child that is already in Heaven who is now waiting for His family. I've been trying to figure out how to put it on Mac's blog so that everyone can listen- when it's up I'll let ya know. My big brother had then found talks/quotes of prophets and apostles saying something about those who have already passed away and placed that throughout the song. It was amazing!! My family is very talented when it comes to music and I realized then that is the best way for my Brother to help me. We have never had a sit down about everything that happened but he knew just what I needed. It was perfect.

My cute little mother then put a story in Mac's stocking. (Her and I are a lot in common and are excluded in the music talent so she found another way to make my christmas great! :)) She had written a story about Mac's first Christmas with his friends Maverick (who is buried next to Mac up at his grave) and Jesus. It was a childrens book and she did fantastic!! My Mom is totally kid geared and I think she had my future kids in mind when writing this. It is for sure one that I will keep around and Love her so much for being able to put her feelings down on paper in that way.

On Christmas day and the day after it snowed like crazy up at Mac's grave and when we had gone up there earlier the snow was up to my knees so we didn't think there was any way we would get to it for a couple of days. Boy were we wrong....

Josh's sister, Taylor, and her Husband, Abbel, had cleared a path from the road to McKallister's grave!!!! Holy cow there is no way anyone could not find his grave! I am not a huge snow person so wanted this done more than ever but honestly probably wouldn't have convinced myself to do it until after the snow melted! :) These two are the greatest! In one day, the knew there was snow, they trecked up there, and cleared it out. How much greater does my family keep getting? This may not seem like a big deal to some, but to me- it was the greatest act of service and love ever!

I never realized that you probably didn't know that this marker in the picture below is a little bit larger than the size of a sticky note. A dirty, not readable, sad, sticky out with the OLD

And in with the new!!! Yah!!Merry Christmas...From the Hinckleys.
Josh, Cali, and Baby Mac

Saturday, December 27, 2008

6 months old....

Mac would be 6 months old today!....My sister-in-law, Erin, made a comment that she could not believe he would be that old already and asked me if it got any easier. I thought I would share my thoughts with everyone on that because I'm sure it varies for everyone that goes through losing a loved one.

I still think about McKallister every day but not any less or more than I did before. He's still always in the back of my mind and every little thing reminds me of him. I still think about what life would be like if he were here but never wish to change what happened. I still have days that I cry so hard that I wonder if I'll ever stop. I still think about that day as if it were yesterday. I still hurt inside and my heart aches. I still miss Mac and Love him more than ever!

I don't think it's any easier than it was 6 months ago, but I've learned more than could ever have been imagined with this situation. I've learned that my Family has not forgotten Mac and that he is counted in the Grandkid, cousin, and nephew count. I've learned that when I am doing what is right I feel comforted and the more I pray about the whys and what ifs, the hurts and fears, the sorrow and loneliness, the more I feel them turn in to trust that this happened for a reason. I have found that when I rely on my Family members and friends and talk to them about my feelings or thoughts- it helps them not build up inside. I think that it will always be hard and always hurt, but I'm hoping that we are able to teach our future kids all that we have learned from Mac and that it will bring us all closer together.

Happy 6 months Birthday my baby Mac!!

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Designer Blogs

My Sister-in-Law, Erin has started her own business!!! DESIGNER BLOGS- where you can get a fashionable, adorable, cute, stylish, new blog design. Check out her Grand opening SALE of 50% OFF your blog design until January 10, 2009 at her website through the link above. She does an amazing job, as you can see from my new makeover! :) Thanks Erin!

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Weekend fun!

Josh and I had a super fun week/weekend so I thought I would share it with everyone after posting about my challenging week. :)

My family and I went to temple square to look at the lights on Tuesday and road the trax down. It was super fun and Alex thought that when I was taking pictures of the temple that I was actually taking them of Santa (I guess because I was pointing my camera up) so that made it a little adventure for the two of us. :) Josh had school and Kierra had to work- we missed you guys!

On Friday my Sister-In-Law, Bethany, invited me to have a girls night with her. I didn't get any pictures but we went out to the movies and then to dinner together. It was just what I needed... I've been so down lately and it was awesome of her to think of me and take me out for a fun time. Bethany and I have gone through a lot together- the good and the bad, but she has always been the greatest example to me and I look up to her like a sister. She was a huge help to me with Mac and has been one of my best friends. I think that she was inspired on Friday because she really said some things that touched me and I needed to hear them. She probably doesn't realize but she answered some of my major questions that I've been praying so hard to understand.
Then on Saturday we got to go to Festival of Trees to see my cousin dance. (She is the one in the very middle of the group). You did awesome Abs! I was so impressed to see her up there in front of everyone and she did a great job performing.

Josh and I have decided to do a tree next year in memory of Mac as his Christmas present for that year so we went to the Festival with that in mind. We got a lot of ideas and my whole family came along with Ike and Bethany. The boys got bored really fast, of course, but us girls went up and down every row- taking pictures and getting ideas. Thank you all for the fun time!

Right after the Festival we went up to Mac's grave to take down the Thanksgiving decorations and put some up for Christmas!!

