Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Mac feelings...

This week has been a real eye opener for me and I wanted to share some of my feelings with those of you that follow our blog or even read it occasionally. I haven’t really blogged about my Mac feelings for some time but this week was super eventful and really life changing for me.

For those of you that don’t know Josh plays baseball for UVU and their season started on Thursday (yah)! I didn’t realize until he left that right now he is my life line. I was a WRECK the first night I was alone and then was disappointed in myself because I thought I had come so far and felt like I went back a huge step. I didn’t realize how unstable I am when I’m alone because I haven’t been since Mac passed away. I never realized this but when I’m at work- I’m with my co-workers and friends, when I’m at home- Josh is there, during lunch- I’m normally at my Mom’s with her. I started watching and noticed that there are so many instances where I am on the verge of tears (or a major melt down :))and someone comes to my rescue without even knowing it. I had no idea how many times a night I still wake up with nightmares but with Josh there I just roll over to cuddle with him and fall back asleep. I didn’t realize how much I think about how empty my house is without a baby but then Josh will cheer me up somehow. And I had no idea how much I had planned on having Mac around when Josh left on his baseball trips- I had it all planned out in my head only to realize that I was alone that night.

I ended up staying at my parents house the next couple of nights because I couldn’t stand to be alone. I got to asking myself- am I really ready to have another baby? That has been my thought process for the last couple of days… Josh and I have been trying for over 6 months now to get pregnant again, 4 of those months we have done ovulation tests and I have been taking prenatal vitamins. I’ve been really discouraged and struggling a lot with the fact that we haven’t been able to. This week I realized that this whole time I have not wanted another baby- I want my baby…I want Mac. I thought that if I had another one it would “fix” me or I would feel better about it, but honestly I shouldn’t feel that way because no one else is going to heal my heart the way I wanted it too and I want the next kid to be just as special.

Monday a new Niece arrived into the Hinckley family- Zoey Lou Hinckley. It was an…emotional day for Josh and I because we were filled with excitement and love for this new little baby but it was so hard. Zoey was born in the same hospital that Mac was, so it was the same floor, the same waiting room, the same people. I was so caught up in the excitement waiting for Zoey to be born that I wasn’t paying attention to my surroundings until I saw the nurse that helped me through labor, Wendy. I told myself that there was no way she could remember us because of an experience I had with my Dr. so wasn’t going to go over and say hello, but Josh marched straight over. She turned to him and said, “I was wondering when you were going to come say hello, how is Cali”. She remembered me- and not only me but my name! I could tell by the way Josh reacted that it was safe for me to go over so I went over and gave her a huge hug- honestly I didn’t want to let go. This women stayed strong for me, tried to make jokes to keep us laughing, and was genuinely kind during labor.

When I walked in to the room to see Zoey my heart melted for that sweet little spirit and it was such a bitter sweet moment. The feeling between that day and June 27th were so entirely different and yet I realized that they were both just as special. Zack and Heather were so happy and had such a strong spirit about them, Josh’s Mom was in the room with us and was so sensitive to our feelings and handed Zoey right over to me. Heather then turned to me and said that they had named her Zoey Lou in hopes that she would have some of the strength that I had. (Everyone in my family calls me Lou- parents, brothers, sister, Josh, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and all my close friends) I didn’t even know what to say- it was one of the greatest experiences for me to hear that and I was so touched!

I had this sick feeling about hospitals, Dr’s, having a baby that I needed to get over. Everything that happened this week pushed me a hundred steps closer to healing. I am so grateful that Zoey Lou has come in to our lives at this time to help me through all of this and for her parents who are amazing people and have helped me in a way they will never know. I am so glad that Josh is playing ball- no matter how hard it is- because it can only make me stronger. It’s amazing to me to know the friends and family that I do and their great support through all the hard times. So I guess at the end of the week, I'm just grateful for the additional trials that I go through even though I thought my "turn" for trials was over. Keep 'em coming because I am growing more and more with each one!! :)


The Brady Bunch said...

You are a ROCK!!! I could go on but need I say more? You're amazing! Thank you for your testimony! We love you and think of you always!

Courtney and Jason said...

What a beautiful post, really. No other baby will ever replace Mac and I know thats not what you intend. Its so common for us as mothers who have lost our babies to get that feeling of wanting to be "fixed" since we are so heart broken. I know..I am right there with you. Your next baby will indeed be special because its a new life for you, your husband, and your little Mac to adore.

You will always be a family of three, just like my hubby and I are a family of four with our two angel babies.


You are a very strong woman indeed.

Nikki said...

You are an inspiration to us all!!! Zoey Lou is an adorable name, That girl has a lot to live up to. :)

Travis & Kira Evans said...

You are so strong, I love why they picked that for her middle name. It's a good name, that is my middle name too! It was good to see you guys the other day. Zoey is way cute. I hope all goes well with you and your next step you guys take.

Lance, Tiff n Ash said...

