Tuesday, January 26, 2010

It just can't get any better!!!

After I had Mac, in my mind, I was a mom and I could never go back. In some other peoples mind, I wasn't a Mom because I didn't have a kid here on this earth to raise. People would ask me if Oak was my first, and I would sometimes find myself answering yes. I don't know if this was because I didn't want to take the time to explain, if I was afraid I would cry because of all the pregnant hormones, or if I knew saying I had a stillborn was/is a natural conversation stopper? Towards the end of my pregnancy this was something I fought with so hard and got really emotional about it. After having Oak, in my mind, she is my second child. Now if people ask me, I would proudly and without hesitation say that I have two kids, she is my second, she has an amazing older brother, we are a family of four and we are all lucky to have him in our lives....and I wouldn't care if I balled my eyes out the whole time.

I think that sometimes I try to block out the sadness, forget that heart-renching feeling when someone tells you that your baby is no longer alive, and even sometimes want to say that I have one kid. What I have recently realized is that none of that helps the pain. When I think about him, talk about him, and even share him with others is when I seem to be really happy because he's my kid. Why hide him?

I absolutely love and adore Oakland. I could spend every minute with her and it would never get old for me....One of my very good friends wrote on her blog, "My newest visual obsession" when she had her son. When she first put that I thought I understood what she meant because I have Mac but I don't think I understood the meaning of her post title because at the time all I had was pictures of Mac to look at everyday and try to see new things. With Oak- it's totally different because I get to watch her grow and progress everyday. I honestly would not mind watching Oak sleep, nap, cry, anything. I have two completely different visual obsessions and find myself very lucky to be someone that can say that. It doesn't get any better...


Sarah and some other work friends chipped in to get Oak a Bumbo for my shower. The first time I put her in it- I thought she was going to die she cried so hard. Now...she LOVES IT! Thanks so much everyone!!!

Watching sports center...

Just chilling in my bumbo watching the ceiling fan...

Oakland is lucky to live so close to both mine and Josh's family. Here are some pictures of recent visits. I thought this first one was cute of my Mom holding Oakland on her legs...

My brother, Alex, is the greatest little uncle and has really started to bond with the two little girls in the family. He's getting really big and can hold Oakland- "All by myself".

My Older Brothers little girl and Oakland are only 3 months apart- I already know they are going to LOVE it! Morgan gets really excited when she first sees Oak and try's to grab her to put her in her mouth, pull her hair, or hit her in excitement. It really is pretty cute!
Oakland is lucky enough to live in her great-grandma's (G.G.'s) basement. G.G. is really good with her and frequently reads and sings to her. I am so glad that she will get to grow up knowing her and my Grandpa- they are both amazing people and love Oakland to death!
This is Oaklands second Mom...some days I think Tinker thinks she is her first mom! She loves Oak and is very protective over her. The other day Oak was sitting in her bouncer and one of my grandparents cats came over to smell her- Tinker came running over growling to chase the cat away and make sure Oakland was ok. I better watch out!!

Josh and Oaklands new game...

To update you on Josh, he is still attending school at UVU and only has one semester left before he graduates. (YAY!!!) He just got an internship at Alder Construction and is LOVING every minute of it. We are really hoping he gets a job out of it so keep praying for us that he will! Josh is probably Oaklands favorite person- she will follow him with her eyes whenever he is in the room, if she hears his voice she will turn her neck in whatever direction she can until he is in her eyesight, and she normally stops crying as soon as her picks her up...oh did I mention that she loves to watch sports center with him? I'm thinking they are going to be pretty good buds and I don't think Josh would mind one bit. :)

Monday, January 18, 2010

Pics, Pics, and more Pics

I LOVE being a mommy to this sweet little girl! Every day I think more and more about how lucky I am to have her in my life and to be able to raise her. Mac has taught me so much about motherhood, patience and being thankful for every moment. It is incredible how much you bond with your children and the love that you can have for someone you barely know (although I feel like I know her more than ever now).

I am truly thankful to be out of the hospital and finally able to take care of Oak like I want to. I am starting to feel more like her Mom every day and am learning so much about what her and Josh got to do while I was not able to be with them. I am starting to get us both in a routine and enjoy every minute I get to spend with her. I love her little cry, laugh (she does this cute snort thing that I think is a laugh?), hair, noises, everything!

