Update? - after 2 years it may be called something else?

Well it has been almost 2 whole years that I have posted anything! Why? Because life is crazy, I have a two year old, work full time and honestly almost always just sit here and cry when I start to blog. I don't really know why? It reminds me a lot of Mac is the only conclusion I can think of. I am blogging today because... I need to. I haven't written in a journal and this is the easiest way for me to document all that is going on. And this week a lot is going on.

I am pregnant! 15 weeks and 1 day to be exact. With Oakland and this pregnancy it always started out with fear. I get anxious, I'm nervous, and my portable heart beat monitor is my best friend. I know it's not likely that something similar to my experience with Mac will happen but I still have so many feelings that re-surface or magnify when I'm pregnant.

With this pregnancy, I've had to add on the concern of getting a blood clot. Josh and I had to plan this pregnancy because that meant going off of my current blood thinner, coumadin. I've been taking a shot known as Lovenox since September in preparation to have a baby and in January, found out I was pregnant! My OB dr. is quite the amazing guy (to say the least). He got me in early, scheduled me to meet with a fetal maternal medicine doctor and they got me prepared on a perfect does of Lovenox to prevent clots but also to not cause damage to the baby.

Taking the shots twice daily has been hard for me. I'm terrified of needles, the thought of inflicting pain twice a day is just not something I love. I sometimes feel like it's taking over my life too, I am bound to taking this or something will go wrong. However, I have learned a lot from my OB and fetal medicine Dr. about why I clot, more tests they have run and I get lucky to have a few more ultra sounds to ensure everything is still cooking right so it's had it's benefits... in a weird way. :)

I've been terribly sick this pregnancy. Had two liquid IV's to hydrate me again, been on Zofran for the past 2 months and relied a lot on my two year old. Sad, but she's actually quite the helper and super understanding. Since my first appointment until now I have lost a total of 4 pounds, but the baby is growing good, so that's not an issue (and better than the weight I gained with Mac :) )

On Monday morning I woke up with some slight bleeding (sorry this may be rated PG-13). It was only in the morning so I thought I would monitor it to see if it continued througout the day and it didn't. I was able to find the babies heart beat so I assumed it was just one of those off times. Tuesday morning at 2:00 a.m. I woke up with a lot of blood and immediately called the Dr on call to see what I should do (go off lovenox- would that even help?!) He told me to call first thing in the morning and set up an ultrasound.

That morning felt like a million years. All Josh and I could do was look up details on miscarriage and what to expect. Oakland woke up about 3 and climbed in to bed with us and could not understand why we were awake (and offered us some comic relief with her early morning grouchy comments). She kept asking what was wrong, why I was crying, and why the lights were on cause it was making her not sleep. We finally turned the lights off and when we thought she was asleep Josh told me that he would take her downstairs to watch Mickey Mouse if something happened, and she replied, "Dad I don't want to watch Mickey Mouse, I'm so tired, I just want to sleep". :) We all did, but I couldn't. So I laid there until 9:00 when the Dr. office opened.

We went in to meet with the Dr. (still was bleeding) and was actually scheduled to meet with another Dr. in the office because my regular Dr. was booked but he saw us and immediately told the nurse he would take us from here on out. We did an ultra sound and everything looked ok, baby's heart beat was strong, there wasn't any blood pooling... so he guessed it was just regular pregnancy bleeding but since I was on Lovenox it may seem stronger and last longer but to watch it and if it didn't slow down to come in on Thursday.

It didn't slow down... Wednesday I felt like it was the second day of my period. It was new fresh blood and lots of it. I continued to find the baby's heart beat throughout the day and at 4:30 my Dr. called me from his cell phone.

We decided it was time for another ultrasound and he scheduled me an appointment for 8:30 in the morning. I continued to bleed and check the heartbeat the rest of the night and this morning we went in again.

We did an ultra sound and this time were able to locate a pool of blood in the Uterus, just next to the water sac but not with the baby. That is definitely where the bleeding is coming from but still no sign of why I'm bleeding. The Dr. can see it's not coming from the baby but from me. It's still a concern though if the bleeding spreads or worsens. It was decided to take me off lovenox until the bleeding stops, in hopes that my blood will clot just enough to stop the bleeding and heal whatever the cause of the bleeding is from and risk the chance of a clot. I can't go on bedrest because I chance clotting now that I'm off blood thinner, so I'm on limited activity. Nothing strenuous activity, no lifting, no bumpy rides, or sitting in one place for a long time and lots of small calm walks to keep my blood a movin.

It's a waiting game. Right now there is over a 40% chance I will have a miscarriage, I'm still bleeding, I'm trying to not dwell on the worst but have to prepare myself for it. I want to hope for the best but am terrified to get my hopes up. I've re-lived my experience with Mac at least 1 million times. I'm trying so hard to not let Oakland see my emotions because she's having a hard time understanding it all. She tells everyone that I was very scared and am kind of sad. She asks me all the time if I'm ok, if I'm happy, if I'm healthy... this morning she told me she wants to hold the baby really bad. Me too Oak, let's pray for that 60%...