This is my family, Kierra and Colby, Dad and Mom, Alex, Mac and I- Josh is behind the camera.

That night we got the oppurtunity to attend a candle light vigil in memory of those who have lost children. We will for sure have to let everyone know about it ahead of time next year because it was a really awesome experience (sorry to all of those that I told too late, that was my bad and I promise to keep everyone updated further in the future from now on). My Mom, Grandma and Grandpa Maughan, Josh and I went up to it and I was amazed how many people attended. It was really important to me to see how many people are in the same boat as us and be able to hear the speakers talk about our losses.
I was really excited because we got to hear from Julie Williams. For those of you who don't know her- she's one of the people that I am the most grateful for in my life. She came to the hospital and donated her time and talents to take pictures of our family and McKallister. She did an amazing job and provided me with the most memorable and sacred pictures of my son. I will forever be thankful for her and absolutely adore her!!! She did a great job and it really made my night!

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Christmas Box Angel- Candel light vigil, tonight at 7

Anyone interested in attending a candlelight vigil for families and friends who have lost a child, The Christmas Box is holding one at the Angel in the SL Cemetery on December 6, tonight at 7 pm. Click on the link below to get directions to the angel. Sorry this is so last minute- we only found out about it earlier this week and I didn't even think to put it on here until I saw my Mom's and thought it might be a great idea. I promise to put things that we do in memory of Mac on here prior to the day of from now on. :) PLEASE let anyone who may be interested know about this! We'll see you there!!

Sunday, November 30, 2008

One hard week...

So when I was growing up and someone had lost a loved one they would always say that the Holidays are the hardest and I never knew why...this year that sentence has a whole new meaning for me.

I have been so emotional and honestly grouchy about everything and to everyone.

Sunday I was struggling with missing Mac. I went to my grandparents house and was hysterical, crying, and upset.

Tuesday, We went in for tithing settlement and on the page they give you it has all of your information, including kids. I swear it was like capital letters stating NO CHILDREN!!! It hit me so hard and when we got home I called my Dad in tears so upset that they would write that on the tithing settlement pages! I felt like they were rubbing it in that I didn't have kids here on this earth.

Thanksgiving was Mac's 5 month Birthday so of course that was hard for me. I wondered all day what I would be doing with him- would I let him try pumpkin or banana pie? Would he be fussy from not having a nap because of all the family and noise? Would my cousins fight over who got to hold him?

Friday Josh and I went in and picked out a headstone. We have wanted to pay for it now and have that be our Christmas present and then have them set it in June for his first Birthday. When we walked into the main office it was like nothing I could explain. I have never felt so sick in my life.... the only other two times I have been there was a few days after his birth when we were picking out a casket and then on the day of his burial. My stomach felt sick and all of the emotions I felt on that day rushed back to me. I felt anger, sadness, frustration, hurt. I was angry that we were picking out a headstone for my son's Christmas present.

On Saturday I started- ya know? (sorry to all the men that are reading this or those who are private about this matter- me, I'm very open and if I don't tell you- Josh probably will :) ). So right now I am the farthest away from being pregnant as I possibly could be. I have found myself questioning all day what I am doing wrong, why it is not my time to start a family here on this earth, what could I do different to have what I want the most, and how can I be unselfish about it.

Today, we went to one of our friends baby blessings and they asked Josh to be in the circle. All day today I have been on the verge of tears. You know that muscle that you use to hold back from crying? I call it my tear muscle- well it's been getting the biggest work out today! It took everything I had to hold back from falling apart right there in sacrament meeting. I felt jealous, sad, heartbroken, lost, hurt, and upset.

So this Holiday season I find myself....a wreck. However, I have also found myself grateful for those things that got me through each of these new trials.

My Dad for letting me cry and be angry on the phone. For raising my voice and telling him it's not fair. For comforting me and telling me that I accepted this trial and am stronger than he is. For him being the greatest dad ever.

My Family for keeping me entertained and my mind off the sadness of the day and hanging out with me. For blessing Mac and all he's taught us in the family prayer. For allowing me to cry and not ask why. For visiting his grave and being great aunts, uncles, cousins, and family to him. For comforting me.

Josh for holding my hand through "picking out a birthday present". For his laughing and saying that he wished Mac could pick out his own headstone. For taking me to his grave afterwards but being too cold, giggling and running away screaming behind him, "love you Mac". For putting up with me.

Sarah for asking me how it went when I got back to work. For knowing that I have hard days and always giving me the hugs that I need. For telling me that she still thinks about Mac. For being there for me. For being my Friend.

Taylor for letting me talk to her about the girl moments and agreeing with me that it sucks! For not judging me when I express my frustration. For not ever telling me that she knows what I'm going through and still cheering me up.

The Brady's for inviting Josh to stand in the circle. For showing their love and happiness towards their new baby girl. For allowing me to feel the spirit and joy for their new family. For smiling.

All of you that just read this really long post and the support, love, and friendship you have shown Josh and I.

Mac for being dang cute and completely PERFECT.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Husband tag...