I think that we all miss Mac but the pictures we have are more cherished now than ever before. I love looking at them with Oakland because she really seems to pay attention to the pictures- like she knows him and loves him too.

This is totally off topic but it's a little experience that me and Oak shared. Josh was at a camp with the Young Men in our ward last Friday and our little nephew, Brock, celebrated his 2nd birthday the day he was gone. Rachel made a book for his birth mother with the year events. In one of the months she made a page about how Brock enjoyed hanging out with his cousins and for some reason when I got home and was thinking about that, it really struck me that Mac would have been about a year in those pictures and would have been running around playing with them. I couldn't help but think about what good friends him and Brock would have been because they are close in age.

Well I started to cry and couldn't stop. Since Josh wasn't there I felt so alone and really missed both of my boys. I felt so sad that he couldn't experience those things with his cousins and I felt sorry for myself that I could never have pictures of my little boy with his cousins. Oak was actually sleeping in the bed with me and she looked up at me, as I was sobbing at this point, and let out a tiny little coo- reached up and touched my face with a huge smile. It was so amazing and I felt so close to her and Mac at that moment. It was like Mac needed me to know that he was ok and I should be too because I have Oakland and I could take as many pictures as I wanted of her with her cousins. So that is my new goal...catch every minute in pictures!!! Here are some of the more recent ones with all of her random, funny faces she makes.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Mommy Josh...

I know the title of this post is a little interesting so let me explain... Josh has been the main care giver to Oakland for the last 4 weeks! And has done an amazing job!! The week after I had Oakland, I started noticing a pain in my leg that I just chalked up to sore muscles from walking around the mall with Josh the day before. I let it go until my right leg was three times bigger than my left and black and blue! I went in to the ER and was admitted with a blood clot that ranged from my abdomen to just above my knee.

I was in the hospital for a just under a week... As you can imagine, this was SO insanely hard. I just had a new baby that I wanted to be with more than anything in the world and couldn't. I was trying to pump my milk so that I could continue nursing when I got out. I was worried about Josh having to take care of this week old baby. I was worried about myself and in a ton of pain. Oak could only come visit for short periods of time because we didn't want her to get sick from all the germs that were in the hospital and I had a hard time holding her because of all of my IV's and the pain in my stomach.

After a week I came home but was on strict bedrest so Josh was still in charge of Oakland. A week later I made Josh take me back to the ER because the pain was getting worse and I felt like there was something wrong...sure enough the blood clot was not breaking up and had now extended from my abdomen to just above my knee, to my abdomen all the way down to my ankle. Our only option was to be admitted to the hospital again with no idea of how long I would be there this time.

I was having a really hard time staying positive and know a portion of that was being cooped up in a hospital and bed for the last couple of weeks. The only thing that kept me going was knowing how lucky I was to have a healthy baby girl waiting at home for me....

So after being in the hospital twice and on bed rest until about 4 days ago, I am finally starting to walk around!! I still have a hard time staying up for long periods of time and have to elevate my leg as much as possible after being up and moving but I am finally starting to be able to take care of myself and Oakland.

I always knew that I had a good man after Mac passed away and after all the help he gave me emotionally for that, but Josh just gets better and better every day. He took 100% care of Oakland for 4 solid weeks and put up with me bossing him around since I couldn't do anything for myself. He cleaned the house and kept up on the laundry and did his finals for school! I will never understand how I got so lucky to have him as a husband.

I also have to publicly thank my family and friends. From visiting me in the hospital and at home in order to keep my spirits up to helping take care of Oakland. From feeding Josh and I dinner to letting me invade their living room so that I could sleep comfortably and get some sunshine. For checking up on me and letting Josh hang out with them to get away from us nagging girls. :)

Life sure does throw a lot of curve balls at you and I haven't been ready for any of them!! I can tell you this though...I have learned something very valuable from every single hard situation that has come up but am ready to have a break for at least a little while and just hang out with my little 6 week old baby girl who is not so little anymore!!!

Now that I am back on track with life I will post some pictures of Oakland soon and updates on what her and Josh have been up to the last little while. :)