Sunday, November 30, 2008

One hard week...

So when I was growing up and someone had lost a loved one they would always say that the Holidays are the hardest and I never knew why...this year that sentence has a whole new meaning for me.

I have been so emotional and honestly grouchy about everything and to everyone.

Sunday I was struggling with missing Mac. I went to my grandparents house and was hysterical, crying, and upset.

Tuesday, We went in for tithing settlement and on the page they give you it has all of your information, including kids. I swear it was like capital letters stating NO CHILDREN!!! It hit me so hard and when we got home I called my Dad in tears so upset that they would write that on the tithing settlement pages! I felt like they were rubbing it in that I didn't have kids here on this earth.

Thanksgiving was Mac's 5 month Birthday so of course that was hard for me. I wondered all day what I would be doing with him- would I let him try pumpkin or banana pie? Would he be fussy from not having a nap because of all the family and noise? Would my cousins fight over who got to hold him?

Friday Josh and I went in and picked out a headstone. We have wanted to pay for it now and have that be our Christmas present and then have them set it in June for his first Birthday. When we walked into the main office it was like nothing I could explain. I have never felt so sick in my life.... the only other two times I have been there was a few days after his birth when we were picking out a casket and then on the day of his burial. My stomach felt sick and all of the emotions I felt on that day rushed back to me. I felt anger, sadness, frustration, hurt. I was angry that we were picking out a headstone for my son's Christmas present.

On Saturday I started- ya know? (sorry to all the men that are reading this or those who are private about this matter- me, I'm very open and if I don't tell you- Josh probably will :) ). So right now I am the farthest away from being pregnant as I possibly could be. I have found myself questioning all day what I am doing wrong, why it is not my time to start a family here on this earth, what could I do different to have what I want the most, and how can I be unselfish about it.

Today, we went to one of our friends baby blessings and they asked Josh to be in the circle. All day today I have been on the verge of tears. You know that muscle that you use to hold back from crying? I call it my tear muscle- well it's been getting the biggest work out today! It took everything I had to hold back from falling apart right there in sacrament meeting. I felt jealous, sad, heartbroken, lost, hurt, and upset.

So this Holiday season I find myself....a wreck. However, I have also found myself grateful for those things that got me through each of these new trials.

My Dad for letting me cry and be angry on the phone. For raising my voice and telling him it's not fair. For comforting me and telling me that I accepted this trial and am stronger than he is. For him being the greatest dad ever.

My Family for keeping me entertained and my mind off the sadness of the day and hanging out with me. For blessing Mac and all he's taught us in the family prayer. For allowing me to cry and not ask why. For visiting his grave and being great aunts, uncles, cousins, and family to him. For comforting me.

Josh for holding my hand through "picking out a birthday present". For his laughing and saying that he wished Mac could pick out his own headstone. For taking me to his grave afterwards but being too cold, giggling and running away screaming behind him, "love you Mac". For putting up with me.

Sarah for asking me how it went when I got back to work. For knowing that I have hard days and always giving me the hugs that I need. For telling me that she still thinks about Mac. For being there for me. For being my Friend.

Taylor for letting me talk to her about the girl moments and agreeing with me that it sucks! For not judging me when I express my frustration. For not ever telling me that she knows what I'm going through and still cheering me up.

The Brady's for inviting Josh to stand in the circle. For showing their love and happiness towards their new baby girl. For allowing me to feel the spirit and joy for their new family. For smiling.

All of you that just read this really long post and the support, love, and friendship you have shown Josh and I.

Mac for being dang cute and completely PERFECT.

36 comments:

Marni said...

I love you Cali Maughan Hinckley. I think about you, Josh and Mac lots. If you ever need someone to vent to, I'm here.

Marc and Megan said...

Cali ~ I'm so so sorry. It's kinda crazy, because today I've been working that "tear muscle" a lot, too. I only made it through one hour of church and then spent the other two hours at the cemetery. I've never done that before, but that was what I needed today. I've been thinking about you a lot lately. I might be coming out to Utah in a couple weeks for a quick trip, and I would love to meet up with you, if you're interested. Anyway, I'll email you about it. I just wanted to tell you that my heart aches for your loss. I'm praying for you, Cali.

Jill said...

How I wish I knew you. :)
I recently found your blog, and have fallen in love with you and your family. I, too, think about you often and try to remember you in my prayers.
You are so beautiful - your family is beautiful - Mac is beautiful.
Someday I hope to meet you, whether here on earth, or in heaven when it's time.
For some reason you have touched something inside of me and I am very grateful to have found your blog.
I want to tell you just how much I love reading your posts. I love your honesty. I love how you write. I love that you feel and that you share that with others.
Thank you for sharing so much with us (especially those who are so far away). Thank you for letting us peek in on you from time to time.
You are truly amazing, and I am grateful to call you my sister in Zion.