Jessica tagged me and I'm so glad that she did- I've been really mean to Josh lately, and honestly I don't know why. This will be great for me to sit back and not only remember this stuff but write it down so it's engraved in my head!!

1. Where did you meet your husband? On a blind date. I worked with his Sister-in-Law, Bethany, and she set the two of us up after he got back from his mission.
2. How long did you date before you got married? A little longer than 7 months.
3. How long have you been married? 1 year and 9 months
4. What does he do that surprises you? He cleans the toilets and bath tub- I have not done it once our entire marriage!
5. What is your favorite feature of his? His ear- I know that's a super funny answer but some will understand why I say that. :)
6. What is his best quality? That he can walk in to a room and change the know that laugh? It's super contagious and he's so good at making everyone happy and laugh.
7. Does he have a nickname for you? My family calls me Lou so he picked up on that and calls me Lou Poo, Lou Bear or Louie.
8. What is his favorite food? Josh is a garbage disposal so I can tell you what he orders 99% of the time at a restaurant- steak, however, his favorite food varies depending on what he is eating at the time. :)
9. What is his favorite sport? Baseball...I would hope that is his favorite.
10. When and where did you first kiss? We kissed on July 6th, 2006. And the only reason I remember the exact day is because I thought he was going to kiss me on the 4th with all the fireworks, and a warm summer night- instead he told me that he had something to tell me and these are his exact words, "where is your nearest garbage can? I need to throw up" and he did. So 2 days later we went up to my Grandpa's property near price and kissed on the mountain side that overlooked the valley on a chair made of rocks.
11. What is your favorite thing to do as a couple? I personally like to sit at home and watch a movie with popcorn and cuddle under a blanket, but Josh is super social and gets bored of me so his answer would be the opposite of that!
12. Do you have any children? Yes, McKallister- personally I think he is the most perfect child you could ever have!!! :)
13. Does he have any hidden talents? Josh is a really good singer- when he tries. He doesn't think he is so he will always "pretend" when he sings, but if you can catch him singing in the shower when he doesn't think anyone is listening he is actually pretty dang good!
14. How old is he? 23
15. What is his favorite music? Josh listens to a good variety of music but he really likes reggae.
16. What do you admire most about him? I would have to say- no matter what is going on or how many things he has in his arms, he will always open the car door for me. He one time threw- yes threw- me out of the way because I was opening the car door, it means a lot to him and I really admire that.
17. What is his favorite color? Red, Green, I don't think Josh has ever set on a favorite color. Whenever I ask him it's different.
18. Will he read this? Yes but only because I asked him how to spell reggae so he'll probably wonder what I was doing.
19. Who said I love you first? Josh.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

I've been tagged- this time by Mom

3 of my recent favorite purchases:
1. The plot where Mac is buried (I love the location we got)
2. A pair of jeans
3. Gas- with the prices so low I actually look forward to filling up my tank

3 favorite movies: I couldn't decide on this so I just put the last 3 I have seen.
1. Madagascar
2. Vantage Point
3. Rocky

3 things I haven't done yet:
1. Gotten back in shape after having a kid
2. stopped biting my nails (i know, it's a disgusting habit and Josh hates it)
3. Scrap booked my wedding or McKallister

3 things I can't live without:
1. Josh and entire family
2. milk
3. tweezers

3 of my favorite dishes:
1. Mac and cheese
2. Grilled cheese sandwiches
3. Josh's crockpot chicken

3 of my favorite TV shows:
1. CSI: NY
2. Criminal Minds
3. The biggest Loser

3 of the last places I've traveled:
1. Cedar City
2. California
3. Idaho

3 of my favorite treats:
1. Ice cream
2. Chocolate
3. Peaches in milk

3 things I'd buy if money weren't an issue:
1. a house
2. a dog
3. Nice furniture (enough of this D.I. stuff) :)

3 people I tag:
1. Tiffany
2. Sarah
3. Heather

Thursday, November 13, 2008

I've been tagged...

I kid you not....this was my 10th picture in my 4th photo file. Yeah- that's my husband. :) haha this was taken last winter when we had gone sledding with Ike, Bethany, Taylor, and some of their friends from High School. Afterwards we had hot chocolate (and if I remember it wasn't so hot any more?) and hooked up a tube to the back of our truck. It was a way fun night and as you can see Josh was hotter than ever!!!! Now I tag, Mom, Taylor, and Marni

Oh and P.S. the logo on the side is because we loaded all of our pictures on to Josh's Ipod and then they accidentally were deleted from our computer- the only other place we had them! We found this system to put things from your Ipod back to your computer, but as you can see all of our pictures now have this logo. My advice to you- store your pictures in more than one location!! :)

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

McKallister's Halloween

Halloween day with Mac...
I need to thank all of my family and friends that helped me through this day!! Whether you listened to me, cried with me, comforted me, included Mac in a part of your Halloween day, or helped decorate his grave- I can not thank you enough!!!

