Wednesday, October 15, 2008


October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. We were able to join the Share foundation to remember our babies and walk in memory of the steps they will never take last Saturday. It was actually a really hard day for me but great at the same time! They started out with introducing the couple that started the foundation after they lost their son. They shared their story, which was heartbreaking and then a young girl sang a beautiful song. After that we all participated in a short walk around the cemetery and then participated in a balloon release in memory of our kids. There were quite a few people there and as they read the name of your baby off you released your balloon that had been signed by those that were there.

After the event was over we went to Mac's grave and ate pizza as a family and hung out there. I've been having a really hard time lately because I have not wanted to bring others down when I am having a bad day (which is still a lot more frequent than I would like)...who do I go to, will they think I'm crazy when I break down crying? I am grateful for those family members that came to this walk and supported Josh and I because it really showed me how much they still care and they still remember Mac.

My Mom had decorated Mac's grave for the month of October and "Mac's tree" that is located right next to his grave. Thank you Mom for still spoiling him like you would any other Grandkid and for caring about how his grave looks. I don't think you know how much it means to me that you care about him so much. You are the greatest Grandma in the world and I'm so glad that I have you to help me take care of my little man.

I wanted to let everyone know that I have to have the greatest, most supportive family in the WHOLE world! I am so happy that I married into the family that I did and had the chance to grow up with my family. I love you guys!!

Oh and thank you Taylor for making this video for me!!! You're awesome!!

20 comments:

Randy & Rachel said...

Cali and Josh, We are so grateful to be apart of your family. If you ever need a shoulder to cry on, or a laugh, my shoulder is here and Randy will give you that laugh. We enjoy everything that has to do with Mac. It makes us remember his sweet spirit and all we have learned from him. We don't ever want to forget.

Malia said...

Cali and Josh. It was really nice to meet you at the Walk. I wasn't lying when I say I think about you every single day. It's been over four years since we lost Ryan and there are still days that are so hard that I can hardly breathe. Though I'll never say I know exactly how you feel because that is simply not possible, I DO understand that grief is really, really hard and it's hard to know who to go to even when you know people love you. If you ever need someone to talk to who completely gets all those "crazy" feelings and emotions, please don't hesitate for even a second to call me (Rachel has my #). I'd LOVE to talk to you.

Jeff and Marni Paystrup said...

You can call me anytime you need to talk or cry. I'm serious! I miss you a ton and I wish I wasn't so far away. I think about you guys so much. I just wish I could squeeze you!

Marni

Sean,Min and kids said...

I can tell that Baby Mac will never ever be forgotten. He has touched so many lives, even the lives of complete strangers like us. Thank you for sharing your sweet feelings. I have a niece that is in that sweet childrens area at the cemetery. It is always so peaceful there. Please thank Josh for coaching my son in baseball the last month. He really looks up to him. Tell him hi from Mac Snow. He feels he has a bond with Baby Mac since their names are the same and b-days are one day apart. We will always remember YOUR BABY MAC!

AnneMarie said...

You DO have a wonderful family, and you guys are a wonderful family as well. Thanks for sharing your experiences, I love reading up on you guys.

Scott, Amy & Joseph Gneiting said...

I love you cali. ya know bad days are always followed by a good day eventually. your such a good mommy.

Emily said...

Cali, that video made me cry...again. I love you, & hope you know you never have to worry about bringing people down with you. We are family & it's what we are here for. You don't have to worry about anyone ever forgetting Mac, either. He is permantly imprinted on our hearts as well:)

Hinckley Family said...

I just have to share this experience/testimony from sunday with you! This lady in my ward lost her baby this year too, he was less than 20 weeks but his mom could feel that he already gained his spirit. Anyway she was teaching a lesson in R.S. so she decided to go to the temple for some extra help. While in route she started to strongly think about her baby, when she got to the temple she could feel his spirit, in the dressing room through out the session in the celestial room....everywhere. She said she really enjoyed that feeling. When she was dressing to leave she recieved some personal revelation, that her son was so present because he needed her help. He needs her to continue to help him complete the work he is doing on the other side. He needs her to go to the temple and help. When she said this I instantly thought of your little missionary and how he needs all of our help too. His work cant be completed with out us. I made a commitment to myself that I would be a better helper to Mac(and all the others) and attend the temple more regularly. I cant think of how I as an aunt to Mac could serve him and our Savior better than helping out all those who need me. I just wanted to share how his memory effected me this week! Big Hugs
Heather

The Pollards said...