Hey Cal.. Its funny cuz Lance mentioned that Josh was out of town and I thought about calling you to make sure you were alright.. now I wish I would have! You and Josh are soo strong, we love being with you guys.. you make us want to be better people. Just like the nurse remembering you; I dont think you realized how many you have touched, with your honesty and openness with your story, I think you have alot of people that will forever remember you... and admire your strength.
I want you to know, you are ALWAYS welcome to come hangout with us when Josh is gone.. IM SERIOUS! We can stay up and play 'Ninja' together all night... I know Lance wouldnt mind either. :) WE love you guys sooo much, and are so grateful to be apart of your life. Please let us know if we can do anything.
PS... thats awesome Zack and Heather named their baby Zoey Lou... See... you dont realize how many you've touched :)

The Bennett Bunch said...

I haven't comment on you post for quite a while, but I felt really touched by your latest posting! You are an amazingly strong person. You may not realize it all the time, but you really are!!!
I'm SO happy for you that this experience has been such a healing one for you! We never know when our prayers will be answered because our time frame is so different then our Heavenly Fathers. But He will answer your prayers! I'm grateful, for your sake, that you have such an amazing support system!!!
You will always be in my prayers.
Good Luck!!!

Melissa said...

You bring me to tears!!!! As a bystander to your trials, I just think you are AMAZING!!!! You are so blessed to have such a wonderful, spiritual family. I can emphathize with the part of not wanting to let your nurse go. Thats a connection you have to Mac. Seeing one of my sisters friends is the same way. My sister passed away 3 years ago and when I see her friends I cling on too. It feels like one of the closest things to the ONE you want. Oh, Cali. You are such a wonderful example and such a strong daughter of God!! I'm so glad you have kept your blog open so those of us who don't personally know you can be there for you, in a sense! I know I've said it before but Thanks for sharing your burdens with us, That is why we are all Here!!!!

Melissa said...

Oh, and like Tiffany said, you will never know how many peoples lifes you have effected!!! good point, tiffany. You have helped others in so many ways just by setting an example and sharing your stories and testimony!!! Thank You!!!!

Farnworth Family said...

Cali- I've been meaning to call you and tell you thanks for texting me the day that I had my little Callista (Calli) I had tears in my eyes when Zach told me who the text was from. You're welcome at any time to come visit or maybe we could meet for lunch sometime.
Stay strong!

Jessica said...

Hey Girl!!! Let's not "bring them on"... I think you've had enough for awhile... so Lacy has me addicted to this new soap opera-ee (I know.. not a word) series called umm.... One Tree Hill.... My plan is to start with Season 1 and get through Season 5 before the end of the season so.... you are always welcome to come stay with us... my boys might drive you crazy and I might have to go purchase more balloons but... they would love it!!!

Hang in there... Weird.. but he has a plan for you. If you only had a handbook right? You and Josh are 2 of the strongest humans EVER and we adore you both!!!

Can't wait to see you in Cedar! Go Josh and GO WOLVERINES!!!

Jenn said...

Cali, I hope you don't mind me lurking on your blog. I see so much of myself in you and it's been healing for me to watch your journey. I understand so much of this post. And then I got to the part about your new neice, and it really struck a cord with me. One week from today will be six years since our beautiful little girl was born an angel....and her name is Zoey. Spelled with a 'y' even...your in-laws have good taste ;)

I think the longest 9 months of my life were the ones when we were trying to conceive our next child. It felt like it would NEVER happen and the monthly disappointment started to become more than I could bear. I wanted to be a mom SO badly, but much like you, I had very confused feelings about another baby, because I wanted MY baby...the baby that I had already carried and come to know and love through her little kicks and rolls. As crazy as it sounds, when I found out we were expecting a little boy the second time around, I cried sad tears. I wanted a girl soooo mind was clouded then, but I can see now that I still hadn't wrapped my brain around the fact that Zoey would not be a part of our earthly family....her time was yet to come, in the eternities. I felt a little bitter about that, and I was taking it out on my next child--it was such a conflict in my mind because I felt like I should be feeling thrilled just to be given another chance at having a baby. More than half of my pregnancy was spent feeling this way. I remember very poignantly the moment, during an ultrasound with him at 28 weeks, when I finally accepted the fact that he was not the baby we had lost. He was his own person, deserving of every ounce of love that I had given to Zoey. Once I came to that realization, I was able to take my healing one step further. I read something once that said "you have to go through it to get through it" and I really felt like having another baby was one of those things for me. If I had been logical about it (as if there is logic in the mind of someone deep in grief) I would have dealt with all of my emotions about another baby before having another baby. The kids I have now probably wouldn't be here if I'd done that. I had to go through it to get through it. I know that you'll get through it too!

I also wanted to pass along a website to It's such a cool thing and I thought it might be something you'd like to do for Mac!

AnneMarie said...

Cali, life seems so unfair, I'm sure Mac misses you too. Your attitude is so inspirational, it puts most of us to shame! You are awesome!

Ashley said...

You are such an amazing person. I'm so glad that this has been such a growing and healing week for you. I hope things continue to go upward for you!

April said...