HalLoWeEn wEeK

On McKallisters 4 month birthday we carved pumpkins at my Mom's house. It was so much fun!! It was the first year that Alex worked on his pumpkin from start to finish and actually touched the "guts" inside. He was even joking around that he would eat it or throw it at us. Josh carved one side of his pumpkin all out and then decided he didn't like it and so did the other side and put the messed up side back together with tooth picks. Both of them turned out to be adorable i thought. :) My Mom and I mainly scraped out all of the insides of everyones pumpkin which is a special talent that we both seem to have. Ha Then there was Taylor...hers was an art project!! She studied out what the best option would be depending on the shape of her pumpkin, she got pictures of different options, and then she took HOURS to finish. I never got a final picture of her pumpkin because we had to leave before she was finished. She ended up scraping out the shape of the temple, which was awesome!!

Two days later we got together with one of Taylor and Josh's friends from school, Akwasi, because he has never carved pumpkins before!! It was really fun to watch someone experience pumpkin carving for the first time- he thought we were nuts but seemed to enjoy it. TJ and I worked on the one she is holding, and Akwasi did his own. Josh was so bored of carving so many pumpkins that he did homework and sat around trying to get us to do something else! Thanks to everyone for the fun we had!!

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. We were able to join the Share foundation to remember our babies and walk in memory of the steps they will never take last Saturday. It was actually a really hard day for me but great at the same time! They started out with introducing the couple that started the foundation after they lost their son. They shared their story, which was heartbreaking and then a young girl sang a beautiful song. After that we all participated in a short walk around the cemetery and then participated in a balloon release in memory of our kids. There were quite a few people there and as they read the name of your baby off you released your balloon that had been signed by those that were there.

After the event was over we went to Mac's grave and ate pizza as a family and hung out there. I've been having a really hard time lately because I have not wanted to bring others down when I am having a bad day (which is still a lot more frequent than I would like)...who do I go to, will they think I'm crazy when I break down crying? I am grateful for those family members that came to this walk and supported Josh and I because it really showed me how much they still care and they still remember Mac.

My Mom had decorated Mac's grave for the month of October and "Mac's tree" that is located right next to his grave. Thank you Mom for still spoiling him like you would any other Grandkid and for caring about how his grave looks. I don't think you know how much it means to me that you care about him so much. You are the greatest Grandma in the world and I'm so glad that I have you to help me take care of my little man.

I wanted to let everyone know that I have to have the greatest, most supportive family in the WHOLE world! I am so happy that I married into the family that I did and had the chance to grow up with my family. I love you guys!!

Oh and thank you Taylor for making this video for me!!! You're awesome!!

Saturday, September 27, 2008

3 Months old...

McKallister would be three months old today...such an adorable cute age!! I wanted to thank two people in my life who have been amazing enough to name my baby after. First my Grandpa Scott. His middle name is Vance, so that's where Mac's middle name came from. I have grown to have such a love and appreciation for my Grandpa that no one could imagine. Anyone that knows my Grandpa can say that he is one of the most amazing people they have ever met!! Grandpa thank you for loving me for who I am and always commenting on how beautiful I look- even when I don't think I'm even pretty, thank you for putting a smile on my face when I'm feeling down, thank you for always tickling my knees to get me to laugh- even when I pretend I'm not ticklish anymore, thank you for taking pictures of my tummy every Sunday to see how big I got when pregnant, thank you for allowing my husband to spend countless hours in your shop using your tools and wood, thank you for showing me how to love everyone- no matter who they are, thank you for teaching me how to learn from a trial harder then anyone could imagine and stay positive when times are tough, and most of all- thank you for being my Grandpa Scott.

Second- Tyler McCallister. (I hope that's how you spell your last name, we switched up the spelling a bit:) ) Tyler served his mission with Josh and was an amazing friend. When they got home Tyler came on Josh and I's first date, so technically I've known Tyler as long as I've known Josh! Everyone calls Tyler "Mac" as well so that's where we got my Mac's first name. I've gotten to know Tyler's family a little bit and they are all amazing people! So much Love just radiates from them that I am so grateful they let me name my son after their last name. Tyler and his wife Laura came to the hospital after we lost McKallister and drove all the way from Cedar to come be with us. They stayed and entertained Josh, helped us carry stuff down to the car, and brought us comfort through their happy spirits. The two of them seemed to know exactly what to say to us, exactly how to make us smile, and were so caring! Later they invited us to Tyler's grandparents cabin to get away from the world- I can never thank them enough for that weekend. I was still sore from just having a baby and they treated Josh and I so well- making us dinner, letting us relax, and everything that is included in the best get-away vacation. You two are an amazing family and we love you so much!! Thank you for allowing us to be your friends. :)

So today I find myself asking..."How could I have ever expected less than a PERFECT son, after naming him after two amazing men."

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

11 weeks 5 days down....My lifetime to go!

Josh and I have successfully gotten through almost 12 weeks without my perfect little son and I realized that I am finally starting to come out of the worst part of it. We received the autopsy results back- which I was extremely nervous for and I find myself relieved with what they determined. I guess what most everyone was interested in was the results-

"Autopsy examination revealed the cause of death to be an umbilical cord accident. Specifically, the umbilical cord was excessively long and, consistent with the clinical history of a tight nuchal cord, there was a prominent ligature mark on the neck. In addition there was significant cerebrovascular congestion and hemorrhage, secondary to vascular obstruction from the nuchal cord, and systemic evidence of fetal stress."

