One hard week...

So when I was growing up and someone had lost a loved one they would always say that the Holidays are the hardest and I never knew why...this year that sentence has a whole new meaning for me.

I have been so emotional and honestly grouchy about everything and to everyone.

Sunday I was struggling with missing Mac. I went to my grandparents house and was hysterical, crying, and upset.

Tuesday, We went in for tithing settlement and on the page they give you it has all of your information, including kids. I swear it was like capital letters stating NO CHILDREN!!! It hit me so hard and when we got home I called my Dad in tears so upset that they would write that on the tithing settlement pages! I felt like they were rubbing it in that I didn't have kids here on this earth.

Thanksgiving was Mac's 5 month Birthday so of course that was hard for me. I wondered all day what I would be doing with him- would I let him try pumpkin or banana pie? Would he be fussy from not having a nap because of all the family and noise? Would my cousins fight over who got to hold him?

Friday Josh and I went in and picked out a headstone. We have wanted to pay for it now and have that be our Christmas present and then have them set it in June for his first Birthday. When we walked into the main office it was like nothing I could explain. I have never felt so sick in my life.... the only other two times I have been there was a few days after his birth when we were picking out a casket and then on the day of his burial. My stomach felt sick and all of the emotions I felt on that day rushed back to me. I felt anger, sadness, frustration, hurt. I was angry that we were picking out a headstone for my son's Christmas present.

On Saturday I started- ya know? (sorry to all the men that are reading this or those who are private about this matter- me, I'm very open and if I don't tell you- Josh probably will :) ). So right now I am the farthest away from being pregnant as I possibly could be. I have found myself questioning all day what I am doing wrong, why it is not my time to start a family here on this earth, what could I do different to have what I want the most, and how can I be unselfish about it.

Today, we went to one of our friends baby blessings and they asked Josh to be in the circle. All day today I have been on the verge of tears. You know that muscle that you use to hold back from crying? I call it my tear muscle- well it's been getting the biggest work out today! It took everything I had to hold back from falling apart right there in sacrament meeting. I felt jealous, sad, heartbroken, lost, hurt, and upset.

So this Holiday season I find myself....a wreck. However, I have also found myself grateful for those things that got me through each of these new trials.

My Dad for letting me cry and be angry on the phone. For raising my voice and telling him it's not fair. For comforting me and telling me that I accepted this trial and am stronger than he is. For him being the greatest dad ever.

My Family for keeping me entertained and my mind off the sadness of the day and hanging out with me. For blessing Mac and all he's taught us in the family prayer. For allowing me to cry and not ask why. For visiting his grave and being great aunts, uncles, cousins, and family to him. For comforting me.

Josh for holding my hand through "picking out a birthday present". For his laughing and saying that he wished Mac could pick out his own headstone. For taking me to his grave afterwards but being too cold, giggling and running away screaming behind him, "love you Mac". For putting up with me.

Sarah for asking me how it went when I got back to work. For knowing that I have hard days and always giving me the hugs that I need. For telling me that she still thinks about Mac. For being there for me. For being my Friend.

Taylor for letting me talk to her about the girl moments and agreeing with me that it sucks! For not judging me when I express my frustration. For not ever telling me that she knows what I'm going through and still cheering me up.

The Brady's for inviting Josh to stand in the circle. For showing their love and happiness towards their new baby girl. For allowing me to feel the spirit and joy for their new family. For smiling.

All of you that just read this really long post and the support, love, and friendship you have shown Josh and I.

Mac for being dang cute and completely PERFECT.

Husband tag...

Jessica tagged me and I'm so glad that she did- I've been really mean to Josh lately, and honestly I don't know why. This will be great for me to sit back and not only remember this stuff but write it down so it's engraved in my head!!

