Thursday, October 11, 2012

Banner vs. the HULK

Sometimes I can't write. The emotions I feel are too strong to share and I'm pretty sure I've shed more tears in the past 5 years than I have in all my life. Today is one of the "dates" I'll remember for the rest of my life. I would have been induced two weeks early with Quincy. Today. I told myself I wouldn't think about it and it wouldn't hurt but it does. My heart hurts... This month will be hard, Quincy's due date, pregnancy and infant loss awareness month, General Conference. That's when I'm glad for my 'seen and unsean rescuers'. Family, friends, acquantinces, books, talks, all of it has a huge impact on my life right now.

I consider myself the Hulk. (Yes, I will quote him later and yes, Oakland is in love with him). In the Avengers Banner talks about how he has control over his anger, his... transformation? Anyways, later on he says, "That's my secret Captain... I'm always angry". On days like this I feel my secret to not bawl my eyes out every second of the day is just that... I'm always on the verge of tears, I'm always sad. I've learned to contain it, hide it, but it's normally always there weighing on my mind. Right after Dr. Banner says that, he transforms into the hulk- it's a super awesome part! Well, you just watch out because on my "days" I can transform from Dr. Banner to the "crying, sobbing, hysterical Hulk" within a matter of seconds. So how do I make myself feel better?

With this sweet thang!

I've been trying to keep myself busy this month so here are some fun things we have done... 7 peaks! 
Yes, he was stuck.

Baseball games.

Bird show at Tracy Aviary

Camping (see the deer in the background!)


Kissin, I mean 'holding hands cousins'.

Best Moab jeeping trip ever! 

Hiking (Oakland took this picture! Good huh?)

Hanging at Daddy's work! 

Liberty Park date

Lunch with my siblings

Hanging out with Nieces.

Lovin this gal!


Girls date

Exactly four months ago, we weren't sure I was going to make it. Like literally my family was praying I would make it through another day, another surgery. I can't imagine the feelings they went through, especially my immediate family. Their courage, strength, love, and prayers help me through these hard days. I was hanging on by a thread and last weekend, I rock climbed.

Marjorie Pay Hinckley said, "Everything you are learning now is preparing you for something else". I keep this quote on a journal that I carry everywhere with me. I know it to be true. I think the Lord has put different trials in my life to help me with those that seem larger than I can handle. I hope to be able to look forward with hope, rather than look backward with despair as Elder Bowen reminded me in Conference.

“The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again.” -Joseph Smith


Rachel said...

Big Hugs Cali and Josh xoxoxoxoxo. I can't even imagine what you are truly going through. I know you are in pain and heartache. I KNOW it will get better. I can't tell you when, but I know this to be true. Hang in there. Stay focused on why we are here. You can do this. I wish I could take some of your pain and heartache away. I do know that Mac and Quince are proud of you, and that day will be a joyous one when you get to see your babes again. Love you 3 so much. Moab Rocks!

Michelle Hinckley said...

Oh Cali, you've had more than your fair share of trials. And as result you've emerged as a physical and spirit giant. Your courage and grace are nothing short of inspiring. Love you!

Josh and Cali said...

I love you Louie!!!! But please don't turn into a muscular green Hulk tonight...You are the best wife ever!!!

Karissa said...

My heart goes out to you today. I can't even imagine what you are going through right now. That quote by Joseph Smith is beautiful though, and it's true. Even though life seems really like it's a tiny piece of Eternity, so in the eternal perspective you're not without your little ones for too long.
I'll be keeping you in my prayers this month! I am truly so sorry for what you've had to go through. You're one amazing woman!

Stacie said...

LOVE these pictures! And that one Oakland took of you two is seriously amazing! So glad you are here. So excited for the reunion you will someday have with your sweet babes.

Stephanie said...

You are so Amazing to me.

Anonymous said...

You are such a strong woman, Cali! I look up to you in so many ways. You have the cutest eternal family anyone could ask for!

AnneMarie said...

Cali, I think about you so often. I am amazed at how you move forward and keep an eternal perspective. I cannot tell you how glad I am that you are here. You are strong. You are a wonderful person and I am glad to be your friend.

The Maughans said...

That's my girl!

Pipsylou said...

Rock on, girl!

I have had some major breakthroughs in my own loss/hysterectomy journey and I wanted you to know you are not alone.

I love your attitude!!!!

Thank you for inspiring me. ;)