Cali and Josh - My husband and I recently lost numbers 2 and 3 of our heavenly children. Twin girls named Cayla and Marley. We saw the group of loved ones at the SHARE walk who were there to support you two and baby Mac. Sometimes it is just enough for me to know that others are going through the same pain I am, but I wouldn't want anyone to have to if that makes any sense. Continue to be strong but cry as often as you want I do and sometimes it is the only time I feel close to my children and my Heavenly Father.

The Robins Family said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Robins Family said...

Josh and Cali...I'm a stranger! I have stumbled across your blog today while my son was down for a nap. You guys are wonderful example! You have touched my life and have changed my outlook on life! You guys will be in my prayers and in my thoughts daily now!

P.S. This is going to sound very stalker like, however, if you need to talk I listen. I dont understand what you have been through but I listen and when something traumatic happens like that you just need to have someone to listen. Im here and all ears. (Im very crazy sounding sorry) :)

Aubree and Josh said...

That was a very touching video. Me and Josh were in tears, anytime you want to break down and cry to me you are more than welcome to I might just cry along with you I am quite the baby latley. We wish we would have know about the walk we would have came to support you and Josh. We love you guys so much and think of you guys daily. Please call us some time to hang out. Love, Aubree and Josh

Jordie && Amber said...

Josh - Cali,
I have no idea who your are, nor do you have any idea who I am. I was blog hopping and came across your amazing baby Mac's blog! I cried, cried, and cried... I have to tell you that I think you both are so amazing, and not even knowing you your little baby will always be in my thoughts and memories. He is so handsome in his little picture. You both are incredible people to me and so strong! On the other hand, I probably sound crazy going on and on and I don't know you! But you do have a very strong story!

windhula said...

Beautiful montage! Thanks for always being so open. -Michelle H.

Becky said...

i have been reading your blog and baby mac's blog for a few weeks now. i haven't commented because i wasn't sure what to say. i just recently lost a baby girl at 20 weeks - so hard. she is my fifth child. i feel so blessed to have the gospel in my life. to know the plan. i also have an angel on earth and feel so lucky to have him. he's our fourth child, benjamin. his life will be short but we take comfort in knowing that we are a forever family. i am grateful that you have shared your story. as hard as it is, you are such an example to many. know that we are praying for you! lovingly, becky orton

ben's blog (you can link from mine too) benjaminorton.blogspot.com

Colin and Ranie said...

Hey guys! I wish I knew about the walk! I would have been there for sure. That is a great foundation. We love you and hope you know that we are always here for you. Tears, laughs and all.

Ashleigh said...

Cali,
I am not sure if you remember me, but I was the Young Women secratery when you were in young women's. I am so sorry for you loss. My sister Macee told me about it. Your babies grave is near my mom's. I left some flowers today. My mom also lost a baby and she is buried there too. It is a hard thing. But you are strong and amazing and you have such a wonderful tesitmony of the gospel and the knowledge that families can be together forever!I love you!

Ashleigh Bennett
ashleighbennett@comcast.net

Gourley Fam said...

It seems that with time, the pain kind of fades. But when it comes back, it is painful waves that shock and hurt. We just hit the second birthday for our daughter and the 1st birthday for our son. I was pretty mad and hurt to make and eat cakes for my babies that should be here, making messes and opening presents. My heart goes out to yours. I share the feelings of trying to not share too much of my pain with those around me. So many expect those who have lost babies to just move on. But really, I do not know how to move on. But I just take each day and try to do my best.
Heart hugs,
Emily

Erin said...

Just wanted to leave a comment to let you know that I've been thinking a lot about you guys lately and hope you're doing okay. You and Josh still continue to be in my prayers everyday. I love you guys!

Amanda said...

I just found your blog and wanted to let you know how sorry I am for your loss.
My mother had a stillborn in almost the exact same way you did 28 years ago. There was a blog clot in the umbilical cord and he died during the night.
9 years later they lost another son due to drowning.
My parents were devastated and sought a blessing from a general authority to help them get through this rough time. He gave them each blessings and let them know that the reason their second son needed to return to heaven was so that their first son (the stillborn) could have a mission companion in the spirit world.
I hope you have peace and comfort. My prayers are with you and your family.