Love...True Love

My little boy has changed my life in a way that I never knew was possible. I love him more than I ever knew you could love someone. And I miss him more than feelings or words can express. Now that I have Oakland in my life, I realize how much I actually did miss with him and it makes me cherish every last second with her. From changing poopy diapers, to feeding her, to watching her smile that crooked smile of hers, cuddling with Dad, and snuggling with me- I LOVE it all! During the entire hospital stay there were things that kept sticking out to me that were so different from the two deliveries. Here are just a few that were big deals to me...

1. Mac- just a "contraction" tracker was hooked up to me, Oakland- I got to listen to her heartbeat the entire time!

2. Mac- I had a hospital band. Oakland- I had a band indicating that I could take a baby girl to and from the nursery and Josh and her had matching ones.

3. Mac- they woke me up every 2 hours to check blood and blood pressure status. Oakland- they woke me up every two hours to a screaming little girl that wanted her Mom.

4. Mac- people came to the hospital to visit Josh and I and a little boy that would never grow up on this earth. Oakland- people came to the hospital to visit my sweet little girl that would be here forever!

5. Mac- I got to dress him once at a cemetary. Oakland- I got to dress her up in warm clothes to take her home

6. Mac- I was heartbroken. Oakland- I was extatic!

Josh and I decided that on the way home from the Hospital we needed to take Oakland to Mac's grave to say hello. We found the nicest little surprise announcing Mac being a big brother! It really struck Josh and I that Oakland would be the luckiest girl to grow up with a big brother that would always be looking out for her. We sat in the car and just cried. Tears of pure joy that we had one too perfect little boy and a perfect little girl. I always wondered if I could love her as much as I love Mac, and that day I got my answer...I love both of my kids SO insanely much and feel lucky to be their Mom.

Here are just some stinking cute pictures of Oak...

Most of my wonderful cousins! (I don't have any with Brock or our Arizona cousins but will soon!)

I LOVE MY DAD!!!

Introducing Oakland...

I am the luckiest girl alive right now! I'm sitting here blogging while my Husband and new baby girl are cuddled up on the bed watching a movie. Not at a funeral. Not crying tears of pain and hurt. This time, I got to bring a healthy little baby girl right in to my home. I have never been happier in my entire life!! Here are a couple of pictures but there are so much more that I wasn't sure how long it would take me and I wanted to make sure I got some posted soon!

These are the first pictures of Josh and I with Oakland (story and feelings to come in a later post but you can probably get close to them with these pictures.)

And here are some close ups of Oakland! I must say that I am a little fond of her. :)

I had to add this picture because of the meaning it has for Josh and I. When I delivered Mac, this was something I would never have with him...him hold my finger and open his eyes at me. That was one of the first things Oakland did for me. She opened her eyes and looked right in to mine and then reached up and took hold of my finger like a reassurance that she wasn't going anywhere. This picture is when Josh took her to get bathed and I adore it!

Stayed tuned...

A few more days!

Alright, we are down to a couple more days before they induce me and we finally get to meet this little baby girl! I haven't updated the blog because I've been so busy doing all of the last minute tasks, Holiday's, getting ready to not work for 6 weeks, and Josh is trying to cram all of his school work in so that he can take a while off to be with Oakland and I so the computer has been occupied. And even after all of that, I still don't feel ready!

These past couple of days have been really emotional for me. All of the feelings that I thought I felt strongly still, are hitting me really hard. I cry- a lot. I miss Mac. The strongest feeling that I have is the feeling I had the day we were sent home from the hospital. The last day I was in the Hospital was without Mac. The nurses had come and taken his little body away and then it was just a matter of time before they sent us home. I remember Josh going down and getting the car, my Mom, Tyler, and Laura walking down with me and all of the beautiful flowers we had gotten...and my hands empty.

