Reassurance…

Two amazing things have happened this past week!

1. Last Thursday (July 9^th) I felt our baby girl move for the first time!! It was something that I needed to happen so bad and it was such a comforting feeling. Since that is all I know of pregnancies and of being a Mom, that creates a huge bond between me and my kids. I had already 100% bonded with this little gal but that for me, sealed the deal. I think that I cherish the signs of pregnancy and the different experiences because I know how much I love Mac without knowing his earthly presence. The 9 months I had of being pregnant with him are a huge chunk of the memories that I have. I feel like I need to document every kick and every ultrasound in case that is all I have to reflect back on.

Besides all of those points I am also just grateful in general for the chance that I have to be pregnant. I have some amazing women in my life that are not able to have children and I watch their struggles and hear about their feelings when others around them get pregnant and admire them. I don’t know another word- but I think that they are amazing and strong. I love each of them and the kids that have been adopted in to my family and thank them for sharing those experiences with me. I think that I’ve learned the most about what a family really means from them and I don’t think I’ve ever told them that their strength has been huge with getting me through difficult times and scary times.

Right now I can’t think of what is going to happen in the next 20 weeks, or I can’t focus and I turn in to a mess to be honest. I’ve decided that I’m going to take it one step at a time and just be grateful for what I have in the moment. Right now that is a little girl growing up, moving around, and getting strong. And some amazing feelings about loving this little one and loving my family of 4!

2. Look what Josh bought!!! It’s a heart beat monitor that I can use from home. Holy cow, can I be luckier! I have already used it multiple times and it’s already saved some serious panic attacks from happening. It’s such a comforting sound, even when I’m not worried- the heartbeat of a little baby. It doesn’t get any better than that!

Mac is going to be a big brother!!

You heard me right… I’m pregnant! I have so many feelings about this topic that I don’t even know where to start, so I’ll just start with the details. I am 17 weeks along and we have been to 3 Dr. appointments, all of which have been terrifying, exciting, breathtaking, and crazy. I have to say that my Dr. has been amazing and totally understanding of the situation. He knows that my nerves are totally out of wack and is doing everything he can to help me get through that part of the pregnancy. He isn’t the same Dr we had when I delivered Mac but at the first appointment he just sat down with us and talked about everything. It made Josh and I feel so good and I trust him completely now. That same appointment he let us do an ultrasound so that we could see AND hear the heartbeat- our baby just looked like a little peanut at the time and while I was nervous for that appointment, I think I was more nervous to find a Dr. that I liked and just verifying that the test was right!

At our second appointment we just listened to the heartbeat, talked about how we were doing, and our Dr. told us that he would be willing to take me 2-3 weeks early depending on my nerves, if I developed preeclampsia again, and if the babies lungs were fully developed. I was telling Josh that I honestly was nervous for those appointments, but it was never the beginning of the pregnancy that scared me because that went so smoothly for me. This last appointment was another story.

I went in yesterday, right on my 17 week mark and the two days before I started to get really…. Afraid and anxious. I just kept telling Josh that I needed everything to be ok. I needed the reassurance that we’d made it 4 more weeks. I realized that I was starting to get attached to this little one and didn’t want to, afraid of loving so much and so hard- then losing so suddenly. I know the chances of the same thing happening are so unlikely but I had the worst anxiety and ended up crying all night, afraid for the next morning. When we got to the Dr. I was still just so nervous- it took everything I had to hold back tears, I just needed to see or hear a heartbeat. I’ve realized that Ultrasounds are my biggest fear now.

Josh kept telling me to stop bouncing my knee or doing whatever I was doing because it was making him so nervous. When the Dr. came in he just started to look for the gender to see if we could tell what it was, and I was not even slightly interested because I hadn’t seen the heartbeat yet. As soon as he showed it to us- a wave of relief came and I just started balling. I turned to Josh and said “good thing”- he laughed but we both knew that I was not kidding. Lol.

That brings me to our next bit of good news…IT’S A GIRL!!!!!

I have pictures, but don’t have a scanner to get them on to my computer so will post them shortly. Because I’m only 17 weeks, we didn’t get to do the full ultrasound so that’ll be our next appointment- when I’m 21 weeks but our Dr. did do a couple of measurements, enough to tell us that she’s in the 66 percentile for height so far and is measuring within 5 days of her due date- December 17^th. Which means that she’s healthy!!

I kind of thought that getting pregnant would, not replace Mac, but I think we all thought it would take away some of that pain… I can tell you that it didn’t take away any feelings about what happened. I still miss Mac, I still wish he was here, and I still cry for him. What it has changed though is the chance that I get to be a Mom- here on this earth. I’ll finally get to have that baby that I’ve been waiting for and that I expected to have a year ago. I am glad that we are having a little girl too because her and Mac are two different people, different spirits- she’s not here to replace him in any way and I’m nervous that if I had a boy, he naturally would. I am excited to be a Mom of a little boy and a little girl!!!