Lance, Tiff n Ash said...

Im sorry it has been tough lately :( I cant imagine the feelings your going through, Its got to be the hardest. You and Josh are such an awesome couple and will be incredible parents for ALL your children. Saturday after doing the pictures with you guys, Lance and I were talking about how perfect you and Josh are for each other, with all that you've been through together... you're still able to laugh and love each other more than ever. We admire the spiritual strength you guys have, through the incredibly rough road you've walked together and the things you've experienced.... Thanks for being great examples to us. We love you guys!

Mindy said...

Cali:

You don't know me. I hope you don't mind me reading your blog. I found it through Megan Carson's. I've been reading about your little baby Mac and I want you to know that my prayer have been with you and your family. I know it isn't much, but I just wanted you to know that others are out there who are hoping, wishing, and praying for healing of your heart and soul.

Malia said...

Cali, reading this post brought back SO many memories...and I can honestly say that I really remember feeling every single one of those things that you are feeling right now. It certainly doesn't seem fair...after nearly five years I still say that. Hang in there...I promise it will never go away but it WILL become more bearable. I'd still love to talk to you if you're ever interested. I think about you all the time.

Hinckley Family said...

Cali,
We love you so much, please let us know if we can do anything for you. I think all you are feeling is completely normal, you have such a righteous desire to be a mother and I know you will be blessed again, dont think of starting as being far away.....thats the beginning of a new chance! So start counting the days! Just be ready on the 12th-16th day, if you know what I mean;). It took me 9 months to concieve after I miscarried, it was a hard 9 months, but I was blessed dearly with my Zyan.

Travis & Kira Evans said...

Hang in there, I can only imagine how hard that must be! Sorry for your hard time!

Hinckley Family said...

I forgot to tell you......I love your sexy shoes that you wore to Grandpas party! Witwooooo! (thats supposed to be a wistle)

zachsmom said...

Cali,
I know that you don't know me, though I feel that I know you thru your heart felt honesty. I am older than you, but, I have learned so much from you. You have taught me so much about faith and love. I really hope that you don't mind that I read your blog and check up on your and your baby often. There are so many people that wish you the best that this life has to offer. You are a wonderful little mommy.

Open your Eyes. said...

At then end of your toast you showed exactly what Thanks giving was about and the best thing was Mac was at the centre of it all :) your an amazing person Cali you really are! xxx.

Jaime said...

Cali- I found your blog on a friends and have shed many tears as I have read of the hurt you have experienced and are still experiencing. I know that this might sound crazy, but I caught myself secretly thinking that you are lucky to go through this experience. Though I would never want anyone to have to go through all that you have gone through I think that you will be better off eternally. You have such a sweet reminder everyday of what it is to truly be perfect and what it means to live your life the best you can so that you can one day return to your sweet little Mac. I don' know if any of that made sense. Anyway, I have been suprised to feel so much love for you though I have never met you. I wish you the best and will keep you in my prayers. Much love,
Jaime

Mommason Hillary said...

Cali I shared your story in my RS lesson on HOPE. You are my perfect example of hope and although it is difficult to realize - you are a light to many people. I love reading about your days, it makes me feel like I can have days too and it's alright and at the end of that day - there is always someone there to love you no matter what. No doubt the monument you pick out will be a gift of love and honor. I will be looking forward to the blog that reads: Well... so... we have something to tell everyone.... and it WILL come! Thanks for sharing your story and your heart. Nicole Hillary

Christine said...

Cali- it's been a while since I've commented, but I've been keeping up and reading your posts. I'm so sorry you had a rough holiday. I'm still just a stranger to you, but I think of you and your family often. It's really amazing how we survive these moments in life. Reading your posts- hard times and good times- reminds me that I'm not too far removed from a 'similar' (never the same) trial. I'm so glad that you have such wonderful family and friends to love and support you. You know better than anyone that you'll have strong days and you'll have sad days, but it does get easier... everyone's timeline is different. I know one day I will read a post all about Mac's little brother or little sister. Know that your blogging friend is thinking about you, praying for you, and sending a smile your way:)

Christine

Farnworth Family said...

Cali-
Please feel free to call me anytime... Just tonight I had a crying session, so I know exactly how you feel. I would love to get together with you sometime. I will try and call ya.
Talk with ya soon!
Catherine Farnworth
(Bubba)

The Brady Bunch said...

Just wanted to thank you for coming to the Oaklee's baby blessing, even though it must have been hard. we really loved having you guys there. Love you guys

Scott, Amy & Joseph Gneiting said...