I will never forget the feelings I had when Josh and I walked up the 3 flights of stairs to our apartment. It's all a blur- except the very emotional feelings that I don't think I will ever get out of my head and my heart. I remember stopping at the top of the stairs, dreading to go in the house because that would make it real. I was home, without my baby that I had waited for so long to bring with me. I didn't want to walk past the nursery because that would mean looking inside to see all of Mac's unused baby items. Josh turned back to me, grabbed my hand and told me it would all be alright- he was there for me. On our door was a sign from his family welcoming us home and when we opened the door both of our parents were there.

I don't think I ever thanked any of our family for that day- I do remember every little detail but at that moment didn't think to thank them for all they had done. They had cleaned our house- and I mean deep cleaned. They had stocked our fridge, freezer and cupboards with food and snacks. And in the mean time, still been taking care of Josh and I at the hospital. They were exactly what I needed when I was missing Mac so much.

All I know is that the experience I had with Mac will be so different than this experience I will have with Oakland. Both of them are going to be life changing events for me... feelings, moments, memories that I will never forget and will cherish forever! But. I will sure be glad to bring a baby home from the Hospital with me this time!!

Hello Contractions?

So just a little over a week ago I started having contractions! Not bad ones- just annoying ones. I never had any contractions with Mac until they actually had me all hooked up in the hospital and on pitocin so this whole pre-birth contraction thing is a new one for me... A couple of things I realized.

1. Do contractions feel different with every pregnancy? Because these feel different than with Mac- and not different from, uncomfortable contractions to labor contractions but different because Oakland is alive. This is weird and kind of hard to explain but let me try. First of all emotionally- when I was having contractions with Mac, I didn't have to worry about him at all because he had already passed. With her, I am worried- I feel bad every time I have one, knowing it has to be uncomfortable for her but also just worried about her heart rate and if she's stressed or ok when I have them, etc.

Second though, physically- when I had contractions with Mac it was just my body tensing up and having them. With her though I feel her react to the contractions which makes them feel different to me. Even if she is asleep when I have them, I think her body naturally tenses a little. I don't know- maybe they will feel the same when they are labor contractions because they'll be so much stronger and I won't feel her as much? Guess we'll see!!!

And last... contractions make you exhausted by the end of the day! Even these little annoying ones. (yawn) I'm already ready for bed. :)

Four new posts...

Sorry- I posted four posts tonight! That's a little overwhelming but had to be done...

I did want to shoot out an update on the baby girl. First, I don't think I mentioned that we had decided to name her Oakland. You may have seen it here and there but I didn't come right out and say it. There is no specific meaning or reason behind it- we saw it on the Okland construction sign and it just stuck. For some reason it fits her...

We are starting the Non-Stress-Tests (NST) twice a week now with a Dr. appointment once a week so we are keeping busy watching her. Today was the first NST and it went very well. I said this to my dad, but she wasn't really cooperative. His response back, "I could care less if she wants to cooperate, as long as she is alive". Good point dad. :) I hadn't eaten since about 11 and the NST was scheduled for 4, so she was sound asleep during most of it. The nurse had to bring in some juice and ice chips to see if they could get some good movements. They ended up getting what they needed and said that she is looking healthy and nothing is concerning.

During the NST I could not take my eyes off of the screen. Every time she would move away from the monitor and the reading would disappear my heart would start moving a million miles a minute! I learned that Mac had passed away during a NST so it being a similar situation was really intense for me. I'm glad that Josh was there though and the nurse was really nice! I think it will be easier to go in again now since I have been once before and know that it's ok. We'll go back in on Friday and then meet with my Dr. Can you believe that it's only 4 to 6 (at the most) weeks away!!! AH.

Halloween

Halloween was a blast this year! Alex, my Mom and I went pumpkin hunting and Alex found the perfect pumpkin and was so happy that he picked it out all himself.

Then, of course we had to compare who was bigger. I think we were pretty close... :)

We carved pumpkins at my parents house a couple of days before Halloween.