1. Where did you meet your husband? On a blind date. I worked with his Sister-in-Law, Bethany, and she set the two of us up after he got back from his mission.
2. How long did you date before you got married? A little longer than 7 months.
3. How long have you been married? 1 year and 9 months
4. What does he do that surprises you? He cleans the toilets and bath tub- I have not done it once our entire marriage!
5. What is your favorite feature of his? His ear- I know that's a super funny answer but some will understand why I say that. :)
6. What is his best quality? That he can walk in to a room and change the mood...you know that laugh? It's super contagious and he's so good at making everyone happy and laugh.
7. Does he have a nickname for you? My family calls me Lou so he picked up on that and calls me Lou Poo, Lou Bear or Louie.
8. What is his favorite food? Josh is a garbage disposal so I can tell you what he orders 99% of the time at a restaurant- steak, however, his favorite food varies depending on what he is eating at the time. :)
9. What is his favorite sport? Baseball...I would hope that is his favorite.
10. When and where did you first kiss? We kissed on July 6th, 2006. And the only reason I remember the exact day is because I thought he was going to kiss me on the 4th with all the fireworks, and a warm summer night- instead he told me that he had something to tell me and these are his exact words, "where is your nearest garbage can? I need to throw up" and he did. So 2 days later we went up to my Grandpa's property near price and kissed on the mountain side that overlooked the valley on a chair made of rocks.
11. What is your favorite thing to do as a couple? I personally like to sit at home and watch a movie with popcorn and cuddle under a blanket, but Josh is super social and gets bored of me so his answer would be the opposite of that!
12. Do you have any children? Yes, McKallister- personally I think he is the most perfect child you could ever have!!! :)
13. Does he have any hidden talents? Josh is a really good singer- when he tries. He doesn't think he is so he will always "pretend" when he sings, but if you can catch him singing in the shower when he doesn't think anyone is listening he is actually pretty dang good!
14. How old is he? 23
15. What is his favorite music? Josh listens to a good variety of music but he really likes reggae.
16. What do you admire most about him? I would have to say- no matter what is going on or how many things he has in his arms, he will always open the car door for me. He one time threw- yes threw- me out of the way because I was opening the car door, it means a lot to him and I really admire that.
17. What is his favorite color? Red, Green, Blue...um- I don't think Josh has ever set on a favorite color. Whenever I ask him it's different.
18. Will he read this? Yes but only because I asked him how to spell reggae so he'll probably wonder what I was doing.
19. Who said I love you first? Josh.

I've been tagged- this time by Mom

3 of my recent favorite purchases:
1. The plot where Mac is buried (I love the location we got)
2. A pair of jeans
3. Gas- with the prices so low I actually look forward to filling up my tank

3 favorite movies: I couldn't decide on this so I just put the last 3 I have seen.
1. Madagascar
2. Vantage Point
3. Rocky

3 things I haven't done yet:
1. Gotten back in shape after having a kid
2. stopped biting my nails (i know, it's a disgusting habit and Josh hates it)
3. Scrap booked my wedding or McKallister

3 things I can't live without:
1. Josh and entire family
2. milk
3. tweezers

3 of my favorite dishes:
1. Mac and cheese
2. Grilled cheese sandwiches
3. Josh's crockpot chicken

3 of my favorite TV shows:
1. CSI: NY
2. Criminal Minds
3. The biggest Loser

3 of the last places I've traveled:
1. Cedar City
2. California
3. Idaho

3 of my favorite treats:
1. Ice cream
2. Chocolate
3. Peaches in milk

3 things I'd buy if money weren't an issue:
1. a house
2. a dog
3. Nice furniture (enough of this D.I. stuff) :)

3 people I tag:
1. Tiffany
2. Sarah
3. Heather

I've been tagged...

I kid you not....this was my 10th picture in my 4th photo file. Yeah- that's my husband. :) haha this was taken last winter when we had gone sledding with Ike, Bethany, Taylor, and some of their friends from High School. Afterwards we had hot chocolate (and if I remember it wasn't so hot any more?) and hooked up a tube to the back of our truck. It was a way fun night and as you can see Josh was hotter than ever!!!! Now I tag, Mom, Taylor, and Marni

Oh and P.S. the logo on the side is because we loaded all of our pictures on to Josh's Ipod and then they accidentally were deleted from our computer- the only other place we had them! We found this system to put things from your Ipod back to your computer, but as you can see all of our pictures now have this logo. My advice to you- store your pictures in more than one location!! :)

McKallister's Halloween

Halloween day with Mac...
I need to thank all of my family and friends that helped me through this day!! Whether you listened to me, cried with me, comforted me, included Mac in a part of your Halloween day, or helped decorate his grave- I can not thank you enough!!!

HalLoWeEn wEeK

On McKallisters 4 month birthday we carved pumpkins at my Mom's house. It was so much fun!! It was the first year that Alex worked on his pumpkin from start to finish and actually touched the "guts" inside. He was even joking around that he would eat it or throw it at us. Josh carved one side of his pumpkin all out and then decided he didn't like it and so did the other side and put the messed up side back together with tooth picks. Both of them turned out to be adorable i thought. :) My Mom and I mainly scraped out all of the insides of everyones pumpkin which is a special talent that we both seem to have. Ha Then there was Taylor...hers was an art project!! She studied out what the best option would be depending on the shape of her pumpkin, she got pictures of different options, and then she took HOURS to finish. I never got a final picture of her pumpkin because we had to leave before she was finished. She ended up scraping out the shape of the temple, which was awesome!!

Two days later we got together with one of Taylor and Josh's friends from school, Akwasi, because he has never carved pumpkins before!! It was really fun to watch someone experience pumpkin carving for the first time- he thought we were nuts but seemed to enjoy it. TJ and I worked on the one she is holding, and Akwasi did his own. Josh was so bored of carving so many pumpkins that he did homework and sat around trying to get us to do something else! Thanks to everyone for the fun we had!!