Wednesday, September 17, 2008

11 weeks 5 days down....My lifetime to go!

Josh and I have successfully gotten through almost 12 weeks without my perfect little son and I realized that I am finally starting to come out of the worst part of it. We received the autopsy results back- which I was extremely nervous for and I find myself relieved with what they determined. I guess what most everyone was interested in was the results-

"Autopsy examination revealed the cause of death to be an umbilical cord accident. Specifically, the umbilical cord was excessively long and, consistent with the clinical history of a tight nuchal cord, there was a prominent ligature mark on the neck. In addition there was significant cerebrovascular congestion and hemorrhage, secondary to vascular obstruction from the nuchal cord, and systemic evidence of fetal stress."

I, however, found myself more interested in reading the details...McKallister was perfect! He was in the 99th percentile for weight, his heart was the exact weight it was supposed to be (18.8 g), his lungs were fully developed, his feet were big, and his eyes were the perfect measurement apart. I was amazed and relieved that not only was he so perfect in spirit but there was not a flaw in his perfect little body. I am so proud of him! I think that everyone has that oppurtunity to be proud of their kids first step, the first time they say mom, or that first day of kindergarten...I will never get those same experiences with Mac but I do get different experiences that I am equally proud of.

I am terrified to get pregnant again- I'm not gonna to lie- but I have felt more peace and have gained a knowledge that there is a plan for everyone and God knows what he is doing more than I can ever understand. I still cry every day, still have nighmares, and still wish with all my heart I could just be a Mom but I also sang in the car for the first time in 11 weeks the other day, and laughed so hard I cried last week. My heart aches, and hurts 24/7 but I am finally feeling strong enough to move on with some normal life! Yah!!

We get to go see a specialist to talk about the results with him next Tuesday- I hope that he can help us understand some of these super long terms!! Thank you all again for your love and support through all of this. I am such a lucky person to have the family and friends that I have. I love you all!!

27 comments:

Marc and Megan said...

Cali, there is so much in this post I can relate to... the fears of getting pregnant again, the heartache... and, also the beginning feelings of finding some sense of normal again. It isn't the same normal as before, and I guess it probably won't ever been whatever normal was before... but, finding a new normal where laughter and joy can exist even among the heartache. I hope you continue to find more and more of those laughing-so-hard-you're-crying moments! I hope to find some of those, too! :) You are always in my thoughts!

Eric and Emily said...

Weeping in PA! God bless you!

Jessica said...

Cali - I cry once again but I think this time it is a happy cry knowing that you are okay! He was a perfect little boy that has done more in this life than alot of us will ever do! I am so glad to hear you are singing in the car and laughing til' you cry. You need that! I am assuming you will be heading back to work next week right? I remember talking with Josh and he said your employer gave you extra time off (which is wonderful). I hope things go well for you and you may find that a regular (busy) schedule may help a bit. I pray for you that it does! My little guys still pray for you and baby Mac nightly! We love you!

Brad and Rebecca said...

We have never met, and I hope I am not going over any boundaries by writing you, but I wanted you to know of the real heartache I feel for you. I have cried many hours after reading of your story and pleaded with Heavenly Father to comfort you... This is a mothers worst fear... i am so sorry that this happened. Thank you for your honesty in your blog. I think if we knew on another we would be great friends. I wanted you to know I think of you, and pray for you often.

Christine said...

It really is amazing how time and faith bring a bit of healing everyday. I'm so happy to hear that you were singing in the car again (one of my FAV things to do!). I'm also so happy to hear that your baby Mac was PERFECT!! What a stud! I know that proud feeling you have for him:)

The other feelings you have are all too familiar too. For me, being pregnant again was 'scary', but it was also such a happy time in my life. I know you will be blessed becuase of your faith in Him. You continue to remain in my thoughts and prayers.
Love, Christine

Jenn said...

I hope you don't mind comments from lurkers :) There's a new light in your "voice" and I can see that you're moving into the next stage of healing. The happy memories you have seem to be beginning to come to mind before the ache. Yes, the tears still flow....they will come occasionally for the rest of your life...but smiles will start to come more frequently.

A subsequent pregnancy is a terrifying thing. The size of my family has hinged partly on my fear of pregnancy....a mother who has lost a child never experiences it the same way again. But, I think that Heavenly Father gives us an extra measure of comfort. When the time comes, be sure that your doctor is willing to take care of you emotionally just as much as he/she will physically. Having followed your blog for the last two months, I know that you'll have hundreds of prayers coming your way and more support than you'll know what to do with....and what a happy day it will be when you are able to gaze into the eyes of your next sweet baby and know that he/she was delivered safely to you by such a special big brother!

Chris Linds & Maddie said...

Lou You are one of the strongest people I know. Who would have thought that the sweet girl who held my hand all night long at camp could "survive" what you've been through? I knew you could! Everything happens for a reason, and Mac was the strong spirit that chose to endure all that he did for your eternal family! I love you, and I am so happy to see you happy. Remember, its ok to cry, its ok to miss him so much it hurts, and its ok to learn to be happy again. It will always be a different kind of happy, but you are lucky enough to have your own guardian angel who wants you to be happy. You are amazing, and I am so glad I have been through so many things with you. Love you!
Linds

bryce and kianna said...

