Saturday, December 27, 2008

6 months old....

Mac would be 6 months old today!....My sister-in-law, Erin, made a comment that she could not believe he would be that old already and asked me if it got any easier. I thought I would share my thoughts with everyone on that because I'm sure it varies for everyone that goes through losing a loved one.

I still think about McKallister every day but not any less or more than I did before. He's still always in the back of my mind and every little thing reminds me of him. I still think about what life would be like if he were here but never wish to change what happened. I still have days that I cry so hard that I wonder if I'll ever stop. I still think about that day as if it were yesterday. I still hurt inside and my heart aches. I still miss Mac and Love him more than ever!

I don't think it's any easier than it was 6 months ago, but I've learned more than could ever have been imagined with this situation. I've learned that my Family has not forgotten Mac and that he is counted in the Grandkid, cousin, and nephew count. I've learned that when I am doing what is right I feel comforted and the more I pray about the whys and what ifs, the hurts and fears, the sorrow and loneliness, the more I feel them turn in to trust that this happened for a reason. I have found that when I rely on my Family members and friends and talk to them about my feelings or thoughts- it helps them not build up inside. I think that it will always be hard and always hurt, but I'm hoping that we are able to teach our future kids all that we have learned from Mac and that it will bring us all closer together.

Happy 6 months Birthday my baby Mac!!

9 comments:

Open your Eyes. said...

Very touching x.

Erin said...

Cali, thank you so much for sharing that. I wanted to talk to you more about it at the restaurant the other night, but there were too many distractions.:( I love how open you are with talking about Mac and I love that you so willingly answer all of my prying questions. We love Mac so much!

P.S. I love everything you've added to your sidebar about Mac! It's awesome!

Jessica said...

I too love your story on the side. I can still remember Macee sitting in front of my computer loving your little Easter Egg belly! We thought about you often on Christmas and said our prayers for you and Josh! I hadn't realized you had gotten so big at the end of your pregnancy... maybe I didn't see you enough. You would never know because you are so darn tiny now. I love Erin's designs! Hope you guys have a great New Year!

Candy said...

Cali - I cannot believe that it has been 6 months. I guess that can show you how strong you are and can be. 6 months can take forever it seems sometimes. I also love the story on the side and love the pictures. I like to think that you will be able to show and share those with him someday. . . Keep smiling. . .
Katie - I just realized I'm signed in as my sister. Sorry - this is Katie B!

Farnworth Family said...

Time has really flown by! Will would have been 9 months on Christmas day, so I know exactly how hard this time of year was! I have a song that you should listen to it's called "Dancing with the Angels". I found it on youtube and it's such a great song!!!
Keep me updated on things and let me know if you ever, ever need anything!

TAYBEL said...

I absolutely love the new sidebar! I especially love the photo of all three of you that was taken by your neighbor. I laughed so hard when you wrote about wearing a size 9.5 ring, having swollen ankles...just imagine if you had those big features all the time(like me...I'll never get rid of them) haha. Love ya!

Young Family said...

Happy 6 month birthday. Sunday would have been Scott's 1st birthday. You are so right about thinking about our babies everyday.

AnneMarie said...

Cali, what a sweet post. I hope you know that you and Mac have made a difference in my life, I feel I am a better mom because of both of you. Thanks for your amazing example!

Christine said...

I really needed to read this Cali. Lately I've been a little down and I just keep telling myself to say my prayers, ask for comfort and peace, and it will come. You are a beautiful example of that tender mercy. I know that Heavenly Father provides the most perfect comfort when we draw close to Him. Thanks for being so brave and sharing this post and brightening my day.

Love, Christine