Your strength amazes me. I am sorry that you felt you took a step back. But sometimes thats ho you get ahead. And how special that they felt to name their baby after you. You truly mean something to so many people. I am sorry its been hard to conceive I hope heavenly father blesses you soon with a baby. NO one will ever replace Mac. But how wonderful the day when you can have another baby and experience motherhood in a whole new light. Prayers and love your way, April I can't wait for the day when I feel I am ready to try again for another baby.

Rylie said...

Thank you for sharing your feelings. I have just had the hardest time with the loss of Preslie, and it gives me such strength to read of others strength. Hugs!


Matt and Stephanie said...

I wish I had the answer to take away your tears and your pain. Just know that you are touching people you dont even know and that I am criing with you. I am soooo sorry for the loss of your son and I pray that the Lord will heal your heart until you can hold him again.

Allred Mom said...

I have been following your blog for quite a while, but I don't think I have ever posted. I just wanted you to know that there are people praying for you, who you have never met and probably never will, but you have touched our lives by your strength and honesty as you have gone step by step in this trial. Your strength has been amazing to me! Thank you!

Rebecca Louise. said...

Thank you for posting this Cali - congratulations on your new addition to the Hinkley Clan!

Riley and Cassie said...

Thank you for your honesty and strength. I know people who have been on my blog and clicked onto yours randomly and all of them tell me how in awe they are of you. You are such a light to everyone you know and even those you don't know.

The Jensen Family said...

I read your blog and it makes me so grateful were friends. You are such an amazingly strong person. I am so glad we got to spend time in Cedar together, being around you makes me want to be a better person:) I look forward to more baseball trips together. When the boys are gone and you need something to do give me a call!!

Christine said...

Everyone's already said it, but you are amazing!! I'm really grateful that you've documented your journey and shared it with others. It's such a strength to me and I am so grateful to "know" you through your blog. You bring such an incredible spirit into other's lives. Thank you for being such a wonderful person:)

Your Friend, Christine

Grin and Barrett said...


You and Josh are amazing! You are in my thoughts and prayers.



The Kims said...

I'm so sorry you're going through such a hard time. Marni showed me your slideshow a while back before I got a blog and it made me cry! You're amazing. Remember, God wouldn't have given you this trial if he thought you couldn't handle it. remember also, that you will be able to raise Baby Mac one day! Think of how great it will be to raise someone with such a wonderful spirit that he only needed to come to earth to get a body and notto be tried and tested. Hope that helps. Keep your chin up!

Emily said...

It's great to have the wonderful support system that you be strong for you. It is so very hard to be alone through hard times, but it is also a good thing to eventually realize your own strength. I'm sorry it hit you so quickly with Josh being gone. I hope you get to see that incredible strength in yourself that we have all seen from the beginning. But you don't have to always rely on do have incredible people to turn to:) We all love you!!

Jill said...

As another bystander . . .
Hopefully you have realized by now that there is something so . . . true, so real, so genuine, so tangible, so strong about you.
There is something about you that has touched many, many others.
You know well that Heavenly Father needs Mac for a little while. You will have him again one day, but for now he is doing something so important that being with you will have to wait. I think this knowledge has made you who you are today. It will continue to make you who you will be tomorrow. Think of this knowledge and testimony as Mac's perfect gift for you.
When your next little baby is ready, you will be also. I can't wait to read that post. What an awesome day that will be.
Be patient. We'll be thinking about you. :)

Sara said...


You are such an inspiration to so many women! I felt that you should know that. I have commented in earlier post about how I have been trying for a while to get pregnant after having an ectopic pregnancy last march. the 24th of this month is my 1 year mark of my emergency surgery. It has been a rough year not being able to get pregnant. This was our 18th month of trying since we originally started trying and we did something different this month. My sister shared a book with me to help me understand my fertility better. It is called 'Taking Control of Your Fertility' by Toni Weschler, MPH. This book is amazing. I read the entire book in 2 days. But with charting my fertility signs (cervical fluid, and temp) I believe that I am finally pregnant. I am 2 days late and have had just about every symptom under the sun. So When you are ready...I encourage you to buy this book and read it. I got mine for 8.00 on Ebay. You are in my prayers.

Mortensens said...

I just stubbed across your blog tonight. My heart feels for you and your husband. We lost a baby too. It is such a difficult thing. I relate to so much of what you are saying. It took us a year to get up the courage to pick out her head stone. And my heart ached for so long. It physically hurt. But it is funny how fast time goes. It has been seven years since we lost her. Time doesn't fix everything, but it sure helps. Another baby doesn't fix everything either, but it sure helps too. And now seven years later I wouldn't change a thing. If I could have her here with me, I would, but I wouldn't go back and erase the whole experience. I believe families are forever and she has blessed our life in so many ways. Our children have a better understanding of Heavenly Father's plan than they would with out her and so do I.

I wish you the best.

Gaylynn Mortensen

About Me said...

I just cried my eyes out thru this whole post!!! I think about you guys all the time, your story and Mac have so touched my heart. Blessings, Emily, Sayre, PA