I, however, found myself more interested in reading the details...McKallister was perfect! He was in the 99th percentile for weight, his heart was the exact weight it was supposed to be (18.8 g), his lungs were fully developed, his feet were big, and his eyes were the perfect measurement apart. I was amazed and relieved that not only was he so perfect in spirit but there was not a flaw in his perfect little body. I am so proud of him! I think that everyone has that oppurtunity to be proud of their kids first step, the first time they say mom, or that first day of kindergarten...I will never get those same experiences with Mac but I do get different experiences that I am equally proud of.

I am terrified to get pregnant again- I'm not gonna to lie- but I have felt more peace and have gained a knowledge that there is a plan for everyone and God knows what he is doing more than I can ever understand. I still cry every day, still have nighmares, and still wish with all my heart I could just be a Mom but I also sang in the car for the first time in 11 weeks the other day, and laughed so hard I cried last week. My heart aches, and hurts 24/7 but I am finally feeling strong enough to move on with some normal life! Yah!!

We get to go see a specialist to talk about the results with him next Tuesday- I hope that he can help us understand some of these super long terms!! Thank you all again for your love and support through all of this. I am such a lucky person to have the family and friends that I have. I love you all!!

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Tagged by TJ

I got tagged by tj a little while ago but haven't gotten around to doing it so I finally decided I would sit down and share my 3 joys, fears, goals, current obsessions, and random facts...

3 Joys

-Josh just happens to be the love of my life. In case anyone didn't notice! :) He's been my best friend since the day I met him and I wouldn't trade him for anything in the whole entire world! He definitely has to be my greatest Joy here on this earth...and that leads me to my next joy--

-McKallister! I enjoy looking at pictures of him, listening to others memories of him, dreaming of him, think about every single moment I had with him, and visiting his grave.

-Flowers and mushrooms... :) if anyone hasn't read my mom's post you gotta check it out- she claims I hate the mushrooms on Mac's grave but I secretly enjoy having something that I need to take care of.

3 Fears

-Well right now all of my fears kinda reflect off of what happened 9 weeks ago....I'm going to lump them into one large fear because everything else that used to scare me in my life seems like nothing now! I have a fear of not being able to get pregnant again, losing another precious child, losing my husband or a family member I love, becoming a wreck when josh leaves for baseball trips (he is currently the only thing keeping me going right now), or forgetting what I have learned from McKallister.

3 Goals

-scrapbook every memory I have of Mac (and if anyone knows how very crafty I am -those last three words should be read as sarcastically as you can- they will know how hard this goal will be for me)

- Learn how to cook just one good meal for Josh without burning, mixing in a wrong ingredient, leaving an ingredient out, oblonging it (that one is for tj) or taking over 2 hours to finally finish it.

- Exercise on a regular basis and get in shape!

3 Current obsessions

- Hanging out with family members

- Visiting Mac's grave

- Ice Cream and lemonade (not together of course but I didn't just want to say food! :) )

3 Random Facts

-I ate gushers for breakfast lunch and dinner the first 3 months I was pregnant

- I pass out every time I see my own blood but other peoples doesn't seem to effect me in the slightest

- I can out-run my Husband!! :) love you babe...

Friday, August 22, 2008

Grandpa and Josh

This is my Mom's Dad- Grandpa Scott. He is one of the greatest people I know and I love him so much! He's always treated me exactly how a Grandpa should treat a Granddaughter and I am so impressed with the way that he treats Josh. Josh and him just clicked when we got married and I am so lucky that they have such a strong relationship. Yesterday we were able to have dinner with him and Grandma (who is also just as amazing) and afterwards Grandpa taught Josh how to use a lathe? I don't even know if that's how you spell it, let alone what it does. Anyways Josh did an amazing job and hasn't finished his project but got very far on it. Josh is absolutely in LOVE with Grandpa's shop that he built and all the cool tools that are in it- so thanks Grandpa for sharing!! We love you!!!

Sunday, August 17, 2008


The Things I Just LOVE About My Cali Lou

• I LOVE the way you love me.
• I LOVE how you always want me to be happy.
• I LOVE how happy you always are.
• I LOVE how beautiful you are.
• I LOVE your smile.
• I LOVE how you are with kids.
• I LOVE how you care for everyone.
• I LOVE how you care for me.
• I LOVE how you don’t mind the house being messy.
• I LOVE how you enjoy watching me play baseball.
• I LOVE how you enjoy just being with me.
• I LOVE how you snuggle up to me at nights.
• I LOVE that you talk in your sleep.
• I LOVE that you help me make right decisions.
• I LOVE that you still love me when I make poopy decisions.
• I LOVE that you enjoy being with yours and my family.
• I LOVE that you don’t care what we do together as long as we’re together.
• I LOVE the way you make me feel when we are together and when we're not.
• I LOVE how you help me with my homework.
• I LOVE how you will play basketball with me.
• I LOVE how you love to hang out with AL.
• I LOVE how AL loves you more than anyone else besides MUUMMMY.
• I LOVE how you want to be a MOM.
• I LOVE that you want to stay home and be a MOM.
• I LOVE that you love MAC, even though we haven’t heard him laugh or cry.
• I LOVE that you still cry and want to hold MAC.
• I LOVE that you understand where MAC is.
• I LOVE that you understand that we will see MAC again.
• I LOVE that you are excited about seeing and raising MAC later.
• I LOVE that you want to be an eternal family.
• I LOVE that you help me be worthy so we can be together forever.
• I LOVE that you want me by your side.
• I LOVE how you let me help you when times are tough.
• I LOVE that you are not afraid just to be you.
• I LOVE that you know who you are.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Our last 3 weeks with McKallister