I love you Cali. I think about you all the time. This blog says alot of the same ways I am feeling. The whole girl thing and starting every month is a total killer, along with making sure I take my birth control. that is really hard. I also agree with you about the headstone. I really wish that I was buying toys and things like that for Joseph. I love him so much and really miss him. I really really really wish that I was spending christmas with him here on earth but I know that he is a way better place. I know that I will see him again and so will you cali. you will be able to see Mac again and he is waiting for you in heaven and he will always be watching over you and your family. I love my little guy and I wish that I didn't have to go through any of this and I wish that you didn't have to go through it either. your amazing cali and I love you. Keep your spirits up and remember how perfect Mac is and always remember he is always with you in spirit. something I have done is I am making christmas stockings for my family, Scott, Amy, and Joseph. oh how I love Joseph. I love you cali stay strong and have faith that you will see your baby Mac and you will get to raise him. I totally hate when people tell me that but I find alot of stregth in that statement. I know that Joseph is mine and I will have him forever, and he is sealed to Scott and I. I feel like I am going on and on. I love you cali. merry christmas and stay strong your in our prayers and I am always thinking of you and Mac. your amazing Cali and so are you Josh. Maybe you should make something for mac and leave it in your home like a stocking or something. that has really helped me. love you.

Amy Gneiting.

The Brady Bunch said...

Josh and Cali,
I can't even tell you what it meant to me to have you guys at Oaklee's blessing. I wanted so much for you to be there. Josh, THank you for being like a brother to my husband and for being his strength on the team. Cali as a mother myself I can't even imagine what you must be going through. I do need you to know that your example is one of the main things that has gotten me through my trials over the last couple months. Your testimony and love of your husband and sweet baby have given me the strength to over come my depression after Oaklee's birth. With this I try to draw strength from anywhere I can get it. God Bless you both! We love you both so much. Please stay strong Cali. You are being strong for me too. Please let me know if you ever need anything!

Brousseau Family said...

Cali - All I can say is don't feel guilty or beat yourself up for FEELING. Wouldn't it be worse it feeling the pain and love was impossible? Remember the scripture about needing to have opposition in all things. We truly CANNOT feel joy and love if we cannot feel the opposite emotions. You just, unfortunately, get to feel the sucky ones a lot and for a while. I am so sorry that pregnancy didn't happen this month. Just hang in there - keep Josh close to you and this will work out. You rock.

Young Family said...

I understand what you felt when you went to tithing settlement. I went on Sunday and felt the very same thing when I saw that Scott was not listed as my child. We are definately mom's to these special children.

Scott would have been 11 months old the day after Thanksgiving. I still have major melt downs although not as frequently as I used to.

My new baby is due at the end of the month and I am so afraid I will be in the hospital on Scott's birthday. I don't think I can handle that.

Enough about me, I just wanted you to know that I think about you, Josh and Mac all the time.

Jessica said...

I was so excited to see a new post and then so sad to see that you had a rough week. I was worried about you and the Holidays. I lost one of my best friends the year we graduated from High School... Nothing like loosing a child the way you did... but I can always remember her mother telling me how hard the holidays were. You are in my prayers daily.... I truly love you Cali... sounds dumb but you are amazing. I think you have to go through that grieving process to get to a point where it's "better." You have touched so many lives and you had such great support and priesthood in your awesome husband! He is a spiritual giant (literally). Feed off of his blessings and love! I still try and put myself in your situation and cannot comprehend!! I know I am just "coaches wife" but I have great respect for you and want you to know that Eric and I would do anything in the world for you and Josh! We love you!!!

Sarah Garner said...

Cali,

You have a great way with words. Your honesty helps others who are also struggling with the holidays. It is weird how the Holidays bring so many raw feelings to the surface, when we never had the chance to make holiday memories with our babies. I'm glad our little ones get to spend the Holidays with our Savior, but it's hard not to wish they were here with us tearing open the Christmas boxes when they're not supposed to :)
As for our babies not being listed as our children... there is a much more important list in Heaven in the Book of Life... I know that one reads a little differently!

Melissa said...

Cali- Just like a couple of others I found out about your sweet baby McKallister through a friend. I fell apart reading his blog. But at the same time I loved it. What a wonderful tribute to you as a mother and your son!! Then I linked to your blog, and ever since then I often check up on you. You have been such an inspiration for many of us onlookers. I watch you go through your trials and it brings me to tears. I appreciate you leaving your blog open so that those who do not know you personally are able to bare your burdens with you and your family. I hope this doesn't offend you but I wanted to put you on my blog. I completly understand if you are not comfortable with that but if you are, will you leave a comment on my blog. codyandmelissacox.blogspot. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Thanks again for sharing your beautiful journey with your fellow sisters!! Love, Melissa

Sara said...