Holiday's seem to be a little hard- I'm sure it's like that for anyone that has lost a loved one. For me it comes down to this being the first year that Mac would probably enjoy dressing up, or hate touching the pumpkin seeds. I always wonder what costume I would have picked out for him and who would take him trick or treating. Would he hate being dragged around in the cold or would he enjoy himself? My Mom helped me out this year and bought me a shirt that fit just right and allowed me to dress up one of my kids. :) She bought a matching outfit for Morgan so that her two Granddaughters could be the same.

My sister, Taylor, used her talents to help Josh and Alex out with their costumes... boys. :)

We actually got to hang out with Josh's family this year on Halloween- I loved it but didn't get any pictures!! Erin posted some on her blog so you will have to check it out. We got to go trick or treating with the Nephews-huge thanks to our family for letting me walk around with your kids! It was hard for me to not have a kid to take around so it meant the world to me that you would let me trek around with you. We had a blast with everyone!

Mac's new cousin

My Older Brother and his wife had a baby girl about 2 months ago and I haven't blogged about it yet!! I don't know if I have told them this yet but when I first found out that my sister in law was in labor- I broke out in tears. I was so happy for them but I was completely... jealous, I don't know another word for it. I called Josh and tried to explain to him how happy I was but how much it made me miss Mac and how it made me really jealous that she was having a baby that would actually be here on this earth with them. I then called my Dad and he helped me to realize that Josh and I were lucky to have gone through that experience and that we learned a life lesson that not only brought us closer to each other but also to our Heavenly Father and to the gospel. It was such a good lesson for me to have to move past the jealousy and now I am so glad she is in our family and she makes me smile every single time I see her!



A couple of weeks ago my brother called me up and asked if Josh and I would like to come with them to visit Mac for her first time. She slept the whole car ride up but as soon as we got there she opened up her eyes and sat wide eyed until we left. It really meant a lot to me that they would think of taking her up there to see her cousin...It's kind of funny how the small things seem to effect me the most lately. I'm glad that Mac has such a great little cousin!

Mac's walk

October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month and some time during the month the Share organization holds a "walk of rememberance and hope". We went last year for the first year and really enjoyed it so went again this year. They normally hold a little ceremony to start it off and had someone sing a song that I don't know the title or most of the lyrics but I wrote down a few that really hit me. "Heaven is your home and it's all you'll ever know." "You'll kiss our tears away when we come home to stay." "You'll just have Heaven before we do".

Then a lady got up and gave a little talk- she had lost one of her twin daughters and then years later a son during her pregnancy with them. She said that the thing that stuck to her the most is how your world seems to stand still but everyone around you keeps moving. Josh brought this up to me again today and said that he has been thinking a lot about that because you really do feel that way. You can't think or focus on anything else except for that even though people are still going to work and school and living their every day lives.

I don't know if you can see this first picture but they make shirts and will put your babies names on it. Mac's is the last name on the first row and then the second picture is Josh and I walking around the cemetary with everyone else that came to the share walk.




Thank you for everyone that came! We really appreciated your love and support and for taking time on your Saturday to be there with us. I think through all of what we have been through I have relied on my family and friends- not only for moments of support like this but even simply letting me talk about Mac or counting him as a nephew or thinking about him during the day.

I don't really know how to explain it but when people are so willing to come be with us during something that may seem small to them, it changes my life. Mac passing away made my life go in a completely different direction than what I had EVER planned and the support of others makes me realize that direction isn't bad, just different.

The last part of the walk is that everyone gets a balloon to write a message for their baby and then they read the names of your child off and you release their balloon. I wish you could see the last picture better- it's such a humbling sight to watch all of the hundreds of balloons float away. We did a balloon release at Mac's funeral, so that always reminds me of him and has a special place in my heart.

Major Update!

Wow. I don't even know where to start. Let me just apologize first for all of you that still check my blog- I am so sorry that I haven't updated for almost 2 months! Let me start with what is new and we'll just go from there...