So I've been having a hard time writing what I want to about this experience and so I just thought I'd share what we have been doing and how we have been handling everything. On the day that Mac would have been one month we got together with our family and had a little Birthday party for McKallister. We went up to his grave and had cupcakes and sang happy birthday, and then just played and hung out together. I have been so grateful for my families support and being so willing to come to things like's helped me more then anything else.

The next Tuesday I decided I was ready to clean out his room...good thing for Mom's and Sister's! My sister being the photographer she is of course took pictures for me of things I had set up in Mac's room or items that he would have used. That was amazing for me and I am so glad that she has the talent she does. My Mom really did all the packing away for me. I just handed her clothes, toys, stuffed animals, picture frames, shoes, diapers, bath toys, etc. and she organized them and seperated them into boxes. After she was done with that I decided that I just couldn't part with taking the crib down or the changing table so that is still set up in his room. I didn't think it would be hard to pack everything up because he hadn't used any of it yet...but I guess I never realized how much I visualized how everything would have been. I imagined myself changing him at night into cute little pj's with his baseball lamp turned on, or trying to make him smile in his crib with a little stuffed animal. I even imagined changing all those poopy diapers and honestly miss the chance to do that...

My family and friends in the last month and a half not only showed their love through staying up for countless hours to comfort Josh and I, traveling miles to see a nephew and cousin, delivering flowers to brighten up my room and mood, created a blog in memory of Mac, offered blessings of comfort, made blankets for me and McKallister to share, allowed me to share in the sealing of their son, entertaining me while Josh is at work, babysitting Alex so my Mom and Dad could be with me in my time of need, visit Mac’s grave, take off work to be with us, smiled and laughed when I didn’t know there was anything good in this world but they were there for us no matter what it cost them, they were our friends, they lent a listening ear, prayed for us, and think of McKallister as family.

Even though I never saw Mac alive I felt like we were best of friends and I know so much about him. I wanted to share some of the things that I remember about Mac so that you can see not only pictures but the kid behind the pictures…

Mac always had the hiccups and did not like them! He was playful- he was always moving, kicking, and rolling around, he even played pick- a-boo with us at the first ultrasound! He was terrified of zerbits (ya know, when someone blows a raspberry on your stomach to make a toot sound) whenever someone would zerbit one side of my tummy he would try to “escape” out the other side. He loved warm showers. Whenever my front would be facing the shower my stomach would be all out in front and huge, when I’d put my back in the shower I could feel him move to my back and my stomach would shrink down like there wasn’t anyone in there. If I laid on my side he would lay on the couch or bed too so that my side not touching the couch or bed was completely flat and he didn’t like when I laid on my back and would kick my spine every time I did. I will cherish and remember every trait he had while he was alive because those are the only memories I will ever have of his movements.

I find myself fighting to get past every week, day, minute, hour and second without my little one. I have faced every emotion, whether it is anger, overwhelmed, frustration, sadness, confusion, loneliness, scared, wanting, emptiness, patience, comfort, loved, hated, happiness and heartache. I still have an empty feeling every day and struggle that I will never know what it feels like to comfort my baby at night, play in the sunshine with him, kiss his chubby cheeks every day, or get him in and out of the car. It kills me to have never felt his big ol’ hands hold my finger tight, see his eyes look at mine, hear his baby cry and laugh, and I will never be able to see him smile at me. When the day ends I realize that I feel so alone and lost without Mac. I find myself promising Heavenly Father that I will be a good Mother and that I will try my best to raise my kids in the gospel and pray He will send me another little one that I can keep for this short time on earth. I beg Him to help me get past this trial and learn all that I can from it and to help me stay positive. I plead with him to help me get through one day without feeling scared and alone. But after all of those feelings I feel comfort, peace, love, and even though I miss my McKallister more then I can possibly explain I feel a small peaceful feeling. I will never be able to hold Mac again but I will always be able to feel his tender love surround me.

During this past month I faced something that I never even imagined. I questioned, I withheld, I screamed, I sat in silence, I searched for an explanation, I wished, I cry…no sob, but in the end I have learned how to love stronger, I have gained a knowledge of the atonement, I have learned how to pray from my heart, I realize that I have the honor of being with my family for eternity. I have built a foundation to qualities such as patience, faith, fortitude, and humility. I have studied the prophet’s teachings, scriptures, and talks more deeply. This has been an experience that I will never forget and even though I wish with all of my heart that it didn’t happen, I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I LOVE McKallister more than I ever imagined I could love someone and He taught me so much about family. I owe my little guy everything and am so glad that he is happy.