I peak in on your blog every now and then. I have been doing this ever since I saw your blog about your little boy. You have been in my prayers a time or two and I just want to tell you that I somewhat know how you feel. I had an ectopic in March, and lost another one in July. Everytime I get my monthly bill I just want to sit and cry. And the worst is when you have to see other pregnant women or go to that baby blessing. I will keep you in my prayers and thank you for helping me see that I am not going through this all alone as well. God Bless!

Brenley said...

Cali,
I have never lost a child, and would never say I know how you feel, unless I really did. But my husband and I too have suffered loss and heartache. And the holidays have always been the hardest. So in that respect, I do know how you feel. Almost five years ago my husbands little sister who was 19 tragically and horrifically lost her life at the hand of another. We have also suffered infertility for more than 7 years, and I also always wondered why I couldnt just be a mother now. Christmas was always the hardest, it is still hard to think about it all. But last Christmas we were blessed with our son McCoy (who we were going to nickname Mac, but we just call him McCoy) through the miracle of adoption. Anyway, I have cried many tears for you and have said many prayers for you. And I hope and pray that you may find peace during the holiday season.

Brenley
bandbfam.blogspot

Ike and Bethany said...

Josh and Cali, I love you guys so much! Josh thanks for letting me steal Cali last night, we had so much fun. McKallister will never be forgotten.

Erin said...

We love you guys so much! We're planning to make Christmas extra special for you guys! :)

AnneMarie said...

Cali, I love your candid post, and it's got me crying too. I wish we could make it to the Christmas box vigil. Know that we will be thinking about you!

April said...

Cali
I peek in on your blog from time to time and am always so touched. You are such a sweet mommy! I am sorry that times are tender. I'm hugging you from down the street!
Love
April

devon spec said...

cali and josh, i know you don't know me, (i found your blog by googling "mommy blogs") and have been checking in with you ever since.

please know that somebody, a total stranger, thinks about you on a daily basis.

you are possibly the strongest person i've ever "met."

arianne said...

Cali,
you are an amazing woman. keep the faith. The Lord Loves you. I love reading your blog and how open you are with your feelings.

I know there are MANY MANY people still praying for you.

I think it would be a GREAT idea doing a tree next year for Mac at the festival of trees!!

You could try buying a special ornament every year for him in his memory to make the Christmas season extra special.

One more thing. I remember when we had to buy a headstone for our son. It was a good feeling to FINALLY get one for him, but at the same time I just couldn't believe we were buying one for OUR son!!!

I promise that within time your heart will heal. it isn't that you will ever forget your angel, it just gets easier. The first year IS the hardest!!

I am just rambling, just know that even though you have no clue who I am we are still praying for you. I hope that the Lord will bless you and Josh with another child VERY SOON!!!

Aubree and Josh said...

Cali I love you guys so much and I am so sorry for loss I can't even imagine what you are going through, but you are so very strong and when the time is right it will come. I think of you every day, I miss you guys we need to get together. Call me anytime. Love you, Aubree

Aubree and Josh said...

Cali I love you guys so much and I am so sorry for loss I can't even imagine what you are going through, but you are so very strong and when the time is right it will come. I think of you every day, I miss you guys we need to get together. Call me anytime. Love you, Aubree

Natalie said...

I think it's great that you have a place to get your feeling out. Hang in there! We love to read your posts.

Love you
Dave Nat and Jenna

Nathan Gedge said...

I found your blog through another angel friend. I am baby Taylor James' mom. I have felt exactly how you feel! My little one was stillborn on Dec 2,2006. He was full term and was an umbilical cord accident. I wish that I had started my blog sooner so that I could look back and give you some great advice. But, unfortunately I didn't. I do know that the holidays were very hard that year. And that is completely NORMAL. I know you might not feel normal, but you are grieving and although it stinks to feel this way, it is healthy. It was hard to be around babies and my sister in law was pregnant with her first boy. Talk about hard! It took 9 months to get pregnant with my little Libby and I though it was eternity. It will happen for you. It is probably just not the right time yet. I am thinking of you and know that this Christmas will be hard, but know that your little Mac is waiting for you in heaven and is looking down at his mom with such admiration. You are a strong woman and I am glad that I found you!
Keep in touch!
Julie
email-jkgedge@gmail.com
babytaylorjames@blogspot.com

Emily said...

Cali, sweetie...I'm so sorry that your struggling so much. I wish I could take that away from you or lessen it in any way. I haven't kept up on my blogging for a while & I feel horrible that I didn't know how you were feeling when we were together at the lodge. I should have known anyway, I guess. You are always in our prayers & hearts! We love you tons! Hang in there.