You are truely amazing. Not a day goes by that I dont think of you or little Mac. We are so blessed to know you, and I am absolutley in awe of your strength, I am so grateful for the way you are able to share your memories and thoughts about Mac with us. We love you.

TAYBEL said...

You make my eyes water everytime you write about Mac or about your feelings. Your words are ALWAYS perfectly written! Thanks for being you.
-Taylor

Ike and Bethany said...

I cry everytime you write about Mac. Thanks for sharing with us all the results from the autopsy. I am so happy that you are happy. I miss Mac so much and it's so nice to come to your blog and his blog just so we can remember that precious body we were able to hold and love for such a short time, but the love will last forever. I also agree with Tay, your words are always perfect. Love ya.

Kailey said...

Cali! You are so strong! You truly have grown so much since we were in school together! I hope we can spend some time together soon. Adam wants to see Josh! Apparently they have some fond memories of the MTC.

Here's a quote I thought of when I read your post,

"In all of living, have much fun and laughter. Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured."
-Pres. Gordon B. Hinckley

Beeson said...

My heart has truly ached for you these last months. I have to be honest, when I look at my son I have thought of yours and tears well up in my eyes, especially when I try and look at his blog. You will be blessed tremendously, after the trials come the blessings! I know that is true! When you get pregnant again, you will have a peace, the Lord will bless you with that because he knows your needs. I had a peace because I, too, was nervous about many things. You have an exceptional family, the one you came from and the one your building now! I love ya!
Love,
TC

Hinckley Family said...

Oh, Cali! I am so glad I read this. I know Heavenly Father has things happen in our lives to make us stronger and to grow from. It could possibly be that he needed your faith to be rock solid and Mac was just the hardening agent.
I can't imagine the sadness you have had in your life these past few months, but I know the knowledge you have gained is for an eternal purpose. I hope that Heavenly Father somehow strengthens you and prepairs you for another one of his children to be a part of your earthly and eternal family.
I keep thinking of yoda(star wars) saying fear is the path to the darkside, fear leads to hate, hate leads to pain, pain leads to suffering(I am not sure that is virbatum). All of which the Savior atoned for and wants us to be able to give it to him, and feel peace and his love for us. He truely is the only one who knows exactly how you feel.

I was thinking the same thoughts as you about Mac's accomplisments when I read the autopsy, height weight all giagantic, he was a horse! And the other things like his eye color and organs being fully developed. You made a perfect baby with a perfect spirit, you are a very elect lady.
In church we had a lesson about Joseph Smiths losses of his children. Even though he had so many of his children die, it was a blessing and an eternal gift from god for the sacrifices and service he gave the kingdom in his earthly exsistance. So I believe the same is for you. Mac was a gift in so many many many ways. A gift to you of a son and special friend you grew in your womb and who you have a bond with that no one could understand. A gift of spritual knowledge and streangth to your family and friends, and many perfect strangers who read his blog. An eternal gift from our Heavenly Father, like as Joephs gifts. Like I said you are a very special spirit to have to endure such a trial in your young age, but a precious daughter of God who is being prepaird for a marvelous work to come.
My only suggestion/advise I could give is to pray for your fear to be replaced with Hope for the future.
love
Heather

Mrs. Moore said...

Hey there, once again you have made me cry. i love reading your blog and catching up with how are you now that we're not there any more. We sure miss you guys, hope the apartment is treating you well!
I started sewing the blanket together today. Every time I get it out I get a little chocked up. I'm really trying hard to get all the pieces from the little blue blanket you said he was wrapped in at the hospital. It will be so cute, thanks to the lady next door. Have you meet her yet?

Hope all is well. Can we still plan on having you on the 3rd?

The Wood Family said...

Cali and Josh,
I am so sorry for your loss but I am glad that the results came back and that they gave you some comfort. I went to high school with Josh and I am glad to see that he has an amazing wife! You're in our prayers. Our blog is also www.woodcrew.blogspot.com.
Thanks for your thoughts!
Jennica (Bawden) Wood

windhula said...

Thanks for being so open and candid about your feelings. You have touched many people including us. We love you!

noahandlylasmommi said...

I found your blog tonight and have shed many, many tears. I lost a baby 3 months ago at 11 weeks and was devestated. i cannot imagine the level of pain and hurt you are feeling. Just want you to know i am here thinking about you and feel so blessed to know of your little boy! I will be praying for you and Josh.

P.S. My husbands name is Josh too ;)

Andrea said...

Cali, I left a note on your sons dedication website as well. My little angel was born on the exact day as little Mac. He was 4 weeks early and absolutely perfect. I have been going through the exact same things that you have; Anticipating autoposy results, fear of how I will react to another pregnancy and how to find joy in life without my little boy. It sounds as though you are moving in the right direction and I am so happy that you are beginning to be able to move forward knowing you have your own personal angel. I wish you peace, strength and courage.