We got the preliminary results back from the Dr. at my 6 week appointment and learned that he had an ebrasion on the left side of his neck. From those results they would assume it was a cord accident. His umbilical cord was also 82 cm long when they are normally 60 cm so that would help support that theory. I have not gotten every detail from the autopsy back yet, I should get them back shortly. I think that I would be ok if it was a cord accident because that is not something that my body did or that my health did...I'll be sure to update everyone once we know the cause of death for sure.

Thank you everyone for your prayers and comments on or blog. Thank you every family member that has "put up with us" the last month and a half and for all of the generous things each of you has done for us. Thank you everyone who offered a smile or a hug when I was feeling down and I just want to say a big thanks to Josh...I honestly have to say that Josh has been my biggest support system and I am so glad that he has been willing to stay up with me at nights, or be the shoulder I cry on. He has cheered me up when I thought I was as low as it got and never stopped loving me. I am so glad that I married him and that he is the man he is. Basically THANK YOU to everyone that has been my friend during this are all amazing and have helped Mac fulfill his mission and for that I owe you all so much.

Sorry this is such a long post and that I just kind of ramble...I'm not so good at composing my thoughts and creating even a sentence that makes sense! :) Thanks again and you'll be hearing from me shortly!

CaLiFoRnIa WiTh My HuBbY!!

Josh and I went to California two weeks ago and it was amazing!!! I really felt like we needed a trip alone and it was so good to finally be with him and not have to worry about anything else but each other. I haven't really been focused on him or our relationship as much as I would have liked to the last little while and so this trip was exactly what we needed.

We went to Disneyland the first day and of course I loved going on every ride with Josh because of his cute girl laugh and his little yelp- I wish everyone could take Josh on rides like that because he made them 10 times more fun!! Then California Adventure the next day, which is kinda like Lagoon in our opinions but bigger and crazier! Super fun. On Wednesday we woke up early and got to play at the beach and then go to an Angels game! The Angels stadium was amazing and it was an extra plus that I got to sit with Josh during a game!! I am such a huge fan of the beach that it probably was my favorite. I love the huge waves and warm sand under your feet.

Thanks Josh for spending so much time with me and always being there for me!

Thursday, July 17, 2008

McKallister's Funeral Slideshow

The slideshow of Mac's funeral has finally been posted to his blog. You can click here to view it (the slideshow is towards the bottom of the blog).

I also just wanted to let you know that Josh and Cali are doing well. Every day is still very challenging for them. They say that some days are harder than others, but they are enduring each day like champions. Although their emotions are still too tender to get on here and update this blog themselves, they have been reading every comment left for them on this blog and Mac's blog and are deeply touched and comforted by each one. You will honestly never know how much your words of comfort and encouragement have come to mean to them. Please keep it coming their way. They told me they could have never faced this difficult experience without the strength and love they have felt and continue to feel from each of you and they thank you from the bottom of their hearts.

As sad as this experience has been for them, they are grateful for it. They have come to understand that Mac's mission here on earth was to bring people to Christ. They hope you will continue to help Mac fulfill his mission by sharing his blog/story with others. They love you and sincerely thank you. Please continue to send love their way. ~Erin

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Mac's Funeral

Last Wednesday, July 2nd, Mac was laid to rest. It was a very emotional day for everyone involved-- especially Josh and Cali. Prior to the grave side service, our families had the chance to spend one last time with little Mac. He looked so peaceful and absolutely beautiful! Cali had the special privilege of dressing him in his little white outfit before his precious body was placed in his little casket. The grave side service was unforgettable and was attended by hundreds of people, many of which did not know Josh and Cali but had been touched by their story. The service ended with the beautiful release of hundreds of red, orange, and yellow balloons. I will hold off on sharing more of the details here because they will be posted shortly on Mac's blog in addition to a video slideshow of funeral pictures I'm still in the process of gathering.

The amount of love and support Josh and Cali have received through this experience has been overwhelming! The prayers, emails, comments, financial donation's, cards, letters, gifts, visitors, meals, phone calls, and flowers have meant more to them than you will ever know. Thank you for your thoughtfulness, love, and generosity. ~Erin

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Baby Mac's Blog

A blog in memory of baby Mac has been set up! There is a video on there that we would like to share with each of you that tells the story of his short life. Please click here to link to his blog.

Funeral Information

Baby Mac's grave side service will be held on Wednesday, July 2nd at Larkin Sunset Gardens located at 1950 East 106th South in Sandy at 11:00 am.

Josh and Cali would like to invite anyone that would like to celebrate Mac's life to attend. If you plan to attend, we ask that you bring a yellow, red, or orange balloon to be let off at a certain point during the ceremony. If you cannot attend because of distance and would still like to take part in remembering little Mac, you can let off a balloon from your location at 11:30 am.