First of all- I had to kidnap this computer from Josh in order to even attempt to update my blog and that was after my Sister-in-law, Erin, mentioned that it had been a little too long...so Thank you Erin! The reason being is that Josh is currently in his second to last semester of school! Yay!! He is always busy trying to stay caught up on all of his classes in between his main project- Math homework. So after both of us are home for the day, Josh gets priority on the computer. Understandable, I guess. :)

I am working full time still and have had a really crazy schedule. I got a new manager, the supervisor over the call center is only working part time now (which is really hard for me because she is one of my best friends and keeps me sane at work.) so I have been taking on a lot of her tasks as well, we just hired a new supervisor to cover her position so we've been working hard training him, and the others are in school so I have been trying to work the hours needed to fill in the gaps.

Now on to the good stuff...How am I doing emotionally and pregnant wise?

I am 30 weeks and 5 days pregnant... and loving every minute of it. I haven't retained water like I did last time, I don't sleep at all but am managing still, haven't had any contractions or suspicious activity and my precious baby girl moves on a consistent schedule- probably to keep me from going crazy.

Emotionally... I would say that I am doing well. I doubted how easy/hard it would be. I have some really good days where I don't have a single worry in the world, but I have my other days where I am terrified the same thing will happen again and am up all night crying. I knew that the further I got along in the pregnancy the harder it would be and I do have some honestly hard days where I just want the Dr. to start me right now since I know she is alive and well. However, during those hard times I still am rational enough to know that I want her to grow and develop as much as she can so that she is healthy.

I still miss Mac. A LOT. My thoughts used to be- "How big would he be", "What would he look like", "What would we be doing tonight", etc. Now those thoughts have turned in to "Would he understand the idea of me having another baby?", "what would he think of all this new pink stuff", "Would he be nice to her when she was born or be jealous". It's kind of presented a new challenge that I have had to go through that I wasn't all that prepared for. He would be about 18 months when she is born and every day I just have to remind myself that he IS a good big brother, probably the best you could ask for. He is probably excited for us to have another baby- maybe a little jealous too that she gets to hang out down here with us for a little while. :)

For me though, they are two separate kids. She is not taking his place at all- not even in the slightest way. He will always be my first little baby that changed my life in a way that none of my other children can. But she will be the baby that I get to raise and be with my whole life. I can tell you though- I do have a hard time not comparing how different I have looked with each of them! Josh many times tells me how much cuter I am with her than I was with Mac because I retained so much water that I just kind of looked large, rather than pregnant. On the other hand- I am a LOT bigger in the stomach than I was with him. Check out these pictures....

The first one is really blurry- sorry. I thought it could show how big I was at least. All of these pictures are of my pregnancy with Mac. So the first one was taken on 4/6 the second on 5/4 (I'll let you do the math since he was born on June 27) and the last one is about 10 days before I had Mac.

Now here is a picture of me taken today... It resembles the 10 days before my due date more than the other two!!

Baby girl stuff!

I am going crazy over pink, dresses, flowers, bows... and the best part if that Josh is a shopper, so he doesn't really stop me.

What are big brothers for? Hand-me-downs.

I saved all of Mac's stuff- I just couldn't let anything go, even down to the diapers and wipes. They sure have come in handy now! Josh and I went through all of the boxes together and sorted out what we could and couldn't use. I actually LOVED seeing everything again. I thought it would be hard but I went in to it thinking, "what can Mac share with his little sister".

Sneak Peak at her bedroom... Yes it's the corner. Ha. More pictures will come when we are completely finished. I am still working on the blinds and bedding.

Cravings!

These are some cravings I have had throughout my pregnancy. The two ongoing are pumpkin pie (good thing it's in season...or bad because it's not the healthiest choice) and Ice- whether it be crushed or cubed, I love it!

Ok well I am making a promise now that I will update my blog at least weekly now. Josh and I are going to work out a schedule so that I get some computer time. Maybe he can watch ESPN while I blog. :) But unfortunately he does need the computer now- Math assignment due at midnight and it's 10:30 but I have more to post so it will have to wait until tomorrow....