Shannon said...

My angel has been gone for 1 year and 9 months and it does get easier. Little things creep up and tears come and every now and then I have a nightmare. Know you are not alone. I pray for you peace and continued strength.
Shannon

Elly said...

Cali,
I heard about you and your family through a friend of mine. I had just recently had a baby and was so emotional and had so much heartache for you. I have been checking in on your blog for the last few weeks and am glad to hear the results. You are such a strong person. I am not sure if I would be able to handle it. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Sean,Min and kids said...

I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND THIS COMING FROM A COMPLETE STRANGER. I DON'T KNOW HOW I CAME UPON SWEET "BABY MAC'S" BLOG. IT IS A PLACE WHERE ONES CAN GO TO REMEMBER AND NEVER,EVER FORGET YOUR PRECIOUS SON. IT ALSO REMINDS US OR HELPS US FULLY UNDERSTAND THE PLAN OF SALVATION. YOUR BABY IS A BLESSING TO ALL. I COULDN'T COMPOSE MYSELF WHILE READING YOUR TENDER STORY, AND ALSO COULD NOT BELIEVE SOME SIMILARITIES IN MY SON. I HAVE A SON NAMED MAC, AND HIS BIRTHDAY IS JUNE 28,1991. I FELT LIKE I KNEW YOUR SWEET BABY JUST LOOKING AT HIS BEAUTIFUL PICTURES AND READING THE PRECIOUS WORDS ABOUT HIM. I ALSO THINK YOUR HUSBAND IS MY SONS BASEBALL COACH RIGHT NOW. I AM TRULY GRATEFUL THAT "BABY MAC"
IS SHARING HIS DAD FOR A SHORT TIME WITH ANOTHER MAC. I AM ALSO GRATEFUL FOR YOUR FAITH AND HEAVENLY FATHERS FAITH IN YOU TO BE ABLE TO HANDLE SUCH AN EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCE. WE WILL NEVER FORGET PRECIOUS "BABY MAC" EVEN IF WE HAVENT MET HIM YET.

Emily said...

I am so happy to hear that you are feeking a little better. We all know how hard it was going to be for you to move on & have been praying that it would happen soon for you. I'm sure that the autopsy reports helped a little. It's amazing what a little bit of closer will do. I love you both tons!!

Jeanne said...

Hello from another stranger who is touched by your story.

Believe it or not on July 4th I gave birth to my first baby boy, Eric. I almost lost him labor to a similar issue that took Mac. He is doing well and seems to have no ill effects from the complications. I was told he would have brain damage, no signs show that.

I read where you said you long to be a mother, please don't forget that you are. You are just delayed in your chance to raise Mac. More will come to earth for you.

I know you are scared about being pregnant again, it is normal, but one day you will have your earthly children to raise.

Just know that if the issue that took Mac happens again, there is a chance the baby will be fine, like mine.

Keep the faith, Sister Hinckley

McGinnis Family said...

I found you through other blogs and I am so glad I did. It was a blessing to find you. My husband and I went through what you did nearly 5 years ago (October 8, 2003). As the anniversary approaches my thoughts are drawn to the day we found out our sweet daughter, Brenna, had died. Then I recall the day I delivered Brenna, the preparation for her burial, and the burial. Thank you for helping me to remember. As odd it this may sound, it felt good to read your blog and the blog dedicated to Mac. It brought out tears and feelings that have been inside. It felt good to let them out, to feel that spirit I felt, and to feel that love so strong again! Thanks for your words!

arianne said...

Cali,

I know you don't know me but I am friends with Erin. You are an amazing woman. Losing a child is never hard. my little angel was born 4 years ago and not a day goes by where I don't think of him. It does get easier, I hope you can continue to feel that peace and comfort of our Lord and Savior. He loves you and is there for us in our times of struggle, and during our hardships.

I hope to meet you next weekend and the SHARE walk.

Love,

Arianne

Trish the Dish said...

I don't know you, but a friend had linked to your son's blog on hers and I have been so touched by your sweet story that I had to comment. I recently gave birth to my first son - he is now 2 1/2 months old. The thought of going through what you have is heart breaking and I am so impressed by your strength and hope for the future. I'm so glad that you can take comfort in your belief that families are forever. Take care and know that my prayers are with you and your family. Good luck with your future children - you will be such wonderful parents, to them and to little Mac. God Bless You!

Jessica said...

Another lurker... after I came across your blog a few months ago, I've been keeping tabs on your family and praying for you. I've cried lots and given my two children extra kisses and hugs each time I think about Baby Mac. I appreciate you sharing your story.
And- by the way- a word of understanding and encouragment...
It is very apparent to me you are a wonderful mother. Loving our children is the most important part of motherhood- and it is obvious you do that.
Pregnancy is always scary for me, I can only imagine what goes through your mind as you consider the journey of pregnacy again. But as with everything else in this life- it isn't in our hands and as long as we continue to put our trust in the Lord we can have peace. You will get this opportunity, I am confident of it.