Please contact Natalie (Cali's mom) at 450-9167 or if you have any questions. ~Erin

Friday, June 27, 2008

Hinckley Family Memorial Fund

A memorial fund has been generously set up at Wells Fargo Bank in behalf of Josh and Cali. Please click here for more information as to donating. Thank you so much. ~Erin

Sweet Baby Mac

McKallister Vance Hinckley (Mac) was born this morning at 5:53 am. Cali was in labor a total of about 14 hours and pushed for the last two. She and Josh both did amazing!

Mac weighed 7 lbs. 15 oz. and was 22 inches long. He is absolutely beautiful!!! He has great big hands and Josh's crooked ear.

As we spent time with baby Mac this morning the feeling in the room was incredible. An amazing amount of peace and comfort rested upon everyone present. We could feel that God was with us and that he loves Josh, Cali and Mac so much. We were all in tears as we took turns holding Mac and spending the short time we had with his little earthly body. All in the room could feel that Mac's spirit, although not in his body, was very much with us.

Mac came to this earth to receive a body and in receiving that body, has brought our families closer to Christ and to each other. We love our Savior and are so grateful that He has made it possible for us to live as eternal families someday. I believe the effect Mac's short life will have on our family will stretch far beyond today. We love you little Mac!

Josh and Cali seem to be handling this incredibly well. Although very hard, they seem very at peace with the situation. They are so strong and we love them so much!!!

Thank you to each of you for the love and support you have been showing to Josh and Cali. I know it means a lot to them during this difficult time. I will continue to update this blog with information until they are feeling up to it. I am also in the process of setting up a blog dedicated to little Mac and will post the link as soon as possible.

With Much Thanks and Love,

Erin (Josh's big sister)

P.S. A Baby Mac memorial fund is in the process of being set up at Wells Fargo Bank by Kimberly Moore. I will post more information about it as soon as I get it. If you are interested in donating to it, please contact Kimberly at Thank you so much!

Thursday, June 26, 2008

This is Josh's sister Erin. It breaks my heart to have to share this with you but Josh and Cali have asked that I update you on their situation:

This morning they went in for another stress test on baby Mac. Sadly, the doctor's were unable to find a heartbeat. Cali said that she could feel him kicking and moving last night and that he even had the hiccups, so his passing must have occured sometime during the night. They are absolutely heartbroken, as we all are, but they are in good spirits and are doing as well as can be expected.

Cali has been induced and has started having contractions. They have given her an epidural and expect baby Mac to arrive sometime during the night or early morning.

After Mac has been born, they will allow the family to spend six hours with him. After that, they will take his body to be autopsied (to find out what caused his death) and then they will prepare his little body for burial. They expect to have his funeral service on Monday or Tuesday sometime.

We visited the hospital twice today to see them and both times there was a very strong feeling of peace there with them. We know that Heavenly Father loves them and is watching over them during this difficult time. We are grateful as a family for the knowledge we have of the plan of salvation. We know we will see baby Mac again.

We love you baby Mac!

Please keep Josh and Cali in your thoughts and prayers.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Baby update...

I wanted to let everyone know how my last couple of appointments have gone and what is new in the life of Cali and Mac this week...My Dr. is out of town this week so I've been going to someone else in his office- Jo Cluney. On Monday I met with her and had really bad swelling (not more then usual) and high blood pressure, when she checked the baby he hadn't seemed to have grown over the last week so she scheduled a stress test. I went in for that on Thursday and they think I may be leaking amniotic fluid but Mac's heart rate seemed really good and responsive.

I then went back to my Dr. on Friday to evaluate my test and learned that I have developed preeclampsia, which means my blood flow to the placenta has decreased. This can be a huge concern so she put me on bed rest... I go back in on Monday (tomorrow) to make sure I haven't leeked more amniotic fluid and then go again on Tuesday to meet with my Dr. (he'll be back in town by then) so for now it's just a waiting game to see if any of the conditions have become worse and see what needs to be done from there! I'll try to keep everyone updated, but thanks to everyone for your love and concern!!!

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

My Handy Man Husband...And Alex :)

My Parents have these really awkward posts in the front of their house that my Mom wanted to get rid of but they are holding up the house so that wasn't really an option! :) Josh decided to "wrap" them (that's definitely a boy term and I still have no idea what it means...) but now that they are done they look AMAZING!!! Alex would not leave Josh's side while he was doing this and was totally impressed that Josh new how to use a nail gun and that he was willing to let him help. I was so proud of Josh and his excitment to help my rents. Thanks babe for always being so handy and using your talent to help everyone!

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

SuMmEr fUN!!!!

Of course we played one good game of baseball...



And More FOOD!

Girls idea of fun...

Then there are the boys!!!

TJ finally graduated!! Something none of us thought would be done... :) No but seriuosly we are all very proud of her and her efforts during the last couple of years. Between choir and art classes she has kept busy but school is now over and she's got her whole life ahead of her! We had a family get together to celebrate and had a blast. Great grandma Mingo came (she's huddled up in a blanket in the first pic), both sets of grandparents, some of my aunts and uncles, a couple cousins and of course the boyfriend Brandon. It was so much fun!! Now if the weather would only heat up so we would don't have to use blankets and in jackets at the beginning of JUNE!!!