Sunday, June 7, 2009

Missing Mac

I really missed Mac today for some reason... In 20 days he would be one years old! I have a one year old- how crazy is that? I've realized that as time has passed, I don't miss him less, and the hurt doesn't go away...I have just learned how to live with it and how to make myself better because of it. I see Josh with other kids and can't even imagine how much I would fall in love with how he plays with our kids. I wonder what Mac would look like, and how big he would be. I wonder if he would drive my little brother crazy because he'd always want to take his toys and chew on them. I wonder how he would get along with his cousins.

I wonder how my life would be different always putting a kid in a car seat, or waking up to take care of him at nights. I wonder what his cry would sound like- or better yet his laugh (would it be like Josh's lol) and I hope more than all of the stuff I wonder about, I hope that everyone knows how much I love him and how much I love the people that care about him.

13 comments:

The Eyre Family said...

We're thinking of you all with his birthday coming! I can imagine this is tough for you but your amazing outlook and faith have really seemed to help!

Erin said...

I was missing Mac yesterday too! So I went to his blog and watched his videos and just bawled and bawled. He would be the cutest little guy and would probably be walking and learning to talk. It would be so fun to see him play with his cousins. We'll all get to be with him and play with him soon enough. :) Hang in there Cali. We love you.

Ty and Laura said...

We were just thinking about Mac! We love that little stinker! We love you guys too and miss you lots. Glad you had fun in Hawaii. Hope to see you soon.

ryansmom said...

Hi Cali and Josh,
You don't know me but your sister in law, Erin gave me the link to your blog when I signed for a blog make over. I hope you don't mind me leaving a comment. My husband and I lost our baby boy too. He was born at 26 weeks due to severe preeclampsia. We just celebrated his 1st birthday on June 1st. I can relate to everything you said. Always wondering what he would be like. I too try to imagine his cry and laugh. I hope on baby Mac's birthday you will be able to find some peace amongst the tears. If you would like you can view my blog at ryanthelion-peterson.blogspot.com
With Compassion,
Lisa Peterson

Rachel said...

I know you miss him and love him so much. I miss him too. I wonder some of the things you mentioned. When I want to feel his love I read through his blog. Mac hugs me everytime. I miss him the most when we get together as a family. I always wonder what he would be getting into, watching Brock and Mac play together, taking his first step and of course laughing just like his dad. Lol. It will be a joyous day at our FIRST Family Party together. I can't wait. Keep your head up:) We love you.

Tasha said...

You probably don't remember me, but you were in our ward when it happened and I never had a chance to tell you then, but I am truly sorry for your loss. He is a perfect beautiful boy.

Teresa said...

Cali, I have been reading your blog for quite a while. I have cried so much for you. I was pregnant with our 2nd son when I came across your blog. I worried constantly with this pregnancy because I had waited so long for this baby. I was so afraid this would happen to me. Every waking moment if the baby was not moving, I tried to get him to move. I was nervous all the way up until the morning of my repeat c-section.

The Lord has a plan for us in the beginning, and I believe baby MAC has touched people in more ways than ever imagined.

I know you do not know me, but trust that there are people in the world caring and praying for you. I was hoping the big surprise was another pregnancy for you.

Hang in there. I am not sure if it gets easier, I cannot imagine it would. But rest assured, you will see Baby Mac in Heaven 1 day. He will be whole and healed and waiting for his mother to hold him.

www.theburkeboys.blogspot.com

Nikki said...

Hey Cali,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. You, Josh, and Mac have strengthened and touched SO many people! I have no doubt that Mac will be with you on his birthday, he is watching over you. Mac will send a brother or sister and you will feel close to Mac as you you raise them. I truly believe that! I know I haven't seen you for a while but I think about you guys and pray for you often! Hang in there!

Nikki

Underwood Family said...

Hi Cali and Josh-
Just wanted to let you know that Dave and I think about you guys all the time- and I still cry every time I talk about you. We have a friend that lost her little girl a couple of weeks ago in almost the exact same way. Maybe I will pass your blog along to her if that's ok. I know she would benefit from reading about your feelings, and to know she is not alone. Hang in there! We love you!

The Rowe Family said...

I've been reading your blog for a while, and I can't believe your baby will be one!!! My friend lost her 7 year old to cancer in December and is having such a horrible time. I'm going to share your words with her, I think they'll bring her comfort. God bless, Emily

Jessica said...

We love you and I'm sure there are no words of comfort that will ease the pain and yearning you are going through right now... You will experience it all with Baby Mac someday... I am sure of that... Our thoughts and prayers are with you!!!

Briana Bunderson said...

Cali,

I was thinking about you and us playing as kids and managed to find my way to your blog. I'm very sorry to hear about McKallister. I hope you are doing well and pulling through. Well I just wanted to say hello after all these years and hope everything is working out for you. I have lots of good memories of you and your family. Hopefully you remember me too. :) I'd like to know how you're doing, if you want my email is bria.olsen@gmail.com.

Briana Bunderson (now Olsen)

Meredith said...

Cali and Josh...your story has left an imprint on me that I can not explain. I am a CTMH consultant and thats where I got the link to your blog. I am sure through your story you have touched so many. Little Mac quite possibly could have lead many people to Christ. What an amazing gift!I admire your strength and how you have handled your grief. I know this is something you never "get over" like a lot of people think or expect of themselves or others. But with Christ we are never alone and you WILL see him in Heaven. So it was not goodbye, but merely See You Later. God Bless you both.

Meredith